Miscellaneous: Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Teenagers, amirite?

By Preggo

Today, I vomited so hard into the toilet that the water splashed back into my face. I instinctually moved away only to finish puking on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

No justice

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

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By Ellie - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

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By crazy mother in law

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

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By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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By Ditzyfitzy

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 17:01

Toilet drama

Today, I'd always thought the scene in Scrubs when JD passes out while pooping was hilarious, until it happened to me. I recently found out I have a heart defect that can cause me to pass out if my blood pressure rises, and yes, I did pass out on the toilet and woke up covered in my own shit. FML

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By mary - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous

Twister

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

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By Albert - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

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By awkwardRA

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

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By Tired Hungry Geek - United States

Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 14:01

Say sorry to Mr Whiskers!

Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home. It was late and I wanted to get home so I started speeding. I didn't wanna get a ticket so I slowed down everytime I saw a car that could be a cop, judging by headlights. There was a car with a busted headlight so I sped up. Couldn't be a cop car. It could. $216 proof. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 05:03

That he's a dumbass?

Today, I was told by my boyfriend of 12 years that he wants to break up. He wants to be free to follow his "MGTOW beliefs." I had to look up what it meant. What am I supposed to tell our 2 little boys? FML

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By sickatwokr - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML

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By fredo - United States - Ames

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By dead - United Kingdom

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

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By MrT

Today, I phoned my bank. The person wouldn't speak to me about my account as I "sound female" despite being a year 30-old-male. They had to get a supervisor and listen to recordings of past calls to believe me. This isn't the first time I've been mistaken for a girl on the phone. FML

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By ChubbyButt - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was at the doctor's for a regular check-up. When my appointment was over and I was about to walk out, she yelled across the room in front of everyone, "Oh and if you could lose some weight, that'd be great." FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

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By SwinginSolo - United States

Today, I found out that what my husband meant by "we should try swinging" is "I really want to have sex with this one friend of yours, and if you so much as make eye contact with any guy I'm going to totally flip out and threaten to kill him and you." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 17:01 - United States - Little River

Overdoing it

Today, two months after beginning a steamy text exchange with the man I’ve been in love with for 13 years, he told me that now when he thinks of me he feels "warm and fuzzy." In a panic, I responded sarcastically, “Primarily in the dick, right?” That shut everything down real quick. FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By Gemma - 7/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Kids are hard work

Today, I realised my boyfriend is only nice to my son to make me happy. Turns out he hates children and will only do the minimum interaction with my 4-year-old son he can get away with, until he can fabricate an excuse to leave the room. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

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By keyless - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

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By ohdamn - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

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By turriblebday - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

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Top comments

By rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

COMMENTS

By mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3787776 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:31

Pwned by an old woman, I see?

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787877 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:48

More like freaked out by a horny granny.

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3787986 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:19

Thumb up if u like tacos

Reply

isitinmybedroom | 11

#3788685 - Monday 26 December 2011 7:17

Thumb up if you like tacos

Reply

mrs_bruno_mars | 14

#3790972 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:21

It is close to the same thing, correct? Sorry, sometimes American idioms confuse me.

By sugarandspice33 | 0

#3787779 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Old people are always complaining...and that's because in "her day" she actually had teeth.

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#3787825 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:38

Back in her day she also had boobs that didn't sag to her stomach

Reply

EllyMo | 15

#3787841 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:40

Whats between a 70 year old woman's breasts that isn't between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

Her naval.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3788005 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:24

But if she was complaining about the amount of "stuffing" then why would she need teeth? Teeth hurt.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3788164 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

old people, you can count on them always being toothless and horny (in no specific order).

Reply

AlaskanEskimo34 | 0

#3788566 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

yea my grandma always complains about teens having sex and babies so young, but if they had a "16 and pregnant" back in the old days, she'd star in it.

Reply

lilpowers | 3

#3791034 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:59

Back in the old days if you weren't 16 and pregnant there was something wrong with you.

By soccerguy2 | 11

#3787786 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

you can't expect to be with your family and have no complaining.

