Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive,...

By ThroatSlasher - 17/8/2015 19:20 - United Kingdom - Grimsby

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with "Hah, just kidding. You're fuckin' BORING!" FML

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Love

Understandable

Out of it

Tidy your room

By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 07:29 - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2014 21:41 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

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By pain - 1/11/2011 14:52 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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By fmylife - 26/8/2010 10:09 - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

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By bet a woman would've been thanked - 7/5/2013 20:21 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

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By bitchsawmebuyit - 8/12/2012 17:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

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By Julie is in pain - 6/7/2012 17:11 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - 25/8/2015 22:38 - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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By Brody89 - 9/4/2014 18:40 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By Alicia - 21/1/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By jag talar - 7/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By BreechInEducation - 27/11/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 00:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 20:00

The Graduate

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

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By JuniorDetective - 7/5/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

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By IamHM - 24/10/2015 18:04 - United States

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

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By scarlett666 - 5/6/2009 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - 9/9/2011 04:10 - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By nuerrotticc - 6/1/2011 08:58

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 20:01 - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 15:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By snowinggrey - 19/2/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2016 03:44 - United States - Arcadia

Today, my grandma saw me putting some mints in my mouth when she walked by my room. Instead of confronting me, she told my dad I was doing drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I decided to give blood for the second time. I felt excrutiating pain when she stuck the needle in my arm. Another nurse came running over in a panic. Apparently my inexperienced nurse had put it in my tendon instead of my vein. FML

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By NiHao - 28/9/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

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By Demetria - 20/8/2012 22:02 - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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By oooooops - 23/3/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By Ballhugger - 6/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2012 19:24 - Germany

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

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By fuckadaisical - 6/12/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 21:19 - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

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By cold-n-stinky - 12/1/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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By tramrider - 7/3/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By kittyjoe - 8/8/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By Nyxilia - 7/12/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Edgware

The best cat

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

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Top comments

By StargazeKitsune | 18

#6384365 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Just be glad people like that show their true colors right away instead of down the road. He saved you a lot of wasted time by making an ass of himself early on. You'll find better. :)

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6384348 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

You are better off without a douchebag like that!

COMMENTS

By cheezter | 15

#6384342 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:24

Well then it must be true, at least he didn't say ugly. You can't see boring in a pic lol

tantanpanda | 26

#6384444 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 8:56

What he said was mean, but not hard to understand.

Korpz13 | 16

#6387102 - Thursday 20 August 2015 21:14

? lol

By ALegitOreo | 11

#6384346 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:25

You deserve better than that
D-Bag

HarshD9619 | 34

#6384384 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:45

He should be scared for his life considering OP's username

By Matheo_fml | 21

#6384348 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

You are better off without a douchebag like that!

By Dynamite73 | 25

#6384351 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:26

Banana

By johnny29 | 14

#6384359 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:30

at least now you know what kind of personality he has.
it's better that you didn't go out with him. a relation started bad would have been bad and end bad

By cmac86 | 23

#6384362 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:30

ouch. you deserve much better. but it's better to know he's an asshole now rather than later.

stingray112 | 24

#6384823 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 18:49

Nobody fucking knows if OP Deserves better

By opiate_ape | 10

#6384364 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:31

Dick move on his part. Are you though?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6384796 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 18:15

This is a relevant question.

RedDelirium | 14

#6385596 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 10:24

Maybe his comment can be taken as constructive criticism?

By StargazeKitsune | 18

#6384365 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Just be glad people like that show their true colors right away instead of down the road. He saved you a lot of wasted time by making an ass of himself early on. You'll find better. :)

By MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6384366 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

Well, guess you got your dreams and nightmares confused op. Glad you didn't get caught up with him before finding out he's a douche though. You deserve better.

By Anthonymm2 | 20

#6384368 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 7:32

People aren't always what they seem.