Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime,... - FML

By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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Out of it

Capitalism kills

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

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By cheaters_should_die - 18/12/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By fart - 27/11/2014 15:13 - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

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By Anunimos - 19/4/2015 13:08 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

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By Ldp56 - 25/2/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

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By baller12 - 3/2/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 min. early only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat sat down and unpacked. FML

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By troubled - 4/11/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I had an appointment with a psychotherapist. I was feeling very depressed and was telling her how I felt no one cared about me. Her phone rang and she left me mid-sentence to take a call about her new BMW. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2011 20:42 - United States

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - 6/7/2009 20:08 - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

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By That guy - 8/8/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By tnh - 17/11/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

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By Sheggie - 30/1/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:24 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I was babysitting my friend's 12-year-old son while his dad was having an emergency procedure at the hospital. I walked into the den to see if he wanted to go out to dinner, only to find him watching Pornhub on my iPad. FML

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By pon-3 - 22/6/2012 21:13 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time. Their justification for giving me up for adoption was that I wasn't conceived at the ideal time for them. Apparently, the ideal time was six months after the adoption, when they conceived the first of my two brothers. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 04:00 - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2013 00:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2009 04:35 - Australia

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

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By Sapphire Mills - 28/11/2018 13:30

Today, it's my 2-year wedding anniversary. It also marks 2 years since my wife told me, "We're married now we don't need to have sex anymore." FML

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By hjkashld - 24/4/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

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By Dino - 21/10/2018 14:00

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

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By Tanya - 30/5/2019 11:26

Today, I found shit smeared into the carpet and I wasn’t sure who to blame, the dog, the newborn baby or the 60-year-old alcoholic mother-in-law whose husband had finally thrown her out. I did eventually find her passed out drunk in my flower bed with shit all down her legs though. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 00:10 - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 06:41 - United States - Centralia

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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By seriouslysinglenomingle - 6/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - 23/9/2015 17:09 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By jonchavez - 29/5/2014 23:46 - United States - Trenton

Today, a girl asked me out on a date to some hot springs, about 2 hours away. After a mile hike, the springs were finally in sight. She then slipped and cut her shin open. I had carry her the mile back and drive her the 2 hours to the ER, where her parents, whom I'd never met, were waiting. FML

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By LynnJ - 6/2/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By WTF Mom - 21/5/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML

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By baebookboo - 4/8/2014 15:08 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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By HighasaCloud - 30/4/2012 16:01 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

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Top comments

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6406838 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:42

He was facing the wall, in bed, while he listened to someone grunting behind him. I get the feeling he may have been the one spanking the monkey.

By bwoolf96 | 21

#6406831 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

What a wanker.

COMMENTS

By bwoolf96 | 21

#6406831 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

What a wanker.

By jakers8424 | 18

#6406835 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:37

How many did you do

Reply

RenoTheRhino | 30

#6406929 - Thursday 10 September 2015 17:24

Exactly 9.3 push-ups.

Reply

Roskie | 16

#6406947 - Thursday 10 September 2015 17:51

All of them.

Reply

ErikSenpai | 3

#6407507 - Friday 11 September 2015 7:44

I'm crying

By earlytermination | 34

#6406837 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:41

Lol that guy sounds lame. Sorry OP.

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6406838 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:42

He was facing the wall, in bed, while he listened to someone grunting behind him. I get the feeling he may have been the one spanking the monkey.

By Perplexed_Aris | 16

#6406840 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:44

I'm sure you can clear things out with him, right? Plus, I'd imagine there'd be more than just grunting noises if OP was really sacking his chum..

By vikky538 | 28

#6406841 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:44

Can't be undone now!

By rainbowsRlove | 15

#6406842 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:45

haha next time do jumping jacks no confusion there....at least not from my experiences lol

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6407415 - Friday 11 September 2015 5:12

Think about the sounds. Grunting and slapping skin...

Reply

BrutalEater | 15

#6407496 - Friday 11 September 2015 7:28

That made me laugh and face palm xD

By ChunkyBuiscuit | 13

#6406848 - Thursday 10 September 2015 14:49

Mistaking push-ups for beating it? That person has a lot to learn

By grimboots | 3

#6406864 - Thursday 10 September 2015 15:02

You may be doing push ups wrong!

Reply

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6406951 - Thursday 10 September 2015 18:04

No, I think his room mate is masturbating wrong.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6406866 - Thursday 10 September 2015 15:09

Just tell everyone the truth. It's your word against his...
Also does anyone else think this FML could be worded better? With 'the guy' starting 2 sentences in a row.

Reply

ProfessorMctitie | 20

#6407125 - Thursday 10 September 2015 21:05

How about no...

Reply

DeltaDragonxx | 20

#6407401 - Friday 11 September 2015 4:44

by by that logic No one would ever be charged with murder.