Kids: Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems...

By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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Kids

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

On the beat

Stress level: 2020

By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 23:00

Stuck in TV Hell

Today, I'm self isolating with a mother who hogs the remote but doesn't know how to use it, and is so short-sighted she can barely see the TV. Every five minutes, I hear, "What have I done now?", "How have I got onto this then?" and she won't let me help her. FML

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By reluctant teacher - United States - Clarksville

School's out for summer, thank God!

Today, I had 15 teenagers literally laugh in my face when I asked them to be quiet. I'm a student teaching in a high school, which is the culmination of 2 years of my life and $20,000, and I might in fact actually hate doing it. FML

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By a - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By LadySteph12 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

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By VtecKickIn - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By anon - United States - Washougal

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML

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By a.baybay - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By Jason

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By Bulldogs09 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on aim, I noticed one of his friends away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said "I can't believe what I stick my d... In sometimes." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By Drew - United States - Great Falls

Today, I discovered that the neck injury that my mom has had since last week was planned just as an excuse not to shovel when today's snowstorm came. She has planned on being lazy for over a week now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By Jamie - United States - Newport News

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By starving_freelancer_forever

Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML

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By effingdoucher - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

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By Anonymous

BFF

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By Nanda - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

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By creepster - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By um

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

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By iamgermantoo - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By CalebNotShomo - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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By Nikki - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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By drewB - United States

Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML

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By matchristityler - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

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Top comments

By Gixie | 25

#5479987 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Sounds like a shitty time.

By herpaderpaherp | 17

#5479989 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Looks like he found a new form of finger painting

COMMENTS

By Gixie | 25

#5479987 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Sounds like a shitty time.

jojimugo | 20

#5479993 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:13

More like a shitty job

chowE_fml | 4

#5480045 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:33

Shitty situation. toss that kid out

bluehero | 17

#5480094 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:02

He's just a 4 year old, no need to toss the kid out out lol it's not his fault.

7yzzFML | 17

#5480099 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:07

Reminds me of that movie 'Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd' when Bob Saget comes into the bathroom "Theres Shit EVERYWHERE!!"

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480283 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:31

reminds me of the movie daddy day care

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480289 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:36

nooo I was to late #6 beat me. you win this time ~_~

Jelbeztok | 17

#5480305 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:50

Even at 4 you should know not to smear shit on the wall.

LightningCactus | 12

#5480340 - Monday 6 May 2013 7:17

Sounds more like an all-around shitty time.

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5480617 - Monday 6 May 2013 12:30

OP better have been paid a shit ton.

adam3650 | 12

#5480664 - Monday 6 May 2013 13:21

Sounds like a real dire rear situation...

By herpaderpaherp | 17

#5479989 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:11

Looks like he found a new form of finger painting

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480285 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:32

think op would be glade when he uses washable markers and crayons

iAlissa | 34

#5480318 - Monday 6 May 2013 7:00

Fuck Crayola, lets use Crapola.

By Marmarfarfar | 25

#5480001 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:14

Gotta love kids...

ApollosMyth | 22

#5480249 - Monday 6 May 2013 5:44

No.. No you do not.

LeFrogDog | 27

#5480294 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:38

maybe just a little?

By CaptMurdock | 25

#5480002 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:14

You're gonna have a crappy time cleaning all that up.

By Thisfreakingguy | 10

#5480003 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:15

It doesn't sound like your a very good baby sitter...

KingDead | 18

#5480048 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:35

Lol, maybe not just that, but the fact OP seems to not have realized this going on, and being able to prevent a 4yr old destroying the place with shit.

And -you're- bad with grammar #7.

zombieslayer83 | 19

#5480106 - Monday 6 May 2013 4:10

Two birds with one stone. Good job #25.

By DocBastard | 38

#5480004 - Monday 6 May 2013 3:15

It seems to me that the majority of the evidence could have been prevented if you just threw the little shitball into the bath, clothes and all. That way he gets a fun bubble bath, and you avoid any stains that you'd have trouble explaining.

PhotoSmith | 25

#5480273 - Monday 6 May 2013 6:10

That's what I do when my kids have diarrhea in their pants. Saves me a lot of clean up getting the crap out of the clothes before they hot the washer.