Work: Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I...

By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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Work

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Too Much Information

By gingerwhinger - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By Alex - United States - Richardson

Today, I am home sick with a sinus infection. I had to break up a fight between my two dogs over who got to chew on my snotty tissue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

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By zzzgrady - United States

Damn

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

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By familyfued

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By BulldogHoops - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

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By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

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By heartbroken - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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By Amber C - United States

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By lk07

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

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By grossuncle - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By arghgffhdfg - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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By WTFFAIL - Canada - Montreal

Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML

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By GHTD - United Kingdom

Today, at work, whilst on hold to an important client, I said to my co-workers "F*cking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite". I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

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By HighasaCloud - United States - Elkhart

Shutdown

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

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By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

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By sorry - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By Something I said? - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By piliseep

Today, my cousin's three kittens peed all over every single pair of shoes under my desk, including some expensive heels. I spent two and a half hours cleaning all eighteen pairs. FML

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By fmlmylife - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

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By mattttbob - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By ash203 - United States

Not cool

Today, my friend and I got really drunk at the holiday staff party. When I went to work afterwards, everyone gave me the death stare. Apparently, I got so drunk that I flashed my boss's 13-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I thought I'd wear my snow boots so I wouldn't slip on the ice at work. I crashed my car because I can't feel the pedals with my boots on. FML

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By NaKreen - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By The fuck, junior? - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Anonymous

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By caiti - United States

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

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By maninpain - Kenya

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

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Top comments

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

COMMENTS

By Expertfail | 0

#641937 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

How was she planning on fixing it?

allmidnighteyes | 10

#641959 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:11

Probably by puking on it...

neonokku | 0

#642258 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:50

thats actually funny, hope it wasnt too expensive

wouldnt you have been freaking out though?

missmontreal97 | 4

#1222553 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 14:49

at least she cares

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590463 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:59

Who knows. At least she cares :)

By n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#641938 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

Did you buy it from Topshop? They have a lot of ugly dresses. ;p

Maxine17 | 8

#642036 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:47

Are you crazy?!

Topshop stuff is NICE

..apart from all the weird stuff they sell.

Are there topshops in America?
I vaguely remember hearing something about the sket that is Miley Cyrus going there.

Bright_Lights | 14

#642256 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:48

No way, Topman is the best. I love it!

By Visho_fml | 0

#641942 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

xP that sucked

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#641974 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Really? I thought puke suits were coming into fashion...

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

Hairpastafreckle | 0

#642283 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 2:17

Ahahahah...not funny.

that_band_nerd | 22

#5801740 - Sunday 22 December 2013 23:59

Shhh it's ok Perdix, the mean commenter got thumbed down.

By Bright_Lights | 14

#642016 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:38

YDI for buying a horrible dress.

By Incubuss | 0

#642059 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:07

Well obviously you have bad sense in clothes - take this as advice.

By Incubuss | 0

#642065 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:09

No way! I'd have understood if you'd have said Primark, it's like a haven for bad patterns and vomit-inducing colour co-ordinations.

That was in reply to someone up there ^ but the website is going dodgy again.

By sojo898 | 0

#642087 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:22

http://all-the-exgirlfriends.info/?uid=18732