Intimacy: Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite... - FML

By dating a manchild - 01/06/2012 23:50 - Denmark - Hellerup

Spicy

Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 740

You deserved it 7 322

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Walk the line

Time to lay down the law

By Laloose - 26/12/2008 07:53 - France

Spicy

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 968

You deserved it 28 119

By ambulancedriver - 12/09/2009 18:35 - Poland

Today, I was on the job as an ambulance driver, I got a call about a man who claimed he'd had a heart attack. When I got to the house, it turned out the man was fine. I did however manage to hit a dog on the way there in fear of the man dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 329

You deserved it 5 450

Through the wall

By Jeynna - 08/05/2021 00:01

Today, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She said, "Not for nothing, but I heard you fighting with your boyfriend last night, you're pretty harsh on him." I don't have a boyfriend, I was just drunk and castigating myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 723

By tiredInMD - 12/07/2017 18:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 2 068

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 297

You deserved it 1 693

By NOIDIDNOT - 19/11/2012 06:21 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 859

You deserved it 2 938

By Ms. Heartless - 16/12/2011 00:37 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 519

You deserved it 13 434

By Anonymous - 09/05/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 790

You deserved it 6 292

By ypsitucky - 26/07/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 598

You deserved it 3 011

By jelrid - 13/07/2016 04:38 - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 862

You deserved it 3 911

By barman - 17/07/2010 20:51 - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 655

You deserved it 5 321

By yegworstdrivers - 20/12/2018 10:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 634

You deserved it 172

By crucets - 06/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 164

You deserved it 57 235

By suze44 - 13/06/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 744

You deserved it 5 264

By rejected - 29/01/2010 14:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 595

You deserved it 4 929

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 18:11 - Latvia - Riga

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 628

You deserved it 2 680

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 23:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 696

You deserved it 4 862

By bw9669 - 28/01/2010 19:35 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 664

You deserved it 5 085

By WhoLikesPie - 25/07/2015 15:51 - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 2 081

By pop_rox - 30/01/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 258

You deserved it 28 536

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 745

You deserved it 17 050

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 292

You deserved it 1 802

By Dumbass - 20/06/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 603

You deserved it 3 706

By Noname - 08/02/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 849

You deserved it 2 149

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 659

You deserved it 14 046

Not a biology major

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 192

By Silverfeathery - 02/12/2014 02:06

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 737

You deserved it 3 717

By in_side_out - 14/01/2010 11:26 - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 405

You deserved it 2 863

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 379

You deserved it 4 545

By smyp - 27/05/2015 22:27 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 710

You deserved it 2 276

Makes sense

By lovegame - 28/06/2014 15:48 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 883

You deserved it 26 826

By Shodan2112 - 18/02/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 971

You deserved it 9 609

By anon - 16/03/2015 04:10 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 676

You deserved it 2 569

By Anonymous - 28/01/2013 21:18 - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 185

You deserved it 2 146

By beablue18 - 04/07/2011 00:27 - Germany

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 685

You deserved it 2 978

By j_portal - 26/10/2014 03:47 - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 787

You deserved it 5 523

Do it then

By Anonymous - 14/08/2009 01:59 - United States

Today, while I was working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed, "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 263

You deserved it 3 482

By ADH2000 - 09/03/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 788

You deserved it 47 055

By Anonymous - 05/04/2014 14:27 - United States - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 431

You deserved it 7 322

By Timeless - 24/02/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said "You should know already". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 179

You deserved it 55 787

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Top comments

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:51

Well? Didn't you want some? Why are you playing those love games?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:57

Say " After you eat my pussy"

Comments

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:51

Well? Didn't you want some? Why are you playing those love games?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

What a gent!

melikeyturtles 3

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:54

Dick is always good with some dessert.

melikeyturtles 3

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:54

Dick is always good with some dessert.

hthelittleone 10

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:58

Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? Haha maybe she had a little too much of the Funk.

treschanna510 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:29

Well, your boyfriend sounds like quite the classy fellow!

