Miscellaneous: Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27017

You deserved it

2859

Tweet

Share

Understandable

There's no helping some people

Zeitgeist

By Order of the Dangling Testicles - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53995

You deserved it

4305

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38039

You deserved it

3311

Tweet

Share

By dannyfanny - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42672

You deserved it

2592

Tweet

Share

By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2678

You deserved it

271

Tweet

Share

By SuperJesus - United Kingdom

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69256

You deserved it

8031

Tweet

Share

By BearGrillz - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36236

You deserved it

25912

Tweet

Share

By trbaby - United States - El Cajon

Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6670

You deserved it

519

Tweet

Share

By Shoeless - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7337

You deserved it

35219

Tweet

Share

By Ben - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4823

You deserved it

448

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38296

You deserved it

7488

Tweet

Share

By Well then

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3186

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By Missyangel - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30290

You deserved it

11426

Tweet

Share

By booearns - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26843

You deserved it

3142

Tweet

Share

By holladaddy - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56028

You deserved it

10318

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23710

You deserved it

1798

Tweet

Share

By anonymous

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34121

You deserved it

6415

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2352

You deserved it

221

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30009

You deserved it

3419

Tweet

Share

By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

120371

You deserved it

13919

Tweet

Share

By Gee... Thanks

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36682

You deserved it

5638

Tweet

Share

By niii - France

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22100

You deserved it

13935

Tweet

Share

By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42590

You deserved it

5363

Tweet

Share

By Anonyme - France - G?anges

Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29420

You deserved it

2593

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19455

You deserved it

3351

Tweet

Share

By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12872

You deserved it

37914

Tweet

Share

By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68047

You deserved it

34200

Tweet

Share

By HoHoSnow - United States

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself unstuck, the snow plow came by and buried the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28755

You deserved it

2188

Tweet

Share

By Luckless

Today, I'm preparing my defense for allegedly stalking someone at work. The best part, I have absolutely no clue who it is. Now my skin is crawling as I go through all the messages and in person events that occurred with my actual twice-my-age stalker to show my boss what a real stalker does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2130

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By Stranded - United States

Today, I got back from a romantic vacation at a fancy hotel with my boyfriend of 6 months. After a steamy love session, I confessed that I was in love with him. Later, when I got out of the shower, all his stuff was gone and I was stuck with the entire week's hotel cost and no ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63733

You deserved it

6707

Tweet

Share

By Teen - United States

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22023

You deserved it

2967

Tweet

Share

By stuck - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16062

You deserved it

4297

Tweet

Share

By Jim

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28314

You deserved it

4278

Tweet

Share

By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24300

You deserved it

3013

Tweet

Share

By matchristityler - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32558

You deserved it

4332

Tweet

Share

By Well, crap - Denmark - Kongerslev

Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52278

You deserved it

22157

Tweet

Share

By AV - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19026

You deserved it

5960

Tweet

Share

By Ross R - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38135

You deserved it

2378

Tweet

Share

By foops - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45746

You deserved it

11558

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3820

You deserved it

443

Tweet

Share

By vsshopper - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42981

You deserved it

3845

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

COMMENTS

By mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3787776 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:31

Pwned by an old woman, I see?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787877 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:48

More like freaked out by a horny granny.

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3787986 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:19

Thumb up if u like tacos

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3788685 - Monday 26 December 2011 7:17

Thumb up if you like tacos

Reply

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3790972 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:21

It is close to the same thing, correct? Sorry, sometimes American idioms confuse me.

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3787825 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:38

Back in her day she also had boobs that didn't sag to her stomach

Reply

EllyMo | 15

#3787841 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:40

Whats between a 70 year old woman's breasts that isn't between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

Her naval.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3788005 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:24

But if she was complaining about the amount of "stuffing" then why would she need teeth? Teeth hurt.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3788164 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

old people, you can count on them always being toothless and horny (in no specific order).

Reply

AlaskanEskimo34 | 0

#3788566 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

yea my grandma always complains about teens having sex and babies so young, but if they had a "16 and pregnant" back in the old days, she'd star in it.

Reply

lilpowers | 3

#3791034 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:59

Back in the old days if you weren't 16 and pregnant there was something wrong with you.

By soccerguy2 | 11

#3787786 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

you can't expect to be with your family and have no complaining.

By choshaki | 8

#3787788 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

It's normal, my moms not even that old and she still complains. Get over it OP

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787851 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

But does your mum make sexual remarks about the things she is complaining about?

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3790804 - Monday 26 December 2011 20:04

I can see an old skinny orange haired gramma smoking a cigarette making sexual remarks abouy stuffing. Not that hard to imagine

Reply

Brock13598 | 0

#3791167 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 0:34

What is OP?

Reply

golfer_boi | 10

#4458095 - Sunday 20 May 2012 5:19

Octagonal Penis clearly. Orangutan Pussy. Shall I continue?

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5135604 - Saturday 10 November 2012 21:56

Outrageous Popcorn... don't listen to the other guy.

By FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3787789 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

What is your grandmother's comment supposed to mean? I don't get it...

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787835 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:39

Then you shouldn't be on here

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3787885 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:51

She was obviously talking about taxidermies.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787932 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:03

Someone doesn't understand sexual innuendo...

Reply

wilbiepig_fml | 0

#3787936 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:04

She's talking about... sex. Seems obvious to me.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

Reply

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3788021 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:28

#26 I understand sexual innuendo just fine. I've just never heard it put that way before. Frankly comparing stuffing to sex is sickening to me...especially around the table with family whilst having Christmas dinner.

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3788076 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:38

38, Hence the FML.

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3788167 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

Hmm 33 I still didn't get the message.

Reply

blackstar994 | 5

#3788212 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:36

I'm with 48. A few more and I might.

Reply

Monkeybuttcream | 4

#3788603 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:34

Grandma, tell us the story about the time you took on 12 cocks and won!

Reply

elk21dbm | 18

#3792212 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:15

U win just for actually saying "making the beast with two backs." I've only ever heard it twice

By raphanne_fml | 33

#3787800 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

She is like Joey Tribbiani, we always know what they mean...

Reply

DayAndNite | 8

#3790976 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:24

Pretty good if you know what I mean.

By rcloca | 10

#3787807 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

Grandma still got some swag I see.

Reply

patnix | 6

#3788569 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

Grandmas will always have swag

Reply

desireev | 17

#3791648 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:38

I've heard of S&M.. But not S&S.. Swag and Sag... Yeeeeaah!!! :D

By flockz | 19

#3787816 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:36

"that time with your grandfather wow. talk about roasting his chestnuts in front of an open fire. sex on a bearskin rug is amazing just to let you know."

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#3787853 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

Roasting his chestnuts? Merry Christmas children, your grandma's a sadomasochist!

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788234 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:45

Flockz, put you're bear picture back :(

Reply

flockz | 19

#3788463 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:25

this one?

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788470 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:29

Whoaa wtf D: haha no, the derp one. You obviously don't have to, I just only know you with that picture :P

Reply

Glidefedt | 6

#3789423 - Monday 26 December 2011 11:36

It's much better when theres no teeth ;)

By desireev | 17

#3787821 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:37

Grandma... Gotta love her! :)

By SkoomaKi | 27

#3787861 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:42

Just tell her to go take a nap.

Reply

Branflakes78 | 13

#3788532 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:08

yea because that solves everything!! (not)