Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a... - FML

By Andy - 13/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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Work name

Dad jokes, part 43884

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By noworkformeplease - 9/3/2017 16:00

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

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By RachelVanLannen9 - 12/7/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML

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By Bratty son - 23/10/2012 04:25 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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By fabs1171 - 29/11/2012 05:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

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By Michael - 5/6/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 14:00

Eye-bleach please

Today, I have been having to work in a residence of people with disabilities when I normally do community work with disabled people and usually enjoy it. I have seen not one, but two elderly mens' genitals today when my actual job would never require me to see any. I didn’t sign up for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By Elis - 1/3/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

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By Mick - 20/2/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By oh - 23/2/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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By Carebeareatu - 13/3/2020 15:00

Keeping up appearances

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:56 - United States

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

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By wetboy - 5/7/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By shroomda - 29/6/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I called my Dad to wish him happy birthday. The phone was disconnected, so I called my sister to see what his cell was. She then informed me that our Dad was in jail for selling shrooms to teenagers at a music festival out of state. FML

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By PaneraSucks - 19/2/2014 06:24 - United States - Londonderry

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

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By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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By Loveless - 5/6/2011 12:23 - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - 10/7/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:35 - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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By Tigerlily - 3/5/2017 22:00

Today, my cat thanked me for buying her a new litterbox by peeing in all of my plants. FML

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By bertiebeth - 2/8/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

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By vlcardenx3 - 12/3/2011 21:11 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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By Chris - 13/2/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By Donezoo - 8/1/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

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By rejected - 6/10/2019 04:00 - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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By picaru - 21/6/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By chlorobitch551 - 5/11/2014 16:54 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

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By Fauxgeek - 28/6/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By sillymink - 20/8/2016 02:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

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By Katie - 30/6/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

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By danny - 10/10/2018 12:00

Today, while working at a chain restaurant, I forgot to charge someone a few dollars for extra toppings on the side. My stingy boss took the time to take that money out of my paycheck. FML

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By trafficfail - 1/6/2011 16:43

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

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Top comments

By XHerobrineX | 4

#4427576 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

..... It couldn't have gotten any worse :)

By ConnorBrown36 | 5

#4427597 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

That would really piss me off

Comments

By XHerobrineX | 4

#4427576 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

..... It couldn't have gotten any worse :)

Reply

iBanana | 17

#4427641 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:40

Oh, yes. It could have been far, far worse.

....Blue balls......

Reply

XHerobrineX | 4

#4427662 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:42

.....Touché

Reply

lonkite101 | 14

#4427854 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:26

It could've been raining...

Reply

TheresNoMoreTp | 4

#4427906 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:40

He could have tripped and landed on the table with all the drinks on it. Than peed himself.

Reply

italiancows | 8

#4428013 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

It could have been WAY worst than that... Trust me on this one... (sigh...)

Reply

iLickRainbows | 2

#4428015 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

Damn 35 you beat me to it. I was going to suggest the shameful act of pissing oneself.

Reply

loludunnomeee | 18

#4428129 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:41

47- I'm guessing for you, op could have tripped, peed themselves, and then got milked.

Reply

Truth_Nazi | 0

#4429032 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:05

Could've tripped and knocked himself out with the chair.

Reply

iBanana | 17

#4429146 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:41

Could've died aswell.

Reply

Jenna_Richards | 4

#4429304 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:31

Could have crapped himself too.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#4429364 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:50

He could have had to pee when he was babysitting...

Reply

kira_the_boss | 1

#4429505 - Sunday 13 May 2012 16:29

He could have also shit himself

Reply

dadli_fml | 9

#4430513 - Sunday 13 May 2012 21:39

The cops could have driven by mid-stream....

By mariah_2014 | 0

#4427578 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

Wow. Nice one.

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4428202 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:12

No need to be a douche..

Reply

1094568 | 1

#4428221 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:17

Omg a snake...

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4428230 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:19

Yep, my ball python.

Reply

Amethyst888 | 14

#4428885 - Sunday 13 May 2012 13:21

61- No one really asked, but cool snake anyways! :)

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4428945 - Sunday 13 May 2012 13:42

Least OP wasn't busted peeing in a cup at someone else's house!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4432262 - Monday 14 May 2012 6:21

Actually the only reason I mentioned what kind of snake was because someone say "Omg, it's a snake.." they deleted their comment and I look stupid.

By mizuki123 | 8

#4427584 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

Its ok it happens to the best of us. Sounds like something that would happen to my friend.

Reply

instnt1nfction | 16

#4427801 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:12

Right...friend, that's who..

Reply

guitarbeast | 22

#4428377 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:22

Does your friend happen to be named Cosmos Kramer?

Reply

mizuki123 | 8

#4431267 - Monday 14 May 2012 1:49

Nope

By mimi_animee | 18

#4427586 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

So you ended up peeing outside ? Couldn't you go back in to go to the bathroom ?

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#4427618 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:36

apparently OP's bladder had a different idea

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4427889 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:34

Or maybe he was ashamed to go back in and look for a bathroom.

Reply

Bekll | 30

#4428019 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

34, that's how I took it.

By twilightluver347 | 7

#4427588 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

Idiot... Wow nice one :-/ outside? Most people would march back in proud... No not really lol

Reply

b0ngs | 7

#4428001 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:14

Hrmph....reading your comment made me lose a fee brain cells.

Reply

TheBonzaiGirl | 0

#4428062 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:23

I just hate when I lose a fee brain cells :/

Reply

zingline89 | 18

#4428127 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:41

Why am I not surprised that your profile says Ke$ha and Snooki are your idols

Reply

1094568 | 1

#4428240 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:21

5- you are probably one of those chicks who think they are hot... If you think that way you are 100% wrong you sound like a stuck up bitch... Sorry I don't know any other better way to put this.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#4428413 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:52

....can't forget her username...

Reply

YacL | 15

#4428464 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:32

5 - Please don't speak again... or we're going to have a problem.

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4428508 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:53

55- why, you have a problem with him idolizing Ke$ha and Snookie, you clock face dumb shit.

Reply

YacL | 15

#4428534 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:06

75 - Him? Really?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4429112 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:32

78- she*. And stop the fuck for telling her not to speak again. She is a twilight lover, so she is cute.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4429266 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:19

MysticKnight - her* And "stop the fuck"? What??

Your thinly-veiled attempts at flirting with twilightluver by attacking her attackers has revealed your true imbecilic nature. Well done.

By lessthan0_fml | 5

#4427595 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

Don't trip(;

By ConnorBrown36 | 5

#4427597 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

That would really piss me off

By MikeMikeTheAzn | 3

#4427600 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:34

Oh the irony... Wait, there's none.

Reply

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4427756 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:00

Then why even say anything?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4427914 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:43

You don't say?

Reply

maniaccrab | 0

#4428080 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:29

The irony here is quite simple really, it's... *looks at commenter's picture* ...boobs... 0.0

Reply

igive | 28

#4428331 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:00

one is bigger than the other

Reply

Crystal55621 | 19

#4428343 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:07

Seriously, people? Stop staring at the boobs!

Reply

iCake | 13

#4428474 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:39

Why should we?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4428514 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:55

67- says the one who's pic shows man boobs

By TheGewt | 7

#4427608 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:35

At least you didn't piss yourself.

Reply

lindora | 31

#4428789 - Sunday 13 May 2012 12:44

But he did..

Reply

lindora | 31

#4428800 - Sunday 13 May 2012 12:47

Oh nvm, I just understood the fml. My bad.

By MrJustFriendz | 5

#4427612 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:35

Lol you still got to pee ;P