Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He... - FML

By Screwed - 22/4/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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Family values

Don't give up

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

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By kiddo - 28/1/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, on my 18th birthday, my mom told me the man I thought was my father for 18 years was actually not my father, and my real father was in prison for murder. FML

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By BCBUDDY - 7/5/2011 15:29 - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 7/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By Oops - 11/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while celebrating my birthday, my friends hired a few escorts to make the party more interesting. This was a really bad way to learn that my sister is a prostitute. FML

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By dramaqueen15 - 16/10/2015 02:38

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

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By Geese Ahoy - 14/11/2016 17:00 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By thickly - 19/9/2016 17:31 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2019 00:03

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By katier8295 - 27/10/2012 12:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

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By BakedBat - 21/2/2014 04:10 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By cait - 26/8/2019 15:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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By Co-B - 3/9/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 11:16 - Canada

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him but I hear him in the walls. FML

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By - 29/1/2019 16:00

Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

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By Jazzyfayyye - 29/5/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

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By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By mammamia - 27/4/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Bitten

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

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By Grossed Out - 13/3/2010 10:35 - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that even if you have to go really bad, never burst into a bathroom stall assuming that it's vacant because you don't see any legs underneath. There might be a child in there, who will scream, and whose mother will burst in and start screaming at you for being a "pedo." FML

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By Jeri - 12/2/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By Allergic to Assholes - 30/1/2016 09:33 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By madgf - 30/1/2010 20:55 - France

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Sir Anon - 29/2/2016 20:18 - United States - Champlin

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 03:00

She missed everything

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 20:44 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

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By Monkey253100 - 3/6/2012 14:47 - France

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By SenescentSouthernBoy - 17/8/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - 19/6/2013 16:18 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By rokkstarrrVRV - 28/12/2013 08:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

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By Pantsontheground - 9/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

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By SMV - 11/11/2008 06:53 - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By LoveGlove - 21/6/2014 21:42 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

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Top comments

By ffpoisongirl | 0

#133998 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:15

Come on honey, never insult a guy about his downstairs mixup. He'll lash out. No offense, but YDI.

By Rakayum | 0

#134002 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

thats what you get for being a ho

COMMENTS

By LuckyCharms_fml | 0

#133991 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:14

He was just pissed off his junk was malfunctioning

Reply

truelyawesome | 0

#972959 - Friday 2 April 2010 7:48

here's the way you fix that: don't be a whore

By ffpoisongirl | 0

#133998 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:15

Come on honey, never insult a guy about his downstairs mixup. He'll lash out. No offense, but YDI.

By kellster | 2

#134000 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:15

Wow...

First, YDI for meeting people at the bar and bringing them home. Second, FYL indeed for meeting a loser who doesn't know much he can drink before his weenie stops working. And FYL for getting insulted over something which you have no control over. He didn't have to drink that much; you probably couldn't help farting, though. You sound like a charming pair.

By Rakayum | 0

#134002 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

eternity4ever | 0

#392206 - Monday 13 July 2009 11:12

Wow... Your comment shows how classy you are... You will be a great husband one day...

Reply

Dwayzee | 2

#3733205 - Thursday 15 December 2011 6:30

Yeah, a better husband than OP will make as a wife.

Reply

dorothy675 | 15

#6458938 - Wednesday 11 November 2015 18:01

So it's bad for girls to like sex..?

By fatality2009 | 0

#134007 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

OMG... Well you should larn to not piss off guys ;) SERIOUSLY

Reply

Nutz101 | 7

#5172699 - Thursday 22 November 2012 1:11

You should learn how to spell.

By asxp10 | 0

#134008 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

agree with #3 and 4, You're a ho for hooking up with drunk guys at the bad. YDI.

Reply

C4Z | 0

#2872099 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:00

bar* (:

Reply

cupcakechick | 17

#5488258 - Sunday 12 May 2013 3:11

bar*

By that_funny_girl | 0

#134015 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:18

I'm sorry but I agree with #4. YDI For hooking up with some drunk guy you don't know!

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#134024 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:19

lol, they were probably some bad ones, too, for a hungover guy to care enough to leave.

By Riceball_fml | 0

#134030 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:20

Hey, you've learned something new about yourself! :)

By swanlee | 0

#134033 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:20

Uh yeah that tends to happen to guys when there drunk, it's not like it was his fault, but good job being a bitch