Miscellaneous: Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing... - FML

By MIB - 13/07/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 652

You deserved it 2 800

Stop talking!

This Charming Man

Best teeth in the game

By We raised that fool - 06/08/2014 13:21 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 241

You deserved it 4 020

By bakedplum - 01/11/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 739

You deserved it 23 769

Pissed

By pl. - 03/06/2021 21:59

Today, while on a road trip, I stopped at a gas station and told my kids to go to the restroom. My youngest daughter said, "I had to go earlier, but not anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 136

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 23:01

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 186

You deserved it 10 564

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 13:13 - United States - Crawfordville

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 259

You deserved it 31 470

By sad trick Or treat - 01/11/2016 21:25 - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 026

You deserved it 830

By Anonymous - 14/02/2013 00:00 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 283

You deserved it 5 082

By snowbunny - 12/02/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 333

You deserved it 31 433

By whatthehell - 24/04/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 211

You deserved it 3 739

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my mom found a box full of stuff she had been looking for. She starts going through it and finds baby pictures of my sister and I as well as pictures of the cats. She puts my baby pictures back in the box and closes the lid. The cat pictures are now hanging in her living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 827

You deserved it 3 807

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 22:29 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 994

You deserved it 5 694

By Kerrilyn - 17/05/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 974

You deserved it 54 853

By lifeonfire12 - 16/04/2012 01:13 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 602

You deserved it 41 962

By sheisselluv - 11/05/2014 20:30 - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 273

You deserved it 4 185

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 24/06/2020 20:08

Spicy

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 629

By Wowfmylife - 19/08/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 147

You deserved it 4 209

By Anonymous - 22/08/2013 17:56 - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 436

You deserved it 3 147

The Graduate

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 20:00

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 148

By anonomys - 05/09/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 216

You deserved it 10 090

By Badhairday - 11/06/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 692

You deserved it 4 102

Sorry

By Anonymous - 23/09/2013 18:06 - United States - Olympia

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 704

You deserved it 5 061

By jenny2989 - 07/06/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 814

You deserved it 17 981

Stinky

By ytho - 05/04/2021 00:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my natural body odor has gotten so bad that despite wearing 20 swipes of men’s deodorant under each armpit and taking three showers a day with an entire bottle of body wash, I still smell like a cross between onions and hot garbage. I’m a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 134

You deserved it 134

By MonsterInLaw - 08/06/2013 23:26 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 102

You deserved it 6 048

By mile high clubber - 14/07/2013 10:41 - United States - Bensalem

Spicy

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 025

You deserved it 13 643

By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 380

You deserved it 28 629

By FuckMcDonalds - 30/05/2018 20:30

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 087

You deserved it 267

By El Jeffe - 05/07/2016 17:54 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 854

You deserved it 4 374

Shush

By Bride - 25/02/2021 23:00 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to pick my wedding dress. My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was my consultant. She basically hinted that I looked fat in every dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 145

By Bonapp - 09/02/2012 22:11 - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 501

You deserved it 9 769

By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 033

You deserved it 11 297

By phillyfan4life - 21/02/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 772

You deserved it 28 387

By single once again - 29/12/2012 23:54 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he was cheating on me. He replied, "Nah, all the chicks in this town are fuck-ugly." and stared at me until I left the room. Good to know that's his only reason for staying faithful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 325

You deserved it 7 633

By davidthegreat - 05/07/2011 08:27 - Japan

Spicy

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 791

You deserved it 5 883

Memory man

By Anonymous - 20/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Kennebunk

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 672

You deserved it 3 247

By cheezmaster - 16/12/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 741

You deserved it 2 553

By okay then - 13/02/2013 22:09 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 745

You deserved it 3 508

By pi_power_15 - 11/08/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 676

You deserved it 2 810

By Anonyme - 29/01/2016 22:38 - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 301

You deserved it 2 374

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Top comments

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:34

Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:34

Tell her the aliens are coming for her

Comments

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:34

Tell her the aliens are coming for her

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:40

Tell her to stfu and let you make your next 007 film. Then request a sex scene with her for the "film." If she's ugly, ask for her daughter.

whyXD 12

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:51

use your imagination, have fun.

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:53

tell her your actually a Porno director. if he asks which one, just say: avrile lavigne and Emma Watson sex tape; the anal hammer. works every time.

