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By Anonymous - / Sunday 19 January 2014 22:59 / United States - Dallas
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Asking for his blessing would be respecting his view. Asking for permission makes it sound like his daughter's choice isn't really hers, which is where the "tradition" came from. Back when women really DIDN'T have that choice.

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ask for his blessing, not permission. I mean, if he says no, its not like ur going to break off ur relationship. ur still gonna get married. and if you ask for his permission be prepared for him to say no. if he doesn't give you his blessing, its not like it really matters.

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Maybe things are different here (UK), but it's really gone out of fashion here amongst people I know, because it has nothing to do with parents. If her dad thinks it's too reminiscent of property giving and sexist, your girlfriend likely does too, you'd surely know that if you knew her well enough to be marrying her.

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100, you know it's funny because I thought my parents would be like that since they are traditional Hispanics. I'm not married yet but the same applies to when the guy wants to be your bf in my culture. Well at least for a lot of my friends, their boyfriends had to ask the dad for permission. Me on the other hand am far from being "traditional" and just told my parents, "I have bf and I like him a lot. So there..". . I guess if it was marriage though it WOULD be different. I don't know.

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@207, you're misunderstanding. It isn't that he isn't going to ask his girlfriend if she wants to marry him. He would propose. He's just asking for permission, it's an old fashioned thing that most people are raised to feel obligated to do out of respect. It wasn't like he was asking her father to just give her to him and never ask her. He asked permission to ask her and to marry her. Like getting his blessing

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That advice meshes pretty well with the dad's point, actually. The charade of asking her father's "permission" is just that: a charade, an irrelevant throwback to a time when women were property and marriage was a financial/political alliance. Asking the parents' feelings, asking for their blessing... these things can be charming and respectful. Asking for permission isn't respectful to the father (especially when you intend to go through with proposing either way), it's just disrespectful to the intended bride.

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Actually 49, asking permission from the father usually (slightly) involves the mother as well. If the father gives permission then you are less likely to get the in-laws from hell scenario. My brother asked permission from his now wife's father and now both our families get along, since neither side sees it as a wrongful occasion.

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My daughter is my girl. She's only 4 now, but I've loved her, protected her, and been her hero her whole life. Some day when a man wants to take that position over, I would consider it a sign of great maturity for him to ask for my blessing.

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Dad’s recommendation to grow up can be seen as an invitation to marry his daughter without his prior approval. OP should go ahead, grow up, propose to his girlfriend (if he didn’t already do that) and marry her. It would be a sad day if he gets discouraged by his future father in law.

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Nothing is creepier than a guy who sees marriage as the act of one man taking over another's role in a woman's life. Brings whole new meaning to the phrase "Who's your Daddy now?"

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See, you see your daughter as weak and in need of a man to protect her and watch over her. This isn't the 1950s. She will be a woman of her own will one day and she won't necessarily need a man in her life. And she can choose who she wants if that is what she wants - you have no bearing on that. She is not property, but a person.

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No, I see a relationship as one person caring for another regardless of gender. Perhaps you don't understand this, which is unfortunate. If any man wants to see my daughter, he will ask for my blessing. Having the blessing of the father of the girl he claims to love SHOULD be important to him, if he really loves her.

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I hope your daughter will grow up to be strong and independent and not need any hero or anyone to protect her but her own self. She might disagree with you on need your blessing to date a guy especially when shes 18+. I love my father to death, even more so since I dont really have my mom and he's still never had an opinion on who I could and couldn't date once i left the neest. He hassaid that he raised me to make good decisions so any guy I picked and loved was good enough for him (he gets along great with my s/o anyways)

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#50... I HOPE youre joking. OP asking the father for her hand is a sign of respect. -_- nothing wrong with him doing that. That isn't a rookie mistake at all.

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It's seen as respecting her fathers opinion, not allowing him to sign his daughters life away. She would OBVIOUSLY still have the final say, but not to ask her dad is disrespectful imo

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That was not the reason. Most likely he just did not like you, or he did not like you. After all, you would influence his doughter about the choice of the nursing home. That tells me that maybe you came across as a scrooge.

By  razi1

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That was the entire reason he said it. Asking a father for their daughter's hand in marriage was seen as a sort of property transaction, the father called OP out on it.

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I think asking for permission is one of the most respectful gestures someone can make towards their boyfriend's/girlfriend's family. My boyfriend actually asked my father for permission to date me, and my dad still brings it up with a smile and an approving pat on the back.

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I knew I would be thumbed down for that. I was just wondering why people ask for permission to marry, since it's not custom here, at least in my family. Thanks for a bit of insight.

You should have known her dad better that he thought quaint traditions are really terribly sexist. You're probably going to have to go halvsies on the wedding, bro!

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You know what else has been "tradition"? Women not having the vote. I'm not saying what OP did was tantamount to denying women's suffrage, but "tradition" is not a reason in and of itself to keep a practice alive. Many terrible, unjust practices have been preserved much longer than they ought because of this weak, lazy reasoning.

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119 - While I think asking for parents' blessing is fine, I hate your sexist logic. What the hell "he protected her since childhood, now her husband does"?! She's a fully grown woman. She can look after herself and doesn't need OP to be her bloody caretaker. It'll probably be the other way around.

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No, the dad is completely right (although I do think he way overreacted). Asking permission comes from the days when women WERE property, and it was the father's choice to say yes or no. I think it says a lot about our society that we still consider it normal and okay to ask a father's permission, even if it is only a formality. It shows that under the surface we still accept the idea of women not being real people and belonging to men, and that needs to change. It would be a lot more respectful to ask for BOTH parents' blessing than to ask the father's permission.

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He's not buying her off off her father. People need to realize the word "permission" shouldn't be taken so literally. He most likely asked for his blessing and personally I think that's something that needs to happen when getting married, as a woman myself. Everybody thinks differently and people aren't going to agree on everything so I think we all just need to sit down

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And no it doesn't show that society still undermines women, it's the polite thing to do. I would go to his parents because my parents love me just as his parents love him, it has nothing to do with sexism, you're making it out to be an issue

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