Miscellaneous: Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime,... - FML

By I didn't though - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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Out of it

On the ball

Uninvolved

By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

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By uthinkucandraw - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

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By well then... - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Eisenhorn - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

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By Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow - United States - Newton

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By kfoehslfns - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

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By StinkyandStupid - United States

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

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By notmuchfun - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

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By Baikal - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By DeathPopStar666

Today, my grandma calls me, accusing me of theft. I was home all day and watching Orange Is The New Black. When I asked what I stole, she said her car keys. I don’t even have my license. I told her to look in her purse. She found them. FML

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By MY CAR - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By Unreality - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By blaise - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

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By chickennbenchpress - Canada

Today, I was on my third date with a really hot girl. A guy walked by singing the Pokémon theme song. She started making fun of the guy, mocking his immaturity. I joined in order to keep the conversation going. Everything was going great but then my phone rang. It was the Pokémon theme song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

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By Ex-Employee - United States

Today, my boss fired me for causing a "commotion" at work while running the vacuum. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By Whoops - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By ...

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to give blood for the second time. I felt excrutiating pain when she stuck the needle in my arm. Another nurse came running over in a panic. Apparently my inexperienced nurse had put it in my tendon instead of my vein. FML

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By homeless - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

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By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By Shortcake - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML

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By Pelly - Belgium - Kasterlee

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

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By dieold - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

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Top comments

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6406838 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:42

He was facing the wall, in bed, while he listened to someone grunting behind him. I get the feeling he may have been the one spanking the monkey.

By bwoolf96 | 21

#6406831 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

What a wanker.

COMMENTS

By bwoolf96 | 21

#6406831 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

What a wanker.

By jakers8424 | 18

#6406835 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

How many did you do

Reply

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6406929 - Thursday 10 September 2015 17:24

Exactly 9.3 push-ups.

Reply

Roskie | 16

#6406947 - Thursday 10 September 2015 17:51

All of them.

Reply

ErikSenpai | 3

#6407507 - Friday 11 September 2015 7:44

I'm crying

By earlytermination | 34

#6406837 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:41

Lol that guy sounds lame. Sorry OP.

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6406838 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:42

He was facing the wall, in bed, while he listened to someone grunting behind him. I get the feeling he may have been the one spanking the monkey.

By Perplexed_Aris | 16

#6406840 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:44

I'm sure you can clear things out with him, right? Plus, I'd imagine there'd be more than just grunting noises if OP was really sacking his chum..

By vikky538 | 28

#6406841 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:44

Can't be undone now!

By rainbowsRlove | 15

#6406842 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:45

haha next time do jumping jacks no confusion there....at least not from my experiences lol

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6407415 - Friday 11 September 2015 5:12

Think about the sounds. Grunting and slapping skin...

Reply

BrutalEater | 15

#6407496 - Friday 11 September 2015 7:28

That made me laugh and face palm xD

By ChunkyBuiscuit | 13

#6406848 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:49

Mistaking push-ups for beating it? That person has a lot to learn

By grimboots | 3

#6406864 - Thursday 10 September 2015 15:02

You may be doing push ups wrong!

Reply

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6406951 - Thursday 10 September 2015 18:04

No, I think his room mate is masturbating wrong.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6406866 - Thursday 10 September 2015 15:09

Just tell everyone the truth. It's your word against his...
Also does anyone else think this FML could be worded better? With 'the guy' starting 2 sentences in a row.

Reply

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6407125 - Thursday 10 September 2015 21:05

How about no...

Reply

DeltaDragonxx | 20

#6407401 - Friday 11 September 2015 4:44

by by that logic No one would ever be charged with murder.