BulldogHoops 14

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:32

That man is a go-getter.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:33

Atleast he was being modest and saying what's on his mind. Props for trying.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:40

You know you wanted it anyways. Heck, you got it I'm sure. Why else for the scented candles??

Ch0sen 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:15

I somehow first read it as "want some dick in the ear?"

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Saturday 2 June 2012 21:49

IM OLD GREGGG

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Saturday 2 June 2012 22:20

So? Why so uptight?

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Sunday 3 June 2012 0:02

Ha ha, I'm old Grrreeeeegggg!

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Sunday 3 June 2012 4:14

Wait so that's not how you end a romantic night properly?

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Monday 4 June 2012 16:17

Fresh flowers, scented candles, romantic dinner? Yeah, sounds like you were giving him what you wanted from him, and he returned the favour.

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Monday 11 June 2012 21:54

Do you love me You playing those love games With me

22cute 17

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Thursday 21 June 2012 13:10

56 - do you know the meaning of modest? Look it up; you're using it wrong.

22cute 17

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Thursday 21 June 2012 13:13

148 - actually that's the only reasonable explanation I've seen here. Still, it wasn't the time. Follow through with her way once before you jump to your way.

marigoldcobain 21

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Tuesday 23 June 2015 17:01

148, there are plenty of ways to seduce your girlfriend. Whispering "Want some dick?" into her ear is not a very functional one

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:52

What did u expect?

TheLoneWandererX 2

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

The Dick?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:02

That is what I was thinking. The guy is going to want sex after all that to finish off the romantic evening

OhDearBetrayal 25

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:25

23- It's not romantic when someone is that blunt about it.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:36

A dick in a box.

nofearjenshere 12

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:11

It's my dick in a box!

wildsweetchild 19

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:14

a dick but in romantic fashion.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:16

A romantic diner then a instance night, seems right.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 23:27

@#48, yes, yes it is.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 5:55

48 True he could've said it better but she still should have expected something like that.

22cute 17

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Thursday 21 June 2012 13:00

She expected to have sex, you morons. But she was carefully creating a romantic mood. His comment blows the mood big time. Some guys think a girl will be seduced by him saying, "I've got a hard on!". Women are just not that simple minded. Well, with the exception of you #101

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

I hope you said yes because it sounds like he was serious.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:54

lmao so hes blunt...?

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:11

Blunt can be better. But really OP you Gould have known he would want sex. Romantic evenings normally mean "let's have sex to finish it off." otherwise there is no point.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:27

There is a point! A Romantic evening can be bonding time. It doesn't have to lead to sex

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:38

32 so basically there is no point in any romantic doing unless you are getting some. Girl-"Look at those beautiful earrings!" Boy-"Hey they are beautiful. How about we go over to my place and you get the dick before you get the earrings?"

Drigr 9

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:54

Fresh flowers and scented candles..?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:55

Where was the violinist?

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Sunday 3 June 2012 0:11

I initially read this as his favorite meal being fresh flowers and scented candles...

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Monday 4 June 2012 20:49

Yea, I was thinking she was dating a horse.

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Friday 15 November 2013 13:07

Reading 150 caused me to visualize a horse whispering (want some dick) to op during a candle lit dinner.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:55

This is where you and I differ. I would've said "Hell yeah!" :P

melikeyturtles 3

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:01

After a romantic dinner, it would have eventually led to the bedroom.

melikeyturtles 3

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:01

After a romantic dinner, it would have eventually led to the bedroom.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:02

OP should've said "I've got one" and pointed to him.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:55

Well the night would eventually lead to you know what, so your boyfriend was thinking ahead..what a way to take the initiative

whennotlooking 0

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:55

I'm not sure how to respond to this... It's just, he killed the mood sure, but is this really an FML?

SavingRyansPvts 4

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:56

The man was trying to get everything he possibly could out of your feeling of kindness!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:42

Maybe he meant some Dick Tracy. Nothing like a nice mystery!

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:56

Yeah, you wanted some dick.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 65