Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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Instadrama

Fairytale ending

You snooze, you lose

By jons - 17/2/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

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By B - 31/1/2012 20:36 - Netherlands

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

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By Jennie - 16/6/2020 08:08

Scribble your name across my heart…

Today, I sent a guy in my English class a rose. He's kind of an outcast, so I though it would be a nice gesture. I asked him later how his day was going and he said, "Good. I got a rose this morning, but I could tell it was from a guy. The handwriting was awful." FML

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By Fmylife - 6/7/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 00:26 - United States - Daphne

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2018 15:00

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

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By Miki13 - 11/11/2012 20:27 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2012 19:54 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone, so I started singing to my cat. After a half hour of this, I finally stopped. Then I heard applauding. I turned around to find my parents standing in my doorway. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 07:02 - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - 8/4/2016 02:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By mcds2 - 18/3/2013 08:28 - United States

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

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By usadisvet - 2/4/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

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By so bored -__- - 25/2/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

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By anonymous - 9/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML

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By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 23:01 - United States - Bristol

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By oops - 31/3/2015 01:52 - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By no booze, no boyfriend - 4/6/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2018 19:00

Today, I started a new job at a glass shop and my boss asked me to vacuum. I ended up tipping over and shattering the most expensive bong in the shop, which retailed at $3,000. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 26/6/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up on the floor with my feet still in the bed. I had passed out while vomiting into a bucket, since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bucket had spilled all over my bed. FML

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By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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By Blurry - 30/9/2009 19:30 - Philippines

Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML

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By anonymous - 28/5/2013 00:56 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

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By manutdlol - 13/12/2009 06:15 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

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By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By LetsMakeLove - 10/6/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By familyhatesme - 18/7/2014 16:30 - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

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By idonteven - 12/8/2013 20:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

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By shit - 14/12/2010 09:26 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

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By raerae - 24/4/2009 07:25 - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

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Top comments

By Alittleghosty | 3

#6137618 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:55

I guess you could say you left her breathless

By Joshwarrior | 38

#6137617 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:54

At least it was a yes, if it was a no you'd feel even worse :/ hope she gets better soon and it works out.

COMMENTS

By Joshwarrior | 38

#6137617 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:54

At least it was a yes, if it was a no you'd feel even worse :/ hope she gets better soon and it works out.

Reply

zBLAKEz | 23

#6137651 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:12

And quite an excited yes. This is probably a weird way of looking at it, but I think it would be a big compliment if somebody got so excited they had an asthma attack when you asked them out.

Reply

Miss_Chevious | 37

#6137695 - Sunday 7 December 2014 10:19

"I wasn't trying to kill her, I just left her a little breathless...."

Reply

Ironmayhem | 22

#6137979 - Sunday 7 December 2014 19:43

Thats my fetish...

Reply

fortune789 | 17

#6138061 - Sunday 7 December 2014 21:18

This is like a nerdy version of Romeo and Juliet...

Reply

brivielle | 15

#6138815 - Monday 8 December 2014 11:45

in sickness and in health??

By Alittleghosty | 3

#6137618 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:55

I guess you could say you left her breathless

Reply

quickit | 24

#6137870 - Sunday 7 December 2014 17:26

OP is a lady killer! Taking her breath away and all. (:

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6138044 - Sunday 7 December 2014 20:55

My avatar.

...enough said.

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6138470 - Monday 8 December 2014 3:41

YEAAAAAAAA

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6138565 - Monday 8 December 2014 5:12

#2 my name.
...enough said.

By Xelthen | 10

#6137620 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:56

I'm happy for you! But that also sucks.. You know what they say, kill them with love.

Reply

DaltonHaze | 12

#6137669 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:29

I never thought you could take this phrase so... literally.

By chloewj | 15

#6137621 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:57

Depending on how old you and her are you can simply ignore the parents

Reply

SeriousJoker72 | 18

#6137650 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

igive | 28

#6137690 - Sunday 7 December 2014 10:06

Mine did. Met him when I was a teen, now we're married.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6137732 - Sunday 7 December 2014 12:23

I think it was just a knee jerk reaction on her parents behalf. After she recovers, I'm sure they will calm down and probably allow her to see you, OP. Most parents wouldn't forbid something or someone that makes their child happy.

By drizzy11 | 18

#6137622 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:57

i guess you took her breath away

Reply

Ch_rae5 | 19

#6137931 - Sunday 7 December 2014 19:25

I feel like that would be both terrifying and slightly traumatic, yet very complementing...

Reply

theinsidiousgeek | 9

#6138638 - Monday 8 December 2014 6:49

YEEEEAAAAAAAH!!!! *puts glasses on*

By Sebastian2022 | 22

#6137633 - Sunday 7 December 2014 8:59

If it's the girls of your dreams, have a talk to her parents, and thoroughly explain your intimate and personal feelings and genuine care for her. If you demonstrate that you're not another "guy", they will appreciate that and hopefully change their mind.

Reply

AnalAssassin1 | 14

#6137754 - Sunday 7 December 2014 14:15

It's not up to the parents to decide. It's a free society for a reason.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6137990 - Sunday 7 December 2014 19:49

36, that depends on how old you are. You're only as free as your parents let you be (within reason) until you're independent.

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6138658 - Monday 8 December 2014 7:11

Well maybe he shouldn't explain his intimate feelings of her to her parents. ;)

By Lazy_B_ | 11

#6137634 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:00

At least you found out she likes you back that's still better than never telling her how you feel.

By felipe2342 | 18

#6137635 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:01

I hit YDI by accident, you really should be able to undo this.

Reply

kerstileann | 26

#6137660 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:20

you should but its too technical and the mods are too sadistic.

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6137639 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:03

Your charm was just breathe taking.

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#6137643 - Sunday 7 December 2014 9:07

At least it was a yes! :D I am so excited for you! Her parents will realize you had no ill intentions for their daughter, then you two can be happy! Yay!