Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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Boozehound

Big baby man

White line fever

By kdriver - 12/9/2016 14:44 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2012 20:08 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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By cars hate me - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 16:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By iheartnjdevils - 12/1/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

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By Jeezus - 16/2/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By uncleaning - 22/7/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

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By lonelyandbored - 31/5/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 08:00

Lemon or haunted?

Today, our boiler broke. Yesterday, it was our fridge. The day before that, the deck collapsed, and a few weeks ago the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. This is after we spent a ton of money to have the house gutted due to a mold problem. We only bought the house a year ago, and have lived in it even less. We need to move. FML

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By sleekRelease - 11/6/2019 04:00

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By kaydebug - 15/8/2018 03:30

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By confiancedecrise - 22/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By lexiiiiiiweee - 19/2/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

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By Sadmom - 17/9/2009 23:58 - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

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By midwify - 5/1/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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By stillloverher - 19/9/2017 23:45

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

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By nmaidkieavg - 25/1/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

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By annoyed - 28/8/2012 17:50 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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By squizzlebee - 24/2/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 04:02 - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

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By AnonymousCow - 20/9/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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By scardeycat13 - 8/1/2012 05:38 - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared I passed out. I was only on the kiddy hill. FML

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By DarkDolly - 4/2/2012 16:39 - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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By JJAnd - 28/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

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By yikes - 21/4/2012 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By shots shots shots - 12/2/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

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By EconM - 3/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By loveless - 18/10/2009 10:30 - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2016 07:53 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

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By CollegeChef - 21/1/2013 06:03 - Australia

Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML

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By anonyme - 21/6/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

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By ugh - 9/1/2013 01:01 - United States - Saint Clair Shores

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

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By gamerlaura - 17/7/2016 22:38

Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML

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Top comments

By rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

Comments

By mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3787776 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:31

Pwned by an old woman, I see?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787877 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:48

More like freaked out by a horny granny.

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3787986 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:19

Thumb up if u like tacos

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3788685 - Monday 26 December 2011 7:17

Thumb up if you like tacos

Reply

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3790972 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:21

It is close to the same thing, correct? Sorry, sometimes American idioms confuse me.

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3787825 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:38

Back in her day she also had boobs that didn't sag to her stomach

Reply

EllyMo | 15

#3787841 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:40

Whats between a 70 year old woman's breasts that isn't between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

Her naval.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3788005 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:24

But if she was complaining about the amount of "stuffing" then why would she need teeth? Teeth hurt.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3788164 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

old people, you can count on them always being toothless and horny (in no specific order).

Reply

AlaskanEskimo34 | 0

#3788566 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

yea my grandma always complains about teens having sex and babies so young, but if they had a "16 and pregnant" back in the old days, she'd star in it.

Reply

lilpowers | 3

#3791034 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:59

Back in the old days if you weren't 16 and pregnant there was something wrong with you.

By soccerguy2 | 11

#3787786 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

you can't expect to be with your family and have no complaining.

By choshaki | 8

#3787788 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

It's normal, my moms not even that old and she still complains. Get over it OP

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787851 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

But does your mum make sexual remarks about the things she is complaining about?

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3790804 - Monday 26 December 2011 20:04

I can see an old skinny orange haired gramma smoking a cigarette making sexual remarks abouy stuffing. Not that hard to imagine

Reply

Brock13598 | 0

#3791167 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 0:34

What is OP?

Reply

golfer_boi | 10

#4458095 - Sunday 20 May 2012 5:19

Octagonal Penis clearly. Orangutan Pussy. Shall I continue?

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5135604 - Saturday 10 November 2012 21:56

Outrageous Popcorn... don't listen to the other guy.

By FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3787789 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

What is your grandmother's comment supposed to mean? I don't get it...

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787835 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:39

Then you shouldn't be on here

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3787885 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:51

She was obviously talking about taxidermies.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787932 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:03

Someone doesn't understand sexual innuendo...

Reply

wilbiepig_fml | 0

#3787936 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:04

She's talking about... sex. Seems obvious to me.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

Reply

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3788021 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:28

#26 I understand sexual innuendo just fine. I've just never heard it put that way before. Frankly comparing stuffing to sex is sickening to me...especially around the table with family whilst having Christmas dinner.

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3788076 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:38

38, Hence the FML.

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3788167 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

Hmm 33 I still didn't get the message.

Reply

blackstar994 | 5

#3788212 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:36

I'm with 48. A few more and I might.

Reply

Monkeybuttcream | 4

#3788603 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:34

Grandma, tell us the story about the time you took on 12 cocks and won!

Reply

elk21dbm | 18

#3792212 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:15

U win just for actually saying "making the beast with two backs." I've only ever heard it twice

By raphanne_fml | 33

#3787800 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

She is like Joey Tribbiani, we always know what they mean...

Reply

DayAndNite | 8

#3790976 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:24

Pretty good if you know what I mean.

By rcloca | 10

#3787807 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

Grandma still got some swag I see.

Reply

patnix | 6

#3788569 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

Grandmas will always have swag

Reply

desireev | 17

#3791648 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:38

I've heard of S&M.. But not S&S.. Swag and Sag... Yeeeeaah!!! :D

By flockz | 19

#3787816 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:36

"that time with your grandfather wow. talk about roasting his chestnuts in front of an open fire. sex on a bearskin rug is amazing just to let you know."

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#3787853 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

Roasting his chestnuts? Merry Christmas children, your grandma's a sadomasochist!

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788234 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:45

Flockz, put you're bear picture back :(

Reply

flockz | 19

#3788463 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:25

this one?

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788470 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:29

Whoaa wtf D: haha no, the derp one. You obviously don't have to, I just only know you with that picture :P

Reply

Glidefedt | 6

#3789423 - Monday 26 December 2011 11:36

It's much better when theres no teeth ;)

By desireev | 17

#3787821 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:37

Grandma... Gotta love her! :)

By SkoomaKi | 27

#3787861 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:42

Just tell her to go take a nap.

Reply

Branflakes78 | 13

#3788532 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:08

yea because that solves everything!! (not)