Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 03:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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Caught red-handed

Assumptions

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 25/3/2014 03:29 - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By hipprep83 - 20/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 06:24 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

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By Ugh - 14/6/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

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By Boner Ben - 8/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

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By Blood on my hands - 7/8/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2010 06:22

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 15/9/2011 21:46 - Canada

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

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By Eric Jurgensen - 10/6/2020 17:03

Used

Today, I found out my now ex-girlfriend had only moved in to spite her mother, not because she loved me. Five months of falling in love, just to find out I was just being used to get back at her mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By Notthemaid - 30/9/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML

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By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By tbanana95 - 4/11/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

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By Autocorrected - 4/3/2012 05:02 - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

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By hkbaer - 27/9/2019 22:00 - United States

Nice try

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

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By Topher - 25/8/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

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By 3lavyaa - 7/10/2009 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By mothapuka - 26/12/2009 09:10 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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By mushroomtop - 23/9/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By nojob - 7/5/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

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By anonymous - 11/2/2011 09:54

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

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By disturbedgd - 3/4/2017 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By PerfectVision - 11/9/2014 06:49 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By Ulysse - 7/11/2008 15:33 - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day at a new job, my boss asked how old I was. I replied, "Eighteen." She responded that she was my age thirty years ago, which makes her the same age as my mum. When I told her, she gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated myself. She was my age thirteen years ago, not thirty. FML

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By deeenalynn - 18/7/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By LadyGrey - 27/1/2015 11:45

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By shades - 9/1/2012 03:43 - United Kingdom

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

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By Secondyearcollegekid - 3/10/2018 15:30

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

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By nano123 - 17/4/2020 08:00

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up in a puddle of blood after 7 hours of sleep. Before going to bed, I had inserted a tampon that should've kept me dry for at least 8 hours. Apparently it doesn't work well if sleepy me forgets to take the top part of the plastic wrapping off. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

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By erin - 4/2/2010 14:51 - France

Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML

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By Username - 4/10/2010 05:48 - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

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Top comments

By Awsemogreeb | 19

#5240032 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Now get to work on the other things.

By Harpy20 | 24

#5240034 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Well now you can fix it all.

Comments

By Awsemogreeb | 19

#5240032 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Now get to work on the other things.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5240228 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 10:12

Like how OP says "Oh my gravy" at everything.

Reply

MrsAlexander83 | 10

#5241529 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 19:57

Loved your response!!! Fabulous!

Reply

Firuzzy | 10

#5241819 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 21:50

23- Wrong FML, The two anonymous people are not the same,

By Harpy20 | 24

#5240034 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Well now you can fix it all.

By Screwie | 25

#5240037 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:59

Use that coffee in there to clean your toothbrush while you're taking care of your teeth, it will probably make everyone happy as long as they don't find out.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5240124 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:32

What the fuck?

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#5240184 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:57

Coffee to clean a toothbrush .. You know , I'm pretty sure people brush their teeth to clean and get rid of coffee/other food stains.. Rinsing a toothbrush in coffee, probably not the brightest idea. :/

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#5241212 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 18:45

I think they were saying for OP to clean his toothbrush in their coffee.

By goldfishgod | 20

#5240039 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:00

I tell you, officemates can be fucking bitches.

Reply

savage93 | 11

#5240111 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:27

Unless its like the show The Office, they have a good time at there work lol.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5240220 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 10:10

Honestly, OP should have better personal hygiene if working with other people. Their coworkers shouldn't have to be subjected to dealing with that.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5240272 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 11:01

OP has some hygiene problems that need to be addressed.

Reply

Lant | 6

#5240857 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 15:48

I cant stand when im workig with someone and they smell like garbage it reallymakes it hard to respect them

By vbmg152 | 18

#5240049 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:04

Looks like you need to work on your hygiene! Take a shower & brush your teeth!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5242501 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 23:59

Some people can't help it and suffer from chronic bad breath. Remember that Tyra Banks show episode?? Lol

By Achall91 | 17

#5240062 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:08

Atleast now you've got something else to do. Buy a toothbrush, minty toothpaste, and some mouthwash. Seriously.

By CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5240071 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:13

The truth hurts? Nah! Screw em OP. Just go sighing your breathe in their faces :>

Reply

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5240094 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:18

Breath* ): Gah fail.

By twinkiefeets | 17

#5240075 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:13

Op you might want to step up your personal grooming.

By Brenda37 | 13

#5240087 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:16

I bet a moment of awkward silence ensued after you told them the actual problem you fixed... How uncomfortable. Well anyways OP, now you know what areas you need to work on so make a better effort to be more hygienic.

By annie_nk | 22

#5240090 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:17

Although what your coworkers said was harsh, you kinda set yourself up for that one.