By choshaki | 8

#3787788 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

It's normal, my moms not even that old and she still complains. Get over it OP

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787851 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

But does your mum make sexual remarks about the things she is complaining about?

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3790804 - Monday 26 December 2011 20:04

I can see an old skinny orange haired gramma smoking a cigarette making sexual remarks abouy stuffing. Not that hard to imagine

Reply

Brock13598 | 0

#3791167 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 0:34

What is OP?

Reply

golfer_boi | 10

#4458095 - Sunday 20 May 2012 5:19

Octagonal Penis clearly. Orangutan Pussy. Shall I continue?

Reply

trivel64 | 16

#5135604 - Saturday 10 November 2012 21:56

Outrageous Popcorn... don't listen to the other guy.

By FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3787789 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:34

What is your grandmother's comment supposed to mean? I don't get it...

Reply

AngrehPirate | 0

#3787835 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:39

Then you shouldn't be on here

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3787885 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:51

She was obviously talking about taxidermies.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3787932 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:03

Someone doesn't understand sexual innuendo...

Reply

wilbiepig_fml | 0

#3787936 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:04

She's talking about... sex. Seems obvious to me.

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#3787969 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:13

Sex. Cocks. Stuffing her pussy. Good old-fashioned fucking. Rodgering passionately. Shagging. Intercourse. Possibly buttsex, if she was into that. Screwing. Pushing the box. Knowing each other in the Biblical fashion. In and out. Banging, boinking, bumping uglies. Smiting evil. Hanky panky. Pokey-poke. Makin' whoopee. Knocking boots. The nasty. Romp in the hay. Nookie. Making the beast with two backs.

Am I making myself clear?

Reply

FMLsOhilarious | 6

#3788021 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:28

#26 I understand sexual innuendo just fine. I've just never heard it put that way before. Frankly comparing stuffing to sex is sickening to me...especially around the table with family whilst having Christmas dinner.

Reply

twinny_sc | 13

#3788076 - Monday 26 December 2011 2:38

38, Hence the FML.

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3788167 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:19

Hmm 33 I still didn't get the message.

Reply

blackstar994 | 5

#3788212 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:36

I'm with 48. A few more and I might.

Reply

Monkeybuttcream | 4

#3788603 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:34

Grandma, tell us the story about the time you took on 12 cocks and won!

Reply

elk21dbm | 18

#3792212 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:15

U win just for actually saying "making the beast with two backs." I've only ever heard it twice

By raphanne_fml | 33

#3787800 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

She is like Joey Tribbiani, we always know what they mean...

Reply

DayAndNite | 8

#3790976 - Monday 26 December 2011 22:24

Pretty good if you know what I mean.

By rcloca | 10

#3787807 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

Grandma still got some swag I see.

Reply

patnix | 6

#3788569 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:23

Grandmas will always have swag

Reply

desireev | 17

#3791648 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:38

I've heard of S&M.. But not S&S.. Swag and Sag... Yeeeeaah!!! :D

By flockz | 19

#3787816 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:36

"that time with your grandfather wow. talk about roasting his chestnuts in front of an open fire. sex on a bearskin rug is amazing just to let you know."

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#3787853 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:41

Roasting his chestnuts? Merry Christmas children, your grandma's a sadomasochist!

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788234 - Monday 26 December 2011 3:45

Flockz, put you're bear picture back :(

Reply

flockz | 19

#3788463 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:25

this one?

Reply

ananonymousguy | 0

#3788470 - Monday 26 December 2011 5:29

Whoaa wtf D: haha no, the derp one. You obviously don't have to, I just only know you with that picture :P

Reply

Glidefedt | 6

#3789423 - Monday 26 December 2011 11:36

It's much better when theres no teeth ;)

By desireev | 17

#3787821 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:37

Grandma... Gotta love her! :)

By SkoomaKi | 27

#3787861 - Monday 26 December 2011 1:42

Just tell her to go take a nap.

Reply

Branflakes78 | 13

#3788532 - Monday 26 December 2011 6:08

yea because that solves everything!! (not)