Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I...

By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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Work

Understandable

Yappy neighborhood

Child labor

By bloodless - 5/1/2016 05:17 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By Neutered - 27/11/2012 19:52 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2014 00:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

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By driving me crazy - 26/5/2017 16:00

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By sweatstreaks - 16/9/2011 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By jesus christ - 1/10/2011 02:55 - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

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By BrokeInLove - 30/6/2009 19:55 - France

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over 2 hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 11:37 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 00:46 - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 22:32 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

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By DesperateMother - 28/6/2016 10:12 - France - Wasselonne

Today, my 16-year-old daughter handed me the picture she wants TV reports to use if ever she happens to get kidnapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 08:55 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/4/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - 17/3/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By allyshah - 20/2/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were up late watching tv when an infomercial for "male enhancement" came on. I grabbed for my phone to make a call when my girlfriend said "O honey, dont buy that, it's okay that you're small." I was checking my voicemails. FML

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By a stupid jackass - 22/6/2012 01:28 - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

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By jend - 23/5/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By iloveZELOS - 5/7/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 19:16 - Sweden - Guayanilla

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 07:21 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By great - 20/7/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By FMLPLZ - 3/1/2014 02:52 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

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By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati. - 11/6/2017 22:00

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

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By HelloItsMee123 - 24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

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By xomelodygervais - 8/11/2013 14:00 - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

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By Sarah - 25/8/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By BrokeButSmart - 23/8/2012 05:24 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By raaquel - 25/1/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

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By Heather - 26/6/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

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By disappointed dad - 19/5/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend just told me the picture of "him as a baby" was really his son. FML

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Top comments

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

COMMENTS

By Expertfail | 0

#641937 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

How was she planning on fixing it?

allmidnighteyes | 10

#641959 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:11

Probably by puking on it...

neonokku | 0

#642258 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:50

thats actually funny, hope it wasnt too expensive

wouldnt you have been freaking out though?

missmontreal97 | 4

#1222553 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 14:49

at least she cares

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590463 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:59

Who knows. At least she cares :)

By n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#641938 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

Did you buy it from Topshop? They have a lot of ugly dresses. ;p

Maxine17 | 8

#642036 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:47

Are you crazy?!

Topshop stuff is NICE

..apart from all the weird stuff they sell.

Are there topshops in America?
I vaguely remember hearing something about the sket that is Miley Cyrus going there.

Bright_Lights | 14

#642256 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 1:48

No way, Topman is the best. I love it!

By Visho_fml | 0

#641942 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:08

xP that sucked

By starry_eyed | 0

#641973 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Wow...was it really that ugly? I've love to see a picture, because the dress in my head is absolutely disgusting.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#641974 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:16

Really? I thought puke suits were coming into fashion...

By perdix | 29

#641976 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:17

Was it RALPH Lauren?

Hairpastafreckle | 0

#642283 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 2:17

Ahahahah...not funny.

that_band_nerd | 22

#5801740 - Sunday 22 December 2013 23:59

Shhh it's ok Perdix, the mean commenter got thumbed down.

By Bright_Lights | 14

#642016 - Tuesday 27 October 2009 23:38

YDI for buying a horrible dress.

By Incubuss | 0

#642059 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:07

Well obviously you have bad sense in clothes - take this as advice.

By Incubuss | 0

#642065 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:09

No way! I'd have understood if you'd have said Primark, it's like a haven for bad patterns and vomit-inducing colour co-ordinations.

That was in reply to someone up there ^ but the website is going dodgy again.

By sojo898 | 0

#642087 - Wednesday 28 October 2009 0:22

http://all-the-exgirlfriends.info/?uid=18732