Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a... - FML

By Andy - 13/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Great guy

By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By I knew it! - 2/11/2018 17:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

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By frankkathy - 26/7/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

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By Unlucky - 25/7/2012 13:03 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 19:49 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By robinhoood - 12/7/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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By thoughtidseenitall - 2/2/2013 01:01 - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - 4/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By JohhnyKeroscene - 1/2/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

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By xtilltheendx - 5/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Thin walls

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 07:51 - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to call the Australian Passport office to track my passport. Turns out they lost it in the mail. A week ago, I got my dream job as a flight attendant. Without a passport they won't accept me. I lost my dream job before I even started it. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 01:28 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Dump Tump - 29/3/2019 22:00

Today, my flute broke. I have an exam coming tomorrow and all repair shops are closed. I guess I’ll have to lose £150. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 08:51 - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

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By ryjacs - 3/6/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my potential employers at the zoo, saying that they won't be hiring me. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't keep sending me the same email every two hours to remind me that I am still unemployed. FML

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By swervelol - 20/8/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By ouch - 12/7/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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By whorica139 - 2/9/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By Sam - 9/2/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

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By plzstop - 4/10/2016 11:03 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By Toothy - 2/4/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

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By uglyallover - 20/9/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By waj9876 - 9/9/2011 00:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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By paranoid - 6/6/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By Ginger - 3/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By Oldhouse - 22/7/2014 03:46 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2014 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

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By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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By poorchild - 23/11/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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Top comments

By XHerobrineX | 4

#4427576 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

..... It couldn't have gotten any worse :)

By ConnorBrown36 | 5

#4427597 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

That would really piss me off

COMMENTS

By XHerobrineX | 4

#4427576 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

..... It couldn't have gotten any worse :)

Reply

iBanana | 17

#4427641 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:40

Oh, yes. It could have been far, far worse.

....Blue balls......

Reply

XHerobrineX | 4

#4427662 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:42

.....Touché

Reply

lonkite101 | 14

#4427854 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:26

It could've been raining...

Reply

TheresNoMoreTp | 4

#4427906 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:40

He could have tripped and landed on the table with all the drinks on it. Than peed himself.

Reply

italiancows | 8

#4428013 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

It could have been WAY worst than that... Trust me on this one... (sigh...)

Reply

iLickRainbows | 2

#4428015 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

Damn 35 you beat me to it. I was going to suggest the shameful act of pissing oneself.

Reply

Truth_Nazi | 0

#4429032 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:05

Could've tripped and knocked himself out with the chair.

Reply

iBanana | 17

#4429146 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:41

Could've died aswell.

Reply

Jenna_Richards | 4

#4429304 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:31

Could have crapped himself too.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#4429364 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:50

He could have had to pee when he was babysitting...

Reply

kira_the_boss | 1

#4429505 - Sunday 13 May 2012 16:29

He could have also shit himself

Reply

dadli_fml | 9

#4430513 - Sunday 13 May 2012 21:39

The cops could have driven by mid-stream....

By mariah_2014 | 0

#4427578 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:31

Wow. Nice one.

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4428202 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:12

No need to be a douche..

Reply

1094568 | 1

#4428221 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:17

Omg a snake...

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4428230 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:19

Yep, my ball python.

Reply

Amethyst888 | 14

#4428885 - Sunday 13 May 2012 13:21

61- No one really asked, but cool snake anyways! :)

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4428945 - Sunday 13 May 2012 13:42

Least OP wasn't busted peeing in a cup at someone else's house!

Reply

Roevera | 14

#4432262 - Monday 14 May 2012 6:21

Actually the only reason I mentioned what kind of snake was because someone say "Omg, it's a snake.." they deleted their comment and I look stupid.

By mizuki123 | 8

#4427584 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

Its ok it happens to the best of us. Sounds like something that would happen to my friend.

Reply

instnt1nfction | 17

#4427801 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:12

Right...friend, that's who..

Reply

guitarbeast | 22

#4428377 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:22

Does your friend happen to be named Cosmos Kramer?

Reply

mizuki123 | 8

#4431267 - Monday 14 May 2012 1:49

Nope

By mimi_animee | 18

#4427586 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

So you ended up peeing outside ? Couldn't you go back in to go to the bathroom ?

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#4427618 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:36

apparently OP's bladder had a different idea

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4427889 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:34

Or maybe he was ashamed to go back in and look for a bathroom.

Reply

Bekll | 30

#4428019 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:16

34, that's how I took it.

By twilightluver347 | 7

#4427588 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:32

Idiot... Wow nice one :-/ outside? Most people would march back in proud... No not really lol

Reply

b0ngs | 7

#4428001 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:14

Hrmph....reading your comment made me lose a fee brain cells.

Reply

TheBonzaiGirl | 0

#4428062 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:23

I just hate when I lose a fee brain cells :/

Reply

zingline89 | 18

#4428127 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:41

Why am I not surprised that your profile says Ke$ha and Snooki are your idols

Reply

1094568 | 1

#4428240 - Sunday 13 May 2012 8:21

5- you are probably one of those chicks who think they are hot... If you think that way you are 100% wrong you sound like a stuck up bitch... Sorry I don't know any other better way to put this.

Reply

Epsilonyx | 15

#4428413 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:52

....can't forget her username...

Reply

YacL | 15

#4428464 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:32

5 - Please don't speak again... or we're going to have a problem.

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4428508 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:53

55- why, you have a problem with him idolizing Ke$ha and Snookie, you clock face dumb shit.

Reply

YacL | 15

#4428534 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:06

75 - Him? Really?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4429112 - Sunday 13 May 2012 14:32

78- she*. And stop the fuck for telling her not to speak again. She is a twilight lover, so she is cute.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4429266 - Sunday 13 May 2012 15:19

MysticKnight - her* And "stop the fuck"? What??

Your thinly-veiled attempts at flirting with twilightluver by attacking her attackers has revealed your true imbecilic nature. Well done.

By lessthan0_fml | 5

#4427595 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

Don't trip(;

By ConnorBrown36 | 5

#4427597 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:33

That would really piss me off

By MikeMikeTheAzn | 3

#4427600 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:34

Oh the irony... Wait, there's none.

Reply

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4427756 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:00

Then why even say anything?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4427914 - Sunday 13 May 2012 6:43

You don't say?

Reply

maniaccrab | 0

#4428080 - Sunday 13 May 2012 7:29

The irony here is quite simple really, it's... *looks at commenter's picture* ...boobs... 0.0

Reply

igive | 28

#4428331 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:00

one is bigger than the other

Reply

Crystal55621 | 19

#4428343 - Sunday 13 May 2012 9:07

Seriously, people? Stop staring at the boobs!

Reply

iCake | 13

#4428474 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:39

Why should we?

Reply

MysticKnight | 3

#4428514 - Sunday 13 May 2012 10:55

67- says the one who's pic shows man boobs

By TheGewt | 7

#4427608 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:35

At least you didn't piss yourself.

Reply

lindora | 35

#4428789 - Sunday 13 May 2012 12:44

But he did..

Reply

lindora | 35

#4428800 - Sunday 13 May 2012 12:47

Oh nvm, I just understood the fml. My bad.

By MrJustFriendz | 5

#4427612 - Sunday 13 May 2012 5:35

Lol you still got to pee ;P