Love: Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response:... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 85

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 112

26/04/2015 08:19

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 170

You deserved it 3 717

BO Central

Our house, in the middle of our street

Own it

19/05/2013 23:07

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 088

You deserved it 5 950

29/10/2012 07:55

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 640

You deserved it 5 182

Involuntary

By hannahthedino - 20/07/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, my friend spent the night. I now know that she masturbates in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 112

01/10/2010 01:55

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 751

You deserved it 4 406

12/04/2013 00:59

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 207

You deserved it 9 680

16/07/2009 00:17

Today, I took my road test. I'd never had driver's training and my mom taught me how to drive. I failed the test so badly, and when I got home my mom admitted to having taught me how to drive completely wrong because she didn't want me to get my license as she thinks I'm too young. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 784

You deserved it 4 533

19/09/2017 23:45

Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 102

You deserved it 486

12/01/2009 09:37

Today, my 5 year-old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked, "Mum, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 850

You deserved it 3 464

08/08/2012 13:53

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 397

You deserved it 3 705

14/12/2013 12:00

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 702

You deserved it 7 300

15/11/2013 03:08

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 015

You deserved it 4 804

04/04/2013 02:51

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 600

You deserved it 2 766

21/05/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 682

You deserved it 414

27/06/2013 16:58

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 104

You deserved it 3 361

03/11/2015 18:13

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 430

You deserved it 1 776

28/03/2011 23:27

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 427

You deserved it 31 661

24/09/2011 23:32

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 241

You deserved it 7 195

The high road

By Stephy - 22/07/2021 11:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Trying to be the bigger person, I told him, "Your loss, not mine." He responded with, "I didn’t lose anything really. You let yourself go. Have you looked in the mirror lately?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 845

29/07/2009 23:49

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 123

You deserved it 62 062

Gambled and lost

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 10:59

Today, I found out that my mom found a paper with my long lost username and password to an old crypto wallet with 17 bitcoins. She'd thrown it in the garbage bin before realising what it was. The bin was empty when I went running to check it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 218

03/01/2014 21:04

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 140

You deserved it 13 396

12/06/2019 04:15

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 273

You deserved it 121

Sounds healthy

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 10:00

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 132

02/04/2009 23:12

Spicy

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 266 853

You deserved it 28 457

03/02/2010 17:58

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 671

You deserved it 3 023

06/01/2013 08:49

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 423

You deserved it 5 244

25/04/2016 20:14

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 810

You deserved it 1 117

Science has gone too far

By Amanda - 15/09/2021 13:00

Today, I went in for a full hysterectomy due to medical issues. I came out being 6 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 133

19/01/2014 23:38

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 782

You deserved it 8 098

18/07/2019 04:00

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 151

Last trip

By cap - 09/12/2019 01:00

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 283

22/07/2013 07:09

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 440

You deserved it 8 796

08/03/2010 22:40

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 100

You deserved it 6 840

21/07/2014 22:49

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 509

You deserved it 5 867

01/03/2009 18:37

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 782

You deserved it 2 573

03/04/2009 05:23

Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 058

You deserved it 7 572

08/11/2010 06:07

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 759

You deserved it 32 212

16/03/2009 01:09

Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 966

You deserved it 6 115

14/08/2019 06:00

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 106

28/06/2009 18:44

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 383

You deserved it 49 653

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Top comments

nonsensical 26

Monday 27 April 2015 0:30

"Not if I eat them first!!" Yeah, no, that'd be weird nevermind.

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:24

That is not nice, your better off without him

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 27 April 2015 0:24

That is not nice, your better off without him

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:33

You're

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Monday 27 April 2015 1:06

Or he could be better off. For all we know OP could have a terrible personality, or some other negative situation we're not aware of. Have to see both sides sometimes.

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Monday 27 April 2015 1:10

Even if OP didn't have the greatest personality, he could've simply told her no. He didn't have to be an asshole about it...

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Monday 27 April 2015 5:11

The one sure thing is that OP has a very strange type of Dream Man.

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:24

Sounds like a lucky escape OP

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

bon appetite?

flyingmind_fml 17

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Monday 27 April 2015 1:42

i'll have the pleasure to cook them for u asshole !!

nityasomaiya 46

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Monday 27 April 2015 8:34

Ask him if he'd prefer it with salt or pepper.

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Dodged a bullet there OP! If he insults people like that without even giving them a try then you don't need to be with him

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:35

More like dodged a ballsack

renouttaluck 20

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

Wow that is an extreme response OP. I would consider it a lucky break that the psycho said no.

fantasyworld 37

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

I think you dodged a bullet there.

MrsHaxxo 22

Monday 27 April 2015 0:28

I think you dodged a bullet there..

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:29

There's millions of other opportunities out there, chin up.

nonsensical 26

Monday 27 April 2015 0:30

"Not if I eat them first!!" Yeah, no, that'd be weird nevermind.

Send a private message

Monday 27 April 2015 2:41

I'd tell you to marry me for that comment, but you could be a 40 year old horny stalker who will try to find out where I live.

shemademedoit 20

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Monday 27 April 2015 7:54

so can you buddy. so can you

nonsensical 26

Monday 27 April 2015 10:25

If you marry me you'll have to accept me for who I am ♥

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:31

Sorry O.P he doesn't deserve you.

garrettcreek16 6

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Thursday 30 April 2015 3:58

What is op