Work: Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 37

09/06/2013 23:33

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 410

You deserved it 9 107

Work

Leave us alone

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Phantom pooper

28/07/2011 05:39

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 378

You deserved it 16 929

Wait til she finds out about seatbelts!

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 05:00

Today, I hate the government for starting talking about vaccine passports and mandating the Covid-19 vaccine, because I almost had my wife convinced to go get it, and now she's all, "I'm not doing something they are telling me I have to do. I'm not a sheep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 295

14/06/2013 21:21

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 319

You deserved it 7 590

11/08/2013 17:24

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 498

You deserved it 6 751

12/07/2011 17:25

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 641

You deserved it 57 073

11/04/2011 03:26

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 227

You deserved it 8 239

11/10/2016 07:52

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 907

You deserved it 1 342

07/09/2012 00:49

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 387

You deserved it 21 311

08/05/2015 16:59

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 155

You deserved it 42 239

05/10/2011 04:16

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 245

You deserved it 7 513

Lrn 2 Read

By in love with a nerd - 02/09/2019 15:01

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 461

You deserved it 232

05/03/2009 20:12

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, and made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informs me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 647

You deserved it 15 921

02/12/2016 04:44

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 488

You deserved it 919

Sad and lonely

By yikes78 - 31/05/2009 13:04

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 719

You deserved it 10 478

02/03/2016 20:46

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 959

You deserved it 1 517

Nice try

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 934

You deserved it 3 778

06/09/2016 17:02

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 442

You deserved it 1 315

26/09/2009 06:32

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 212

You deserved it 75 389

11/03/2010 14:28

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 3 465

13/09/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 1 355

12/04/2015 18:29

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 073

You deserved it 2 913

25/02/2011 20:37

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 126

You deserved it 4 410

The Phoebe Technique

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 02:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of five years has been cheating on me with other women from all the hickeys and scratch marks he has. But to top it off, he's slowly been moving out for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 207

Checks out

By Asirual - 02/05/2011 18:02

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 362

You deserved it 13 140

Jim Henson lives

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 17:55

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 353

You deserved it 5 102

17/11/2008 05:04

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 031

You deserved it 11 552

Hope springs eternal

By Work Life Imbalance - 17/02/2021 22:59

Today, I started working my third job, on top of a full time job and a casual job. Why? My partner got sacked from her job, because she did nothing while working from home. She will look for a job "when the economy improves and we hit peak vaccination." Vaccinations don’t start in my country for another 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 132

18/09/2009 06:17

Today, I took my 5 year-old son to the barber shop. When the man finishes with him, I tell the guy, "while we're here, I might as well get a trim too." My son then exclaims very loudly in front of a very full barber's shop, "Dad! You don't need a haircut, you need hair!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 860

You deserved it 6 663

11/04/2011 17:36

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 648

You deserved it 4 847

10/07/2012 23:10

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 657

You deserved it 6 413

05/03/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 3 015

15/04/2011 19:51

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 810

You deserved it 52 840

01/06/2011 16:05

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 618

You deserved it 47 991

24/07/2010 17:47

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 166

You deserved it 20 920

02/11/2011 14:43

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 361

You deserved it 3 251

19/10/2010 19:40

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 028

You deserved it 2 740

14/01/2013 03:36

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the 5-second rule doesn't apply if you drop the floss into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 305

You deserved it 3 130

30/08/2019 22:00

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 2 538

20/04/2009 10:05

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 061

You deserved it 19 686

Great start

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 06:00

Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 564

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

ironichalibut 24

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:14

At least you're all alive though, although it sounds like most will wish they weren't in the morning

GemmaStyles 14

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:14

Hey on the bright side you won't be the one with the hangover in the morning

Comments

ironichalibut 24

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:14

At least you're all alive though, although it sounds like most will wish they weren't in the morning

jerzjay 17

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 10:04

I live for those hangovers in the morning, means I had a successful night.

GemmaStyles 14

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:14

Hey on the bright side you won't be the one with the hangover in the morning

alyssawatters 7

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:16

Lesson learned: never volunteer to be the Designated Driver.

CharresBarkrey 15

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:45

DD's usually get free soda at most bars, too! It's not all bad.

twaumat 28

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:16

that's not how you make friends...

Mr_Satan 11

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:17

Next time tell them if they have enough money to drink, they have enough to pay for a cab.

demonwolfmaster 26

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 19:27

Or, be smart and not use your own car. It's the first rule of DD never use your own car.

chabelo 10

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:18

well if you wanted to make a good impression there are some other ways that don't involve taking care of drunk people

dead_insects 18

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:20

seems like they left an impression of their own...

baseballdude1283 18

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:20

Always a good story atleast :P

Drifting 21

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:21

I hate when good intentions fail...sorry OP

SirTalkaton 22

Send a private message

Monday 10 June 2013 9:24

Oh the joys of being the DD. Sorry OP, now you know not to do that again.