Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a...

By Anonymous - 3/9/2014 23:13 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

By Anonymous - 9/3/2011 01:15 - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML

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By Janet - 10/3/2009 13:02 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

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By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 18:11 - United States - Portland

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

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By broken - 2/9/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 05:56 - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

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By -__- - 28/10/2011 11:50 - Australia

Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

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By Taraa3 - 10/10/2009 10:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

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By funny? - 6/9/2016 04:43 - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told the guy I've liked since we were children that I'm madly in love with him. He replied with, "Aw, I love you too, as a sister." I was speechless. He patted me on the back and said, "Better luck next time." FML

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By thefailure - 2/8/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

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By moerae - 3/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2012 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was at a concert. It was dark and everyone was singing and waving their lit-up phones in the air. I was having a great time, until someone snatched my £200 phone out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, I am taking a 16 hour flight. Five minutes in, the lady on one side has clipped her toenails onto me and the guy on the other side has the most horrific gas I have ever smelled. To help this problem he bought a cheese plate from the stewardess. 15 hours and 55 minutes to go. FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By buhknee - 25/11/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

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By touche :/ - 7/7/2013 21:27 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to a big job interview. Eventually, the guy subtly enquired about my political beliefs. He seemed pretty laid-back and cool, so I told him, at which point he just chuckled and told me to leave. When I threatened to report him, he just said, "Who're they gonna believe, you or me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 06:49 - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 16:46 - United States

Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML

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By lekijkerd - 17/11/2012 13:56 - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML

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By MC Turtledick - 15/2/2012 01:28 - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 17:54 - Canada - Tatamagouche

Today, I was singing in the shower, not realising the window was open. When I got out, the neighbours were at the front door, loudly arguing with my mother. They were complaining about my awful singing. FML

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By Ondskansgris - 12/3/2009 09:59 - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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By Should have stayed in the closet - 7/6/2018 06:00

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 13:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 16:32 - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

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By Herbiee - 18/8/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By oh.geez - 5/2/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

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By dannij08 - 14/1/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

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By trina - 22/3/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - 17/11/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By Marcela - 18/3/2009 13:47 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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By unluckycounsellor - 30/6/2009 23:26 - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML

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Top comments

By Witchylady | 17

#6056175 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:23

Cats are the best.

By fsomelife | 26

#6056176 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:24

Take him to the vet and clean everything.

COMMENTS

By Witchylady | 17

#6056175 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:23

Cats are the best.

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6056599 - Thursday 4 September 2014 21:06

And by that we mean the worst.

MortenM | 17

#6056692 - Thursday 4 September 2014 23:01

I just don't get why plastic smells after a trip halfway through a cat & back.
Maybe OP would elaborate of how the otherwise odeurless plastic smells like. Besides vomit of course.

DoubleDosexo | 12

#6056735 - Thursday 4 September 2014 23:35

it smells almost as bad as it does if you burn it.

By fsomelife | 26

#6056176 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:24

Take him to the vet and clean everything.

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6056649 - Thursday 4 September 2014 22:34

Seems a bit obvious, no?

noah_1234 | 24

#6056839 - Friday 5 September 2014 1:35

mabye the vet seems like something new to someone who has never had a pet before

By pinkchocoa | 15

#6056177 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:24

Don't they say keep it away from cats on the tag ?

By pipipiyo | 12

#6056178 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:24

Maybe you'll be able to buy another one now since hopefully your cat will have learned its lesson..
Or maybe not.

HersheySquirts | 17

#6056186 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:28

Possibly twice the amount of puke and little balls as well...

badluckalex | 23

#6056189 - Thursday 4 September 2014 11:30

that would be the definition of insane..

Bibliovore | 26

#6056354 - Thursday 4 September 2014 14:57

I don't know why people are downvoting #9. It's from a quote that's often misattributed to Einstein, and clearly applies: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."