Animals: Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat....

By mikep - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

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Animals

Family values

Misheard

And probably giggling

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

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By MacBook - United States

Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML

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By thatswhatsup66 - United States - Greer

Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML

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By sharibaby - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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By Pk45 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

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By Kmcc

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

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By LynnJ - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

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By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

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By byegeorge - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Unionville

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

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By Baby Bethy - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

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By scotto - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

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By cdick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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5543

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 05:05

Almost there

Today, I paid 100$ for a trash service to pick up my broken couch. Minutes later, I got an email from someone finally replying to my ad for a free couch. FML

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By acw2110 - United States

Today, I woke up after having had sex with my 4-year crush expecting to find him in bed next to me. Instead, I found my cell phone with a text message from him that said "you should really do something about the pimples on your ass." FML

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By therealkathl - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

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By slcbabii23 - United States

Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By Bad Mommy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By MikeA

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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44940

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By theuglyfriend - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

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By Facepalm2020 - 21/6/2020 23:01

Sips unsee juice

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

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By Molly - United States

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

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By SarahNB - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

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40981

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By BambooLove - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

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22968

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By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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By can’t nerd right - 4/8/2020 02:02

Insane parents

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

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By lordtimbit - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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Top comments

By TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392465 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:28

Umm okay? You just made every girl who read this that ways 125 or over feel fat. Thanks.

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#142221 - Saturday 25 April 2009 18:52

Guess you and the cat have some room for improvement.

COMMENTS

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#142221 - Saturday 25 April 2009 18:52

Guess you and the cat have some room for improvement.

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943669 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:42

It's very simple OP: Don't be fat and you wouldn't have people saying that to you all the time.

hellokittywhore | 0

#996440 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:27

at least she didn't say, your worrying about the wrong pussy getting fat!! lol jkk

By hawaiintropic88 | 0

#221965 - Saturday 23 May 2009 3:44

That's like me. I have gained so much weight from not working out. I weigh like 125 now D:

TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392465 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:28

Umm okay? You just made every girl who read this that ways 125 or over feel fat. Thanks.

crzysk8r | 0

#4027864 - Monday 13 February 2012 5:46

20- I now love you your amazing

By edobean | 0

#261982 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 22:31

#2 how tall r u??

By aquarius6 | 0

#320303 - Friday 19 June 2009 13:23

Ok mom... What's ur point?

By scooter32 | 0

#332566 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 7:28

haha

By alexvb10 | 0

#356791 - Wednesday 1 July 2009 4:56

Pretty harsh for a mom. But still funny :)

By whizzkidd99 | 0

#400396 - Thursday 16 July 2009 5:07

shut the fuck up fatass and quit putting stupid shit FMLs

By OP_here | 0

#545486 - Monday 7 September 2009 10:55

"...it's the fish"

HamsteronA | 0

#857951 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:40

excatly why I thought!!!

By Emperor_Jim | 0

#619873 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 21:10

YDI for being fat.

TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392469 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:29

Ahahaha jerk.

By WWJC | 0

#887705 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 5:42

how can u not know for urself that ur overweight!? oh n #5, kill urself