Love: Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't...

By beckbr - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18063

You deserved it

29301

Favorite

Love

Commando

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Our House

By ShampooThief - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30592

You deserved it

2998

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1219

You deserved it

4064

Favorite

By SingleWorker - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36049

You deserved it

2754

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15944

You deserved it

140045

Favorite

By booyouwhoree - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

50752

You deserved it

18336

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36834

You deserved it

2414

Favorite

By you'vegotmail(not) - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36301

You deserved it

3703

Favorite

By bob - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36335

You deserved it

2598

Favorite

By iliketurtles - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63186

You deserved it

7719

Favorite

By TheJuggla17 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29019

You deserved it

2605

Favorite

By Pirated booty - 11/5/2021 04:01

Movie worthy

Today, after I found gold coins a few years ago, nothing newsworthy but enough to pay off my parents' mortgage, some landowning douche, who is already a millionaire, is now claiming the lake where I found the coins is his, and is suing me for the coins' full value. If I lose in court, my parents may have to sell their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

674

You deserved it

Favorite

By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56403

You deserved it

6924

Favorite

By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17039

You deserved it

1510

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26897

You deserved it

3529

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I threatened to break up with my boyfriend over the Trolley Games in Toontown Rewritten for trying to sabotage my scores. We're 24 and 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks

526

You deserved it

1573

Favorite

By pathetic - Canada

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13039

You deserved it

59226

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

104414

You deserved it

45062

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11955

You deserved it

30485

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27577

You deserved it

1614

Favorite

By seamonkeys - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55230

You deserved it

13043

Favorite

By Enrique - 29/4/2021 23:01

That's quite a gamble, sir

Today, I called off my engagement because I fell in love with my best friend of 10 years since we recently reconnected. I confessed my feelings to her and asked her out. She rejected me and said she only sees me as a friend. Now I’m completely single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

201

You deserved it

2359

Favorite

By marisacb - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32220

You deserved it

7691

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34633

You deserved it

4530

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51177

You deserved it

7387

Favorite

By anonymous neighbor - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26695

You deserved it

6579

Favorite

By humiliated - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28830

You deserved it

4336

Favorite

By SierraCheyenne - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2004

You deserved it

508

Favorite

By aishyaslife89 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28838

You deserved it

2492

Favorite

By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43803

You deserved it

4410

Favorite

By badluckantonio - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27949

You deserved it

3009

Favorite

By Starving Ultimatum - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32833

You deserved it

3113

Favorite

By Sal - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29266

You deserved it

2477

Favorite

By ninalian - United States

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47076

You deserved it

4490

Favorite

I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2342

You deserved it

456

Favorite

By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42243

You deserved it

7146

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43041

You deserved it

22810

Favorite

By Rizzle - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14688

You deserved it

45020

Favorite

By ajodasdojsad - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31912

You deserved it

3882

Favorite

By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38468

You deserved it

17524

Favorite

By ohsosad - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14067

You deserved it

26569

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By wukong_fml | 0

#8259 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:52

"Well, look on the bright side. Your enemies must all be dead too!"

By AliSama | 17

#5469 - Sunday 22 February 2009 21:15

Then stand up and be her new friend.

COMMENTS

By AliSama | 17

#5469 - Sunday 22 February 2009 21:15

Then stand up and be her new friend.

By wukong_fml | 0

#8259 - Friday 27 February 2009 2:52

"Well, look on the bright side. Your enemies must all be dead too!"

tencalories | 3

#2594335 - Tuesday 31 May 2011 18:41

dominance

By carlos_oac | 0

#21080 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:04

Agreed with #7.

jenna_rae | 0

#2480538 - Monday 9 May 2011 5:19

u ARE # 7

mariahjoomeh | 0

#2888699 - Thursday 14 July 2011 8:06

I think that's the point..

By luvvs2drawanime | 0

#33311 - Sunday 15 March 2009 22:43

oh my god, that's so sad. D:
well THAT must've been exceedingly awkward xD

By onluckiest | 0

#34057 - Monday 16 March 2009 5:05

it happens, at least she didnt sound offended.

By Dimaranien | 1

#44684 - Friday 20 March 2009 9:27

awwwww. poor lady!

By Emmett_Luver_101 | 0

#82280 - Saturday 4 April 2009 20:00

lol i would be like
ooh
....
NEXT IN LINE PLEASE lol

By TheUnnamedOne | 0

#99474 - Friday 10 April 2009 18:21

more like "F her life" =(

By xxtylerrxx | 2

#116888 - Thursday 16 April 2009 22:26

aww thats sad
you should be her new friend

By Root123 | 0

#141743 - Saturday 25 April 2009 13:20

She knows where the graveyard be at.