Money: Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some... - FML

By Can2 - 08/01/2014 19:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 446

You deserved it 14 302

Empathy lives

Right under your nose

Not the sharpest tool

By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 696

You deserved it 3 094

By fckdorms - 09/05/2016 14:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 255

You deserved it 1 074

What the hell did you do?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 07:01 - United States - Steele

Today, while at a family reunion, my parents kept bringing up horrible things I did when I was about 4-6 years-old that I've been trying to forget for decades. After a while, I just stormed out. When I came back in the room, my dad had the nerve to ask me why I left and why I wasn't talking to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 123

Fire!

By Mel Cluze - 22/10/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were spending the night at a hotel. We were awoken at 3 a.m. by the fire alarm. We quickly got dressed, went down the stairs to the reception area… and were told that it was a false alarm. All because some jerk lit a cigarette in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 125

By holycommander - 26/03/2013 20:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 472

You deserved it 5 113

Alexa, play Men's Needs by The Cribs

By Anonymous - 11/05/2021 06:01

Spicy

Today, I caught my husband setting up an affair with my old school-friend. I have chronic pain, a hormone imbalance and some other issues that means I'm losing interest in being intimate at all. It hurts. I don't enjoy this either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 170

By hairplease - 27/02/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, I brought my best friend to my uncle's birthday party. We were having a great time until my grandmother walked up to us and said to me, "You sure have a nice looking boyfriend." My friend is a girl. She has cancer and lost all of her hair due to chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 705

You deserved it 2 383

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

By Emily - 17/09/2019 08:00

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 272

You deserved it 203

By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 564

You deserved it 157

Where am I?

By sam - 15/05/2021 00:01

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 279

By Insensitive - 14/11/2009 22:26 - Australia

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 067

You deserved it 12 252

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 3 958

Not interested

By Wrenda Witt - 15/06/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 269

Don't flush them

By failallday - 07/08/2014 09:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Spicy

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 098

You deserved it 4 739

By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 503

You deserved it 4 369

I am sexy

By Anonymous - 19/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 369

You deserved it 465

By fuckit - 23/07/2016 06:52 - United States - American Fork

Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went over and helped her up. Instead of thanking me, she called me a pervert and slapped me around with her cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 085

You deserved it 1 184

By Renna303 - 18/09/2017 20:00

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 732

You deserved it 526

By Wellthissucks - 06/11/2017 15:26

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 116

You deserved it 446

By Anonymous - 19/06/2017 02:00

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 485

You deserved it 378

By HereForJAMMF - 09/11/2016 17:50

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 336

You deserved it 6 192

By Anonymous - 22/04/2015 14:14 - United States - Athens

Spicy

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 837

You deserved it 3 648

By Gaz47 - 27/07/2018 19:00

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 225

You deserved it 312

By Ryan - 28/08/2011 20:10 - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 146

You deserved it 8 152

By audied - 04/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 182

You deserved it 4 572

Go mom!

By disgusted - 04/10/2012 23:24 - United States - Clarksville

Spicy

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said, "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 615

You deserved it 3 258

By jennybrev - 13/07/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 634

You deserved it 2 844

By acnebutt - 27/08/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 5 400

By just outdone - 31/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 658

You deserved it 1 371

Don't look back

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 16/07/2021 20:01

Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He's in jail now. What was I thinking? FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 633

Help!

By Agonised - 29/05/2021 00:01

Today, I went to the hospital for crippling back pain that made it impossible to walk. The doctor was more interested in telling me off for not taking a pill that he admitted doesn't help acute pain. He then gave me an injection that wore off in an hour, and sent me home, telling me to take over the counter meds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 64

Shush

By Bride - 25/02/2021 23:00 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to pick my wedding dress. My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was my consultant. She basically hinted that I looked fat in every dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 26/07/2014 15:35 - United States - Pittsfield

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 262

You deserved it 4 737

By anonymous - 03/08/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 411

You deserved it 5 025

By Anonymous - 11/04/2012 21:41 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 530

