Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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Tense

No justice

Near the knuckle

By shitttyyyday - 14/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

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By Confession - 16/5/2016 02:07 - Belgium

Get the message

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

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By keimA - 23/6/2019 12:30

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

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By bob - 1/9/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 09:45

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

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By bertthelamb - 17/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By Obi-Wan - 8/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Pink Lightsaber

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

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By Neversleepingthereagain - 28/2/2013 19:00 - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

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By Bortenssen - 8/8/2019 10:05 - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

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By flurina - 18/12/2009 20:44 - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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By koletatlow19 - 5/3/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 12:00

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

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By radiationkillz - 21/3/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By Maddie - 22/3/2011 15:39

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

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By UncleMonkey - 6/3/2015 06:18 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML

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By totallymyfaultyeah - 18/7/2017 05:00

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 05:25 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

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By Sarah - 10/3/2009 17:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - 29/5/2015 15:05 - Canada - Markham

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

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By NoThanksGrandma - 20/11/2011 07:37

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

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By .__. - 16/7/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

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By andimanastudent - 13/4/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By damnnn - 17/7/2015 12:40 - Australia

Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 18:39 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

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By knews - 18/3/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

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By Violet - 19/4/2011 09:50 - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

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By riiiight - 29/1/2014 22:14 - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - 14/1/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said "ewwww". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up at 3am because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML

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By EOJ - 10/2/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

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By bee - 23/12/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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Top comments

By rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

COMMENTS

By mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3787776 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:31

Pwned by an old woman, I see?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787877 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:48

More like freaked out by a horny granny.

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3787986 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:19

Thumb up if u like tacos

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3788685 - Monday 26 December 2011 7:17

Thumb up if you like tacos

Reply

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3790972 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:21

It is close to the same thing, correct? Sorry, sometimes American idioms confuse me.

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3787825 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:38

Back in her day she also had boobs that didn't sag to her stomach

Reply

EllyMo | 15

#3787841 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:40

Whats between a 70 year old woman's breasts that isn't between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

Her naval.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3788005 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:24

But if she was complaining about the amount of "stuffing" then why would she need teeth? Teeth hurt.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3788164 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

old people, you can count on them always being toothless and horny (in no specific order).

Reply

AlaskanEskimo34 | 0

#3788566 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

yea my grandma always complains about teens having sex and babies so young, but if they had a "16 and pregnant" back in the old days, she'd star in it.

Reply

lilpowers | 3

#3791034 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:59

Back in the old days if you weren't 16 and pregnant there was something wrong with you.

By soccerguy2 | 11

#3787786 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

you can't expect to be with your family and have no complaining.

By choshaki | 8

#3787788 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

It's normal, my moms not even that old and she still complains. Get over it OP

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787851 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

But does your mum make sexual remarks about the things she is complaining about?

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3790804 - Monday 26 December 2011 20:04

I can see an old skinny orange haired gramma smoking a cigarette making sexual remarks abouy stuffing. Not that hard to imagine

Reply

Brock13598 | 0

#3791167 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 0:34

What is OP?

Reply

golfer_boi | 10

#4458095 - Sunday 20 May 2012 5:19

Octagonal Penis clearly. Orangutan Pussy. Shall I continue?

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5135604 - Saturday 10 November 2012 21:56

Outrageous Popcorn... don't listen to the other guy.

By FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3787789 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

What is your grandmother's comment supposed to mean? I don't get it...

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787835 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:39

Then you shouldn't be on here

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3787885 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:51

She was obviously talking about taxidermies.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787932 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:03

Someone doesn't understand sexual innuendo...

Reply

wilbiepig_fml | 0

#3787936 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:04

She's talking about... sex. Seems obvious to me.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

Reply

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3788021 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:28

#26 I understand sexual innuendo just fine. I've just never heard it put that way before. Frankly comparing stuffing to sex is sickening to me...especially around the table with family whilst having Christmas dinner.

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3788076 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:38

38, Hence the FML.

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3788167 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

Hmm 33 I still didn't get the message.

Reply

blackstar994 | 5

#3788212 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:36

I'm with 48. A few more and I might.

Reply

Monkeybuttcream | 4

#3788603 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:34

Grandma, tell us the story about the time you took on 12 cocks and won!

Reply

elk21dbm | 18

#3792212 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:15

U win just for actually saying "making the beast with two backs." I've only ever heard it twice

By raphanne_fml | 33

#3787800 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

She is like Joey Tribbiani, we always know what they mean...

Reply

DayAndNite | 8

#3790976 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:24

Pretty good if you know what I mean.

By rcloca | 10

#3787807 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

Grandma still got some swag I see.

Reply

patnix | 6

#3788569 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

Grandmas will always have swag

Reply

desireev | 17

#3791648 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:38

I've heard of S&M.. But not S&S.. Swag and Sag... Yeeeeaah!!! :D

By flockz | 19

#3787816 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:36

"that time with your grandfather wow. talk about roasting his chestnuts in front of an open fire. sex on a bearskin rug is amazing just to let you know."

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#3787853 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

Roasting his chestnuts? Merry Christmas children, your grandma's a sadomasochist!

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788234 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:45

Flockz, put you're bear picture back :(

Reply

flockz | 19

#3788463 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:25

this one?

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788470 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:29

Whoaa wtf D: haha no, the derp one. You obviously don't have to, I just only know you with that picture :P

Reply

Glidefedt | 6

#3789423 - Monday 26 December 2011 11:36

It's much better when theres no teeth ;)

By desireev | 17

#3787821 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:37

Grandma... Gotta love her! :)

By SkoomaKi | 27

#3787861 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:42

Just tell her to go take a nap.

Reply

Branflakes78 | 13

#3788532 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:08

yea because that solves everything!! (not)