Work: Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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Family values

Rock, hard place

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

By Softball - United States - Lansdale

Today, I guest-played as a catcher for a new fastpitch softball team. After the first couple of innings, the batter fouled a ball back into my catcher's mask. As a concussion test, the coach asked me what her name was. I decided to fake the concussion rather than admit that I'd forgotten her name. FML

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By mudafkrmas - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

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By poorchild - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By jcedarholm - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

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By Hungrey - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

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By Darth Spasticus - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By kira - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

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By Clumsy & Forgetful - Canada

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blue Earth

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

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By dtmfa - United States

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

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By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By imscrewed - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By blank - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By footfood - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By georgiahick

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By Desiree_lianne - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

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By DarkPhoenix - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, while giving a lecture on gender equality in the workplace, a woman yelled from the back, asking me why I'm not out starting a war somewhere. I stopped talking and tried to pinpoint her in the crowd, which she took as a sign to snort and call me a pussy. Nobody would back me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got my yearbook for senior year in high school. I started what everyone does, which is count how many times I appear in the yearbook. I stopped when I found a prominent photo of me, picking my nose in class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

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By Anon. - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

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By Grand Slam - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By CPD - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

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By bandit99999 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

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By rhcp007 - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, I went to drop my little brother off at the nursery. As I walked in, a boy punched me in the dick and ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

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By hi Mum - United States - North Charleston

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

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By IHateMyLife - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I received a compliment for the first time from a girl. She told me she admires my courage to go out in public since most ugly people don't like to. FML

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By sandyseashells10 - United States

Today, I went to the waterpark and my kids were fighting so I grounded them both. We concluded the day by boogey boarding on a mechanical wave. There was so much water I didn't realize my boobs had completely fallen out of my bikini. As revenge, my kids didn't tell me. FML

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By Lauren Davies

Paper-thin walls

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

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By thisreallyhappened - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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Top comments

By Awsemogreeb | 19

#5240032 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Now get to work on the other things.

By Harpy20 | 24

#5240034 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Well now you can fix it all.

COMMENTS

By Awsemogreeb | 19

#5240032 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Now get to work on the other things.

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5240228 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 10:12

Like how OP says "Oh my gravy" at everything.

Reply

MrsAlexander83 | 10

#5241529 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 19:57

Loved your response!!! Fabulous!

Reply

Firuzzy | 10

#5241819 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 21:50

23- Wrong FML, The two anonymous people are not the same,

By Harpy20 | 24

#5240034 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:58

Well now you can fix it all.

By Screwie | 25

#5240037 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 8:59

Use that coffee in there to clean your toothbrush while you're taking care of your teeth, it will probably make everyone happy as long as they don't find out.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5240124 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:32

What the fuck?

Reply

cameron194 | 9

#5240184 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:57

Coffee to clean a toothbrush .. You know , I'm pretty sure people brush their teeth to clean and get rid of coffee/other food stains.. Rinsing a toothbrush in coffee, probably not the brightest idea. :/

Reply

spazz666 | 18

#5241212 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 18:45

I think they were saying for OP to clean his toothbrush in their coffee.

By goldfishgod | 20

#5240039 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:00

I tell you, officemates can be fucking bitches.

Reply

savage93 | 11

#5240111 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:27

Unless its like the show The Office, they have a good time at there work lol.

Reply

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5240220 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 10:10

Honestly, OP should have better personal hygiene if working with other people. Their coworkers shouldn't have to be subjected to dealing with that.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5240272 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 11:01

OP has some hygiene problems that need to be addressed.

Reply

Lant | 6

#5240857 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 15:48

I cant stand when im workig with someone and they smell like garbage it reallymakes it hard to respect them

By vbmg152 | 18

#5240049 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:04

Looks like you need to work on your hygiene! Take a shower & brush your teeth!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5242501 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 23:59

Some people can't help it and suffer from chronic bad breath. Remember that Tyra Banks show episode?? Lol

By Achall91 | 17

#5240062 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:08

Atleast now you've got something else to do. Buy a toothbrush, minty toothpaste, and some mouthwash. Seriously.

By CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5240071 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:13

The truth hurts? Nah! Screw em OP. Just go sighing your breathe in their faces :>

Reply

CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5240094 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:18

Breath* ): Gah fail.

By twinkiefeets | 17

#5240075 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:13

Op you might want to step up your personal grooming.

By Brenda37 | 13

#5240087 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:16

I bet a moment of awkward silence ensued after you told them the actual problem you fixed... How uncomfortable. Well anyways OP, now you know what areas you need to work on so make a better effort to be more hygienic.

By annie_nk | 22

#5240090 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 9:17

Although what your coworkers said was harsh, you kinda set yourself up for that one.