You deserved it 2 279

By perfecttiming - 06/05/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 571

You deserved it 4 647

By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, in an attempt to impress a girl I like, I tried to crush a soda can by hitting it with my forehead. Not only did I fail, I knocked myself out in the process. When I regained consciousness, the girl was gone and someone had taken the liberty of drawing a penis on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 735

You deserved it 73 777

By rawr101 - 02/10/2010 06:25 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I got a text from my ex: "I miss you." I was happy to hear this, so I replied "Really?" I got in return "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 838

You deserved it 5 774

By Username - 25/01/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 144

You deserved it 34 936

Priorities

By Brodam - 17/09/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 168

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:01

Should've switched to geico and saved 15%

XCrazyMofo2010X 17

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:02

Those bastards know how to con people. Be more careful next time

Comments

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:01

Should've switched to geico and saved 15%

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:03

Plot twist. His insurance company is Geico!

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:17

Plot twist: stop with the plot twists!

MrSassypants 32

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:19

#17, if you want to stop plot twists joke, you shouldn't make them. That's like replying to "that's a shitty situation" with "that's a shitty joke."

JosephMoore77 8

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:21

#21, He wasnt making the joke, he was mocking him

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:42

That sure did twist the plot pretty darn well.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 0:33

Mr sassy pants I was mocking the plot twist that has become increasingly popular on this site. People try way too hard with them now. It's on every FML I read.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 0:35

Plot twist: these jokes are overrated and shit, stop.

euphoricness 28

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Thursday 9 January 2014 1:20

Plot twist: I have to poop

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Thursday 9 January 2014 1:48

Wouldn't that be a plop twist? I know, I know. couldn't help it.

\ 28

Thursday 9 January 2014 3:50

You just never know when jokes go out of style in the FML world. FML is an enigma.

LinkandSaria 10

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Thursday 9 January 2014 5:50

Plot twist: My phone is at half battery.

TheWildRover1 12

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Friday 10 January 2014 5:43

Plot twist: Shut the f*** up and don't try so hard to be funny!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 11 January 2014 9:20

Plot twist: His insurance is State Farm and Jake persuaded him at 3am...

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:02

How did you Manage to do that?

StompinOnCrayons 15

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:26

Getting coerced into purchasing branded t-shirts, keyrings, mousemats and the deed to someone's soul..

tomwantssnow 14

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:54

Insurance agents are sneaky bastards

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Thursday 9 January 2014 0:01

jokes on you 26- the deed to one unlucky soul was automatically included in my car insurance premium. free of charge!

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Thursday 9 January 2014 1:47

Probably added on some "much needed" benefits. Insurance companies can be tricky like that. OP next time, don't be afraid to say no and hang up.

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:02

I think you did it wrong...

XCrazyMofo2010X 17

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:02

Those bastards know how to con people. Be more careful next time

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Thursday 9 January 2014 1:47

I'm very curious to what OP said to even get in that predicament.

kimblie 15

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:03

pure skill right there..

Greenteamextreme 16

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:05

Damn sales men!

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:06

Save money by spending more! Insurance logic.

AwkwardHaole808 16

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:06

"If you act now we can give you some more great coverage for the low price of $30.00 more a month!"

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:06

Why was the car embarrassed? Because it had gas!

JD1147 27

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Thursday 9 January 2014 0:09

Ahh lame jokes... I always liked "Ask me if I'm an orange." "Are you an orange?" "No." Bahahaha... What a pisser

LinkandSaria 10

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Thursday 9 January 2014 5:51

You two are the reason I like this site...

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:07

They tricked you! Next time get out a calculator and pretend to calculate everything they offer you. It'll freak them out and show them you won't be fooled again!

JosephMoore77 8

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:22

Yes because they can see the calculator over the phone

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Thursday 9 January 2014 3:35

That's why you say "hold on a sec I gotta punch this into my calculator" problem solved

Edumcg 24

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Thursday 9 January 2014 6:50

I bet that pretending part will end up with OP writing "boobs" on his calculator.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 256

You deserved it 66

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 214