Miscellaneous: Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made...

By Allen - United States

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

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Miscellaneous

Delayed proposal

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

No Gods, No Masters

By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By Rawf - United States

Today, at work, a customer called in and asked me to read off every item on our menu, along with their ingredients. I work at Jamba Juice so that's a lot of reading. After about 10 minutes of this, I found out it was actually my stupid co-worker calling from the back phone. FML

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By furious at five in the morning - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

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By Kelly - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

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By Dani - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

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By sacrophage - Canada

Today, I discovered that my abusive, obsessive, psychotic ex-boyfriend from over two years ago still has a thing for me. How did I find out? Although I've ignored him walking unnecessarily past my house for the past two months, it was hard to ignore when he fell from a tree outside my window. FML

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By imy - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By helpless_soul - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 19:57

It is what it is

Today, I drunkenly admitted to a friend of five years that I've "liked" her for a long time now. She's been in a relationship with some douche for a year and a half at this point. She started crying, and when she finally stopped said, "I can forget this ever happened." FML

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By hakuna_matata - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

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By her mom raised her - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Ripollet

Absolute beginners

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

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By can’t buy her love - 22/3/2021 18:01 - United States

Menace II Society

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

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By imatool - United States

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 23:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out my sister-in-law cheated on her husband. I also found out my uncle cheated on my aunt with my sister-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, after holing myself up in my room for the day, I eventually turned my phone back on and told my girlfriend that my grandma passed away today. She replied, "Ask me if I fucking care," then accused me of not caring about our relationship because I went offline all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By Reena - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By oh my soul

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

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By EggHead - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Affection breakdown

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

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By man-period? - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

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By didn't notice for 2 years - United States - Goodyear

Today, my sister told me that the only reason I like one guy is because he looks exactly like the guy that dumped me. I showed her two pictures to argue against it, and ended up proving her right. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By HauntLife

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By Iknowhowtoraisethem - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I covered a 10-hour shift for a sick coworker. Glad to earn some extra money for the holidays, I went to clock out. I hadn't even clocked in when I first got there at 7 am. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Can they do that?

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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Top comments

By AK | 2

#233155 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 17:15

I relate to this one. I decorated a pot in grade 5 for Mother's Day. After the flowers in it died, my mother threw the whole thing out.

By lich_fml | 0

#232997 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:09

I have a feeling she probably wasn't serious, right?

if she was, FYL.

COMMENTS

By randomdude1234 | 0

#232990 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:07

First

By lich_fml | 0

#232997 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:09

I have a feeling she probably wasn't serious, right?

if she was, FYL.

By randomdude1234 | 0

#232999 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:09

Dude that sucks. Give it to someone who will appreciate it! Or keep it yourself!

capgray | 0

#966636 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:27

today. my daughter brought home the shittiest peice of art ive ever seen. FML

kittykat1501 | 31

#6310358 - Thursday 4 June 2015 14:08

What the freak?!?! Heartless person!

By addidas0_o | 0

#233002 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:10

ouch FYL

By bitterpill1 | 0

#233007 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#233009 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:13

Ouchhhh

By mandymuggle | 0

#233010 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:14

Wow. Your mom is really rude. You shouldn't have made something nice for her.

By rukusrazor | 0

#233042 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:28

Hey, times are tough.

By IreadFMLnaked | 0

#233077 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 16:40

Did she even know it was a gift for her?

By QiScorpion | 0

#233143 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 17:07

Tell her off for being rude, and keep it on prominent display in your room so that every time she comes in she's reminded of her rudeness :)

But well done for making a vase - it's more than i could ever do!