Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat....

By mikep - 2/2/2009 03:22 - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27221

You deserved it

5560

Favorite

Animals

Healthy relationship

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Gas giant

By Lulu - 17/9/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37491

You deserved it

3231

Favorite

By great - 10/2/2012 21:33 - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10495

You deserved it

74459

Favorite

By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54690

You deserved it

28321

Favorite

By superfkd - 15/3/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42830

You deserved it

70123

Favorite

By Dumbblonde - 3/5/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park so we did. When we were walking back, I was caring her on my back. When were almost at the door, she told me she had to go pee. I told her to hold it. As we were walking in the door I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46468

You deserved it

16814

Favorite

By oncehipjr - 3/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48234

You deserved it

4507

Favorite

By Simon - 30/12/2009 11:14 - France

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6124

You deserved it

53301

Favorite

By uvagirl - 5/7/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41144

You deserved it

3788

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 08:57 - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39485

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

By Username - 9/3/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44956

You deserved it

6176

Favorite

By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23994

You deserved it

5113

Favorite

By divorce? i think so - 21/7/2012 02:12 - Canada - Markham

Today, I found my husband's journal, and along with it the real reason he took so long to show up to our wedding rehearsals last year. According to the journal, it was because he was too busy wooing a married mother of five and sticking his "slut-banger all up in that fat booty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34148

You deserved it

3272

Favorite

By turdtonomor9 - 12/5/2013 14:08 - United States

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64721

You deserved it

9373

Favorite

By miss Suzanne - 14/9/2010 21:46 - United States

Today, I got a brand new couch. My husband told me to keep our puppy off of it so we could keep it nice. She jumped on it, and as I picked her up to put her back on the floor, her claws dragged across it and ripped 2 of the cushions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26377

You deserved it

9560

Favorite

By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/8/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34039

You deserved it

2355

Favorite

By ._. - 5/6/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

92535

You deserved it

8817

Favorite

By Venus - 13/3/2014 22:28 - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32168

You deserved it

12487

Favorite

By Grant - 11/1/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36645

You deserved it

3080

Favorite

By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/2/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29900

You deserved it

4897

Favorite

By AHole - 21/11/2012 14:03 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10794

You deserved it

75435

Favorite

By anon - 23/3/2015 02:24 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34204

You deserved it

2901

Favorite

By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

971

You deserved it

491

Favorite

By BagBoy - 13/11/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43685

You deserved it

3021

Favorite

By daniel55 - 18/2/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39273

You deserved it

5843

Favorite

By bride - 14/2/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52902

You deserved it

10037

Favorite

By mraow123 - 30/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53251

You deserved it

4636

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41284

You deserved it

19209

Favorite

By she sure has an arm. - 28/2/2013 11:57 - United States - Clinton

Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34559

You deserved it

2581

Favorite

By boner - 1/2/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36566

You deserved it

6147

Favorite

By naughtyshirt - 22/8/2009 09:29 - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39726

You deserved it

4476

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5824

You deserved it

1670

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/2/2016 09:25 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19847

You deserved it

1414

Favorite

By fr1day - 21/1/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I catch the train and I am forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumps off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumps on so I shuffle over so she can sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train i notice my pants are wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29936

You deserved it

2233

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55661

You deserved it

2919

Favorite

By tacolove69 - 16/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18665

You deserved it

3333

Favorite

By fmlalways - 22/1/2011 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56562

You deserved it

5107

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66117

You deserved it

13119

Favorite

By PaperInfection - 23/11/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32178

You deserved it

5667

Favorite

By NooOOooOO - 11/10/2017 23:15

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2932

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By edgyasfuck23 - 13/5/2016 17:09 - United States - Blairsville

Today, I was hiking with my uncle. We were going down a slope, and I kept slipping. He jokingly pushed me just as we approached a big drop. I ended up with three fractured ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15499

You deserved it

988

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392465 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:28

Umm okay? You just made every girl who read this that ways 125 or over feel fat. Thanks.

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#142221 - Saturday 25 April 2009 18:52

Guess you and the cat have some room for improvement.

COMMENTS

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#142221 - Saturday 25 April 2009 18:52

Guess you and the cat have some room for improvement.

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943669 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:42

It's very simple OP: Don't be fat and you wouldn't have people saying that to you all the time.

hellokittywhore | 0

#996440 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:27

at least she didn't say, your worrying about the wrong pussy getting fat!! lol jkk

By hawaiintropic88 | 0

#221965 - Saturday 23 May 2009 3:44

That's like me. I have gained so much weight from not working out. I weigh like 125 now D:

TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392465 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:28

Umm okay? You just made every girl who read this that ways 125 or over feel fat. Thanks.

crzysk8r | 0

#4027864 - Monday 13 February 2012 5:46

20- I now love you your amazing

By edobean | 0

#261982 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 22:31

#2 how tall r u??

By aquarius6 | 0

#320303 - Friday 19 June 2009 13:23

Ok mom... What's ur point?

By scooter32 | 0

#332566 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 7:28

haha

By alexvb10 | 0

#356791 - Wednesday 1 July 2009 4:56

Pretty harsh for a mom. But still funny :)

By whizzkidd99 | 0

#400396 - Thursday 16 July 2009 5:07

shut the fuck up fatass and quit putting stupid shit FMLs

By OP_here | 0

#545486 - Monday 7 September 2009 10:55

"...it's the fish"

HamsteronA | 0

#857951 - Monday 15 February 2010 13:40

excatly why I thought!!!

By Emperor_Jim | 0

#619873 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 21:10

YDI for being fat.

TheCurlyTheory | 0

#3392469 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 22:29

Ahahaha jerk.

By WWJC | 0

#887705 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 5:42

how can u not know for urself that ur overweight!? oh n #5, kill urself