Kids: Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems...

By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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Kids

Messed up

Sorry…

Out of it

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By crzyry - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By scfead - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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By disturbedtosaytheleast - Canada

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By Anonymous

How nice of them.

Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

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By Sivvus - Reserved

Today, I paid £140 for a train ticket. All the seats were full. When I sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me. I paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 20:01

Unreasonable

Today, I had to choose between being in excruciating pain and having a happy significant other by doing housework, or resting my sprained ankle and having my significant other pissed off at me because she thinks I’m milking it. She went to bed two hours ago and I can barely move it. Guess which I chose. FML

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By khlonnae - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

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By kylie - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By WTTFFFF - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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By nope!

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

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Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

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By keiler

She'll be single for a looong time...

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 13:59 - Canada

Splish splash, I was taking a bath

Today, my neighbour decided to get high while leaving his bathtub running, resulting in passing out and starting a flood in the hallways. FML

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By RIP - United States - Lambertville

Troublemaker

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

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By Jac - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By mirrorfad - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

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By AccidentalToiletSpy

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

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By acorn - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 14:00

Mr Whiskers

Today, one of my friends was playing with a laser pointer. When he pointed it in my direction, I swatted at it away like it was a bug. Apparently, I'm part cat. FML

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By Goblin Girl - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By TooGulible - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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Top comments

By Gixie | 25

#5479987 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Sounds like a shitty time.

By herpaderpaherp | 17

#5479989 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Looks like he found a new form of finger painting

COMMENTS

By Gixie | 25

#5479987 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Sounds like a shitty time.

jojimugo | 20

#5479993 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:13

More like a shitty job

chowE_fml | 4

#5480045 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:33

Shitty situation. toss that kid out

bluehero | 17

#5480094 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:02

He's just a 4 year old, no need to toss the kid out out lol it's not his fault.

7yzzFML | 17

#5480099 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:07

Reminds me of that movie 'Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd' when Bob Saget comes into the bathroom "Theres Shit EVERYWHERE!!"

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480283 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:31

reminds me of the movie daddy day care

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480289 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:36

nooo I was to late #6 beat me. you win this time ~_~

Jelbeztok | 17

#5480305 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:50

Even at 4 you should know not to smear shit on the wall.

LightningCactus | 12

#5480340 - Monday 6 May 2013 7:17

Sounds more like an all-around shitty time.

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5480617 - Monday 6 May 2013 12:30

OP better have been paid a shit ton.

adam3650 | 12

#5480664 - Monday 6 May 2013 13:21

Sounds like a real dire rear situation...

By herpaderpaherp | 17

#5479989 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Looks like he found a new form of finger painting

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480285 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:32

think op would be glade when he uses washable markers and crayons

iAlissa | 34

#5480318 - Monday 6 May 2013 7:00

Fuck Crayola, lets use Crapola.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5480001 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:14

Gotta love kids...

ApollosMyth | 22

#5480249 - Monday 6 May 2013 5:44

No.. No you do not.

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480294 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:38

maybe just a little?

By CaptMurdock | 25

#5480002 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:14

You're gonna have a crappy time cleaning all that up.

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5480003 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:15

It doesn't sound like your a very good baby sitter...

KingDead | 18

#5480048 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:35

Lol, maybe not just that, but the fact OP seems to not have realized this going on, and being able to prevent a 4yr old destroying the place with shit.

And -you're- bad with grammar #7.

zombieslayer83 | 19

#5480106 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:10

Two birds with one stone. Good job #25.

By DocBastard | 38

#5480004 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:15

It seems to me that the majority of the evidence could have been prevented if you just threw the little shitball into the bath, clothes and all. That way he gets a fun bubble bath, and you avoid any stains that you'd have trouble explaining.

PhotoSmith | 25

#5480273 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:10

That's what I do when my kids have diarrhea in their pants. Saves me a lot of clean up getting the crap out of the clothes before they hot the washer.