Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and...

By JacksWag4 - 16/8/2013 22:21 - United States - Romulus

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and testament. My parents, as well as my brothers and sister, all inherited a nice sum of money. I got 69 cents, because "young Jack always was an immature little shit." FML

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Money

Goodbye Bill

Banished

Don't give up

By Dulieu - 10/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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By Kenny - 24/1/2014 07:16 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

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By Chemist-why - 30/1/2015 15:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By Oihana - 1/8/2015 03:30 - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

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By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2016 23:24 - United States - Winder

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

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By whatdidIdo - 3/9/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

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By crzyry - 23/2/2012 03:49 - Canada

Today, my four-year-old daughter called me by her mom's new boyfriend's name. Three different times. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 02:11 - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 21:57 - Egypt

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

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By Cassandra - 14/10/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

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By This girl - 19/12/2011 18:01 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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By Prometheus - 24/3/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By uglywoman - 14/12/2010 08:21 - Australia

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By courtnayy - 30/9/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

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By BrillianceSucks - 5/4/2013 00:10 - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

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By snipsnip - 16/7/2016 01:14

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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By Rusty - 3/7/2015 19:02 - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By awkwardology - 27/9/2013 07:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum dismissed my diagnosed schizophrenia as "too much time with those earphones in". FML

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By klala - 8/2/2012 14:07 - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

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By david - 28/4/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By sandwichsex - 8/8/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 05:01

Vicious and unprovoked

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

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By kiriakousauce21 - 15/2/2010 07:44 - France

Today, I woke up thinking after wearing glasses and contacts all my life that I had miraculously been corrected to 20/20. Turns out I had just fallen asleep with my contacts in. FML

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By strawberrypuff - 4/5/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

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By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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By HK - 16/5/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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Top comments

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5631127 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:28

Didn't leave you with jack shit...

By georgeee97 | 9

#5631124 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:27

Dang man that sucks. Maybe you shoulda been nicer too your old grandpa :/

COMMENTS

By georgeee97 | 9

#5631124 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:27

Dang man that sucks. Maybe you shoulda been nicer too your old grandpa :/

webbface | 25

#5631159 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:36

Word, obviously there is more to this story then Jacks grandfather not being nice lol.

UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#5631163 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:37

^
Weiner

friedpwnadge | 25

#5631207 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:53

If he decided to screw you in front of the entire family, that's on his grave for all of eternity. Just be glad you make much more than that in an hour.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5631305 - Saturday 17 August 2013 7:38

I was wondering how the lawyer (or whomever did the reading,) read that aloud with a straight face...

corocoro | 30

#5631545 - Saturday 17 August 2013 14:45

And make less 69 jokes.

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5631127 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:28

Didn't leave you with jack shit...

tacojauns | 45

#5631198 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

Hey don't be a Jackass...

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5631222 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:03

This FML is pretty jacked up.

tacojauns | 45

#5631231 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:11

at least it's not jacked off.

phoughto | 5

#5631253 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:29

You went there....

JtPv | 14

#5631339 - Saturday 17 August 2013 8:34

41...how was that...you know what, I don't wanna know.

ApologyKick | 25

#5631525 - Saturday 17 August 2013 14:19

41- Speak for yourself. If I were the FML, I would like to be jacked off. But maybe that's just me.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5631131 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

You're only immature if you giggled when you heard the "69".

etishuman22 | 32

#5631188 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:43

Well crap. I must suck. 'Cuz I laughed.

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5631216 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:58

I didn't giggle, I cackled. Good to see I've matured.

NatalieOntheTram | 11

#5631223 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:03

I guffawed.

etishuman22 | 32

#5631258 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:34

I guess I shouldnt be ashamed of my immaturity, then! Seems you've got company, OP!

DFresh503 | 8

#5631376 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:30

Giggedy

BigJoeZD | 16

#5631559 - Saturday 17 August 2013 15:13

This comment has 96thumbs up at time of posting. If only I had a mirror :(

Ctrl_H | 18

#5631694 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:37

A mirror would only make the numbers backwards...it still wouldn't be 69.

starile | 19

#5632600 - Sunday 18 August 2013 6:50

An Enchanted mirror would make it 69.

kaitlynanne33 | 5

#5731068 - Sunday 27 October 2013 5:42

I giggled lol

By kmm316 | 9

#5631132 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

Well, whether it was true or not, it was your Grandfather's choice what do to with his money. Sorry it didn't work out for you though OP :/

By TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631134 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

Well that does suck, however if your creating an fml about not getting as much money as the rest if your family that's sad.

MattOnFML | 13

#5631160 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:36

True! This shouldn't be about not receiving money, but rather your family members death

UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#5631167 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:38

Dick was his name

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631177 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:41

Before anyone points out my mistake should have said *of not "if". ._.

emeraldisle | 30

#5631195 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:46

Should also be "you're"

Nyx_fml | 23

#5631197 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

And here I was excited thinking you were correcting that awful "your" in your comment. Oh well, one step at a time.

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631208 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:53

Ahhh no, better go put on my armor to prepare myself for the dowvotes.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5631503 - Saturday 17 August 2013 13:44

The Joker does not don his armor when he gets downvoted. He blows up a hospital.

slybugsy | 5

#5631634 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:35

Uh no, your was the correct spelling. Go back to school.

slybugsy | 5

#5631640 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:39

Oh the first "your". Got It.

By ironik69 | 31

#5631137 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

Even in death, he trolled you.

By aboelmagd | 18

#5631138 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

Rest in peace old man.

By jayceejaco | 15

#5631139 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

You're grandpa didn't like you at all.

jayceejaco | 15

#5631199 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

Your*

Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5631278 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:52

How did you get that wrong in the first place?

hashshim | 21

#5631336 - Saturday 17 August 2013 8:31

52: I'm assuming it was due to autocorrect, that happens to me a lot.

By AnthonyWheeler15 | 24

#5631143 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:31

In a way that's sentimental, right?

GRgoldfish | 19

#5631690 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:31

not even a little

By brave_josh | 9

#5631145 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:31

*About to die*
"Hehe, give Jack 69 cents."
*Dies*

Alihb | 16

#5631370 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:22

Yet you can type a comment