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:16

Better buy a tuxedo.... doo roo doo do do rooooo

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:22

were they butt naked banging on your bathroom door?

Thunderbender 2

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Thursday 14 July 2011 0:43

. . . Well are you a spy?

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Thursday 14 July 2011 2:07

badud300. that's not the beat for 007 at all.

dolphincheddar 10

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Thursday 14 July 2011 3:12

umm.. calling the cops is a bit drastic. and your neighbors a creep but at least she doesn't stalk you or something..

ChibiChibi_fml 27

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Thursday 14 July 2011 4:45

How is calling the cops drastic if the woman won't go away? If she's been asked repeatedly to leave and refuses than calling the cops seems like the best response. If she seems a bit crazy (as someone accusing you of being a spy might) it seems like the smart response.

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Thursday 14 July 2011 5:23

I'm pretty sure if you call the cops they have to come

a_nutritionist 10

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Thursday 14 July 2011 5:46

"there are 5 snipers trained on you as we speak, if you value your life you should turn around and walk away now. ill pretend this conversation never took place and wont need to tell my superiors the mission is compromised and to terminate the subject immediately."

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Thursday 14 July 2011 8:16

3 fingers, were the 3 best friends that anyone can have.

WallyTheWombat 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 14:53

Hit her with a bat, she'll go away.

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:34

well, you know what they say...

KaySL 24

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:37

No, but please feel free to enlighten us.

NomOnShroomz 14

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:45

Well I know what your mom said last night... would you like me to enlighten you?

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 23:38

im embarrassed for you 19......

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Thursday 14 July 2011 6:40

lmfao 6 ahahaha

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Thursday 14 July 2011 8:17

smart asses

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Thursday 14 July 2011 8:24

What DO they say? Please tell cuz i am just NOT getting it!

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Thursday 14 July 2011 8:26

are you an Austrailian?

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Friday 15 July 2011 8:32

lmao, I'm not.

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:34

Tell her that she's blown your cover and that you're going to have to kill her

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Thursday 14 July 2011 2:05

That looks so awsome with that picture lol

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Thursday 14 July 2011 5:37

This must be the same neighbor that thinks that OP is trying to steal her husband..

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Thursday 14 July 2011 6:41

#73 haha i was thinkn tha same thing

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Thursday 14 July 2011 6:53

Lmao, I thought so too.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 1:46

I second that

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:35

The name's Bond, James Bond, let me show you to my room and I'll explain everything...

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:36

that's actually funny. I'd play along and do spy-like stuff whenever she's looking, lol.

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:46

That's a good idea. Maybe she'll be so freaked out, she'll move away.

NomOnShroomz 14

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:59

Or maybe she'll be freaked out and stab her. See not such a good idea.

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Thursday 14 July 2011 0:59

who would stab a secret agent? Lol

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Thursday 14 July 2011 0:59

who would stab a secret agent? Lol

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Thursday 14 July 2011 1:00

oopsy, stupid iPhone double posting.

loooooooooool_fml 1

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Thursday 14 July 2011 11:38

rainbo955, obviously the neighbour would stab him, because she's crazy enough..

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:38

well stop being a secret agent then

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:38

what would happen if I hired two detectives to follow eachother?

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:40

Who cares...

scottishandrew1 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:42

you would find out who the better detective was?

MrSassypants 32

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Thursday 14 July 2011 2:49

They would keep looking out for each other then eventually both of them would follow each other in circles for awhile (I don't mean two feet away circles, I mean around the block circles) and would think each other were suspicious for doing that and might confront each other and find out your plan... then you're just screwed buddy.

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Thursday 14 July 2011 8:27

i dunno

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Thursday 14 July 2011 11:56

But what if you have a detective following a detective who's following a detective who's following the first detective?

raphanne_fml 33

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Thursday 14 July 2011 18:24

And have you ever wondered how many bears could bear grylls grill if bear grylls could grill bears?

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:38

She knows too much. Kill her now.

CommonSenseKarma 17

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Thursday 14 July 2011 9:37

NO WAIT, OKAY IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:39

Shut the door, and lock it. If the cops won't believe you then they can't blame you if she phones them cos you ignore her.

scottishandrew1 0

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 22:40

I'd have to set up a telescope in front of my window and point it at her house...... cause I'm gangsta like that!

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Thursday 14 July 2011 6:44

just wantd to tell ya that ur pic is freakkkkyy

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 119

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 295

You deserved it 95