Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and...

By JacksWag4 - United States - Romulus

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's last will and testament. My parents, as well as my brothers and sister, all inherited a nice sum of money. I got 69 cents, because "young Jack always was an immature little shit." FML

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Money

And today, on Dr Phil…

Small town blues

Summertime sadness

By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By c.hip - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By Sarah - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss mistakenly drunk texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

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By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

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By mortified - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By blueballs - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By unlucky - Canada

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

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By Flyboy - United States

Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

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By FML - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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By towelwindow - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

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By DocDog

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

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By jagerbombs - United States

Today, I woke up at a strangers house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML

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By raebelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

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By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By initforthewrongreasons

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least 4 relationships. FML

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By Erasmus - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By disgusted - United States

Today, I found out that my old roommate used to clean her goldfish bowl with my toothbrush. We lived together for six months. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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By Rebecca - Australia - Dural

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By semi-depressed - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of one month and I had an amazing night of dinner and dancing, but when I leaned in to kiss her, she said, "You're joking right?" FML

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By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By yermom - United States

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

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By elizabethyeo - Australia

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

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By not ashamed! - 5/9/2020 07:57 - United States

Double standards

Today, I was told how irresponsible, dangerous and shameful it is to date as a single mom. Apparently, my one and only focus should be my children. I’ve had one boyfriend in the past two years. Meanwhile, my ex-husband has a new flavor of the month around our kids whenever he sees fit. FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I was in an audition for a production at this theater in town. The directors at the table loved my audition. One of them said "I'd love to talk to you about coming to TCU." I said "Oh, yeah! I know Harry Parker at TCU who runs the theater department." I said this to Harry Parker. FML

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By thisistypical - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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By Inga44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, a teenage girl with a selfie stick came into my workplace. She knocked down multiple displays while trying to take pictures, before leaving without making a purchase. I had to clean it all up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

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Top comments

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5631127 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:28

Didn't leave you with jack shit...

By georgeee97 | 9

#5631124 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:27

Dang man that sucks. Maybe you shoulda been nicer too your old grandpa :/

COMMENTS

By georgeee97 | 9

#5631124 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:27

Dang man that sucks. Maybe you shoulda been nicer too your old grandpa :/

webbface | 25

#5631159 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:36

Word, obviously there is more to this story then Jacks grandfather not being nice lol.

UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#5631163 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:37

^
Weiner

friedpwnadge | 25

#5631207 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:53

If he decided to screw you in front of the entire family, that's on his grave for all of eternity. Just be glad you make much more than that in an hour.

jkmartinjk | 16

#5631305 - Saturday 17 August 2013 7:38

I was wondering how the lawyer (or whomever did the reading,) read that aloud with a straight face...

corocoro | 30

#5631545 - Saturday 17 August 2013 14:45

And make less 69 jokes.

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5631127 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:28

Didn't leave you with jack shit...

tacojauns | 45

#5631198 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

Hey don't be a Jackass...

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5631222 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:03

This FML is pretty jacked up.

tacojauns | 45

#5631231 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:11

at least it's not jacked off.

phoughto | 5

#5631253 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:29

You went there....

JtPv | 14

#5631339 - Saturday 17 August 2013 8:34

41...how was that...you know what, I don't wanna know.

ApologyKick | 25

#5631525 - Saturday 17 August 2013 14:19

41- Speak for yourself. If I were the FML, I would like to be jacked off. But maybe that's just me.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5631131 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

You're only immature if you giggled when you heard the "69".

etishuman22 | 32

#5631188 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:43

Well crap. I must suck. 'Cuz I laughed.

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5631216 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:58

I didn't giggle, I cackled. Good to see I've matured.

NatalieOntheTram | 11

#5631223 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:03

I guffawed.

etishuman22 | 32

#5631258 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:34

I guess I shouldnt be ashamed of my immaturity, then! Seems you've got company, OP!

DFresh503 | 8

#5631376 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:30

Giggedy

BigJoeZD | 16

#5631559 - Saturday 17 August 2013 15:13

This comment has 96thumbs up at time of posting. If only I had a mirror :(

Ctrl_H | 18

#5631694 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:37

A mirror would only make the numbers backwards...it still wouldn't be 69.

starile | 19

#5632600 - Sunday 18 August 2013 6:50

An Enchanted mirror would make it 69.

kaitlynanne33 | 5

#5731068 - Sunday 27 October 2013 5:42

I giggled lol

By kmm316 | 9

#5631132 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

Well, whether it was true or not, it was your Grandfather's choice what do to with his money. Sorry it didn't work out for you though OP :/

By TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631134 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:29

Well that does suck, however if your creating an fml about not getting as much money as the rest if your family that's sad.

MattOnFML | 13

#5631160 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:36

True! This shouldn't be about not receiving money, but rather your family members death

UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#5631167 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:38

Dick was his name

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631177 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:41

Before anyone points out my mistake should have said *of not "if". ._.

emeraldisle | 30

#5631195 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:46

Should also be "you're"

Nyx_fml | 23

#5631197 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

And here I was excited thinking you were correcting that awful "your" in your comment. Oh well, one step at a time.

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5631208 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:53

Ahhh no, better go put on my armor to prepare myself for the dowvotes.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5631503 - Saturday 17 August 2013 13:44

The Joker does not don his armor when he gets downvoted. He blows up a hospital.

slybugsy | 5

#5631634 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:35

Uh no, your was the correct spelling. Go back to school.

slybugsy | 5

#5631640 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:39

Oh the first "your". Got It.

By ironik69 | 31

#5631137 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

Even in death, he trolled you.

By aboelmagd | 18

#5631138 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

Rest in peace old man.

By jayceejaco | 15

#5631139 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:30

You're grandpa didn't like you at all.

jayceejaco | 15

#5631199 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:48

Your*

Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5631278 - Saturday 17 August 2013 6:52

How did you get that wrong in the first place?

hashshim | 21

#5631336 - Saturday 17 August 2013 8:31

52: I'm assuming it was due to autocorrect, that happens to me a lot.

By AnthonyWheeler15 | 24

#5631143 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:31

In a way that's sentimental, right?

GRgoldfish | 19

#5631690 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:31

not even a little

By brave_josh | 9

#5631145 - Saturday 17 August 2013 5:31

*About to die*
"Hehe, give Jack 69 cents."
*Dies*

Alihb | 16

#5631370 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:22

Yet you can type a comment