Work: Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I...

By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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Work

Out of it

Spooky

Gas giant

By monogamyisalie - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By barface - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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By dedeanne08 - United States - Newark

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By thesparrow - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, the prizes were given to the employee of the month. They come in to surprise the winner and give prizes. They come over to my cubicle and cover me with silly string. Jokingly, I said: "Do you guys have the wrong cubicle? " They did. The guy in the next cubicle won. FML

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By Brendan - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

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By rugernut13 - United States

Today, I went out to start my car to go to work. When it wouldn't start, I popped the hood to see what was wrong. Some kind individual took advantage of the fact that my window doesn't roll up, and stole my battery. FML

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By ilovemom - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By Joey - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By Jbug - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

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By musicislife1337 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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By tammyg - United States

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By ravenskater

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

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By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By E

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By fatflabbyfail - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so single, I signed up for a free consultation on an LGBT arranged marriage site. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By Drewzter - United States

User manual

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

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By Mom - United States

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

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By dasbooot - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By Not A Pervert - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Rockaway Park

Wedding of the year

Today, I dreamed that I got so nervous during a toast at my friend's wedding that I pissed myself. To coax myself to wake up, I took off my dress, stripped down to my underwear, and pinched myself. I wasn't dreaming. FML

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By driving me crazy

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By markderanjer - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By roommateprobssss:( - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

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By BirthdayFail - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my birthday. Today is also the day my grandma died, six years ago. Since then, I get to sit through any sort of attempted celebration while my mom sobs and drinks herself into a stupor in the background. FML

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By Malakai

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

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Top comments

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

COMMENTS

By Expertfail | 0

#641937 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

How was she planning on fixing it?

allmidnighteyes | 10

#641959 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:11

Probably by puking on it...

neonokku | 0

#642258 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:50

thats actually funny, hope it wasnt too expensive

wouldnt you have been freaking out though?

missmontreal97 | 4

#1222553 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 14:49

at least she cares

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590463 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:59

Who knows. At least she cares :)

By n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#641938 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

Did you buy it from Topshop? They have a lot of ugly dresses. ;p

Maxine17 | 8

#642036 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:47

Are you crazy?!

Topshop stuff is NICE

..apart from all the weird stuff they sell.

Are there topshops in America?
I vaguely remember hearing something about the sket that is Miley Cyrus going there.

Bright_Lights | 14

#642256 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:48

No way, Topman is the best. I love it!

By Visho_fml | 0

#641942 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

xP that sucked

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#641974 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Really? I thought puke suits were coming into fashion...

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

Hairpastafreckle | 0

#642283 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 2:17

Ahahahah...not funny.

that_band_nerd | 22

#5801740 - Sunday 22 December 2013 23:59

Shhh it's ok Perdix, the mean commenter got thumbed down.

By Bright_Lights | 14

#642016 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:38

YDI for buying a horrible dress.

By Incubuss | 0

#642059 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:07

Well obviously you have bad sense in clothes - take this as advice.

By Incubuss | 0

#642065 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:09

No way! I'd have understood if you'd have said Primark, it's like a haven for bad patterns and vomit-inducing colour co-ordinations.

That was in reply to someone up there ^ but the website is going dodgy again.

By sojo898 | 0

#642087 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:22

http://all-the-exgirlfriends.info/?uid=18732