Love: Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive,...

By ThroatSlasher - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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Love

Commando

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

It's not a phase!

By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By PizzaPants - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By Random dog owner

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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By OutOfMyMind - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

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By MrsGrinch

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:00

He got game

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By myennechee - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By melons - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, the massive bogey that had been dangling precariously from my manager's nose for half an hour finally detached itself. Into my coffee. FML

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By soembarassed - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Movie going

Today, a man kept talking and laughing like an idiot all through the movie I was watching. I thought he was high, so I called him a moron and told him to shut the hell up. It turned out he wasn't high. He was just "special". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Zoom off

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

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By Respect101 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

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By ... - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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By thedullard - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

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By unfortunategeek - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

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By shakinmahbuttbutt - United States

Today, it's been two weeks since my parents went crazy with their attempts to save on the water bill. Every time I want to take a shower, I have to ask them first. Let's just say I've had to resort to taking sponge baths in public bathrooms to keep my B.O. under control. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By Rollymouth - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By jocksblow - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

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By Binkplugged

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

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By Akestarr - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

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By ApparentlyIFail - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

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By well_f_u_too

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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2970

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By me - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

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By notcountry!

Today, even though my mom’s only ever been to the south once, she’s completely obsessed with talking with a bad, overly exaggerated southern accent. Not to mention constantly prattling off random nonsensical country phrases. We’re from and still live in California, nowhere near any country. FML

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By blehhx - United States

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

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By Grossed out

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

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By scared for life - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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Top comments

By StargazeKitsune | 18

#6384365 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Just be glad people like that show their true colors right away instead of down the road. He saved you a lot of wasted time by making an ass of himself early on. You'll find better. :)

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6384348 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

You are better off without a douchebag like that!

COMMENTS

By cheezter | 15

#6384342 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:24

Well then it must be true, at least he didn't say ugly. You can't see boring in a pic lol

tantanpanda | 26

#6384444 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 8:56

What he said was mean, but not hard to understand.

Korpz13 | 16

#6387102 - Thursday 20 August 2015 21:14

? lol

By ALegitOreo | 11

#6384346 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:25

You deserve better than that
D-Bag

HarshD9619 | 34

#6384384 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:45

He should be scared for his life considering OP's username

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6384348 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

You are better off without a douchebag like that!

By Dynamite73 | 25

#6384351 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

Banana

By johnny29 | 14

#6384359 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:30

at least now you know what kind of personality he has.
it's better that you didn't go out with him. a relation started bad would have been bad and end bad

By cmac86 | 23

#6384362 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:30

ouch. you deserve much better. but it's better to know he's an asshole now rather than later.

stingray112 | 24

#6384823 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 18:49

Nobody fucking knows if OP Deserves better

By opiate_ape | 10

#6384364 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:31

Dick move on his part. Are you though?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6384796 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 18:15

This is a relevant question.

RedDelirium | 14

#6385596 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 10:24

Maybe his comment can be taken as constructive criticism?

By StargazeKitsune | 18

#6384365 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Just be glad people like that show their true colors right away instead of down the road. He saved you a lot of wasted time by making an ass of himself early on. You'll find better. :)

By MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6384366 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Well, guess you got your dreams and nightmares confused op. Glad you didn't get caught up with him before finding out he's a douche though. You deserve better.

By Anthonymm2 | 20

#6384368 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

People aren't always what they seem.