Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be...

By Happyunlucky - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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Kids

Bad boys, bad boys…

On yer bike

Trans women are women

By Username - France

Today, my mum suggested that I should take self-defense lessons just in case I ever get attacked. Jokingly, I said, "As long as I walk under street lamps, no one is going to touch me." She replied, "Well, you never know, they might mistake you for someone good looking." FML

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By DaddysGirl - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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By Musicfreak - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

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By doctorsandnurses - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

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By Eh.. - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

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By Stilljobless - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

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By Anonynonynon - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By misc - Australia

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

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By StratMan - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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By :| - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By BluBaller - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

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By cosmonaut - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

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By tootles - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By stranded - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By kggggg - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I noticed her brother had a bit of an accent. I laughingly said "Is it me or does your little brother have an accent?" She stared and replied with "No, he has autism." FML

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By aaaa

Today, while helping a child through a tantrum, I was kicked and my hand broke. The bone is completely in half and fixing it will require plates, screws, and surgery along with months of recovery. Another day on the job. FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By Already Broke Asf - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my 19-year-old brother broke into my dorm and robbed me. When I tried to file a report, my brother went to my parents and told them that he took it because I owed him money on a bet. Guess who lost $92.50. FML

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By joanne - United States

Today, I found a video of a school play I starred in years ago. I was ecstatic, because it's really the only memento of my childhood I have left. Unfortunately, it started with my grandpa groaning, "Ahh shit," and degenerated into him muttering over the audio about "those fucking commies." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By anonymous - United States - La Verne

Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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By Awkward - United States

Today, while driving on the highway, I got stuck in a traffic jam. Upon glancing over at the car in the next lane, I saw it was my ex as of a week ago. We sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

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By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML

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By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Dad of the year

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

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By a4rk - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By batgirl - France

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

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By MLeguillon - United States - Imperial

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

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Top comments

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

COMMENTS

By ermagherdaturdis | 26

#5589485 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:21

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch.

xBethanyC | 15

#5589589 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:15

sibling rivalry at it's worst.. I'm sorry she had to be a bitch muffin and steal your moment, OP.. but congratulations on your first pregnancy!

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

vehementbitch | 4

#5589838 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:52

Op Dont let that bitch steal yo shine! *snaps finger*

tjv3 | 10

#5590040 - Sunday 21 July 2013 1:33

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

By droidlover | 14

#5589490 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

Is she the prettier one?

graffitied_love | 20

#5589533 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:37

She's the bitchier one

persianninja | 23

#5589754 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:39

Why should it matter which one is prettier

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589879 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:47

it was joke on sterotypes dumb asses -_-

Laurenluvz | 11

#5589949 - Saturday 20 July 2013 23:35

It wasn't a funny joke.

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

DaDezza244 | 31

#5589639 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:53

21, #4 did read the FML and I don't believe you understood the FML. OP's sister is a clearly an attention whore and she lied to the family so she can receive attention too.

Congratulations OP on your baby!

Jelbeztok | 17

#5589692 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:51

I'm pretty sure 21 was being sarcastic.

Examine | 7

#5589694 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:53

There are two types of people..

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5589695 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:54

That was total sarcasm haha. And pretty funny in my opinion. Amazing how some people can't read between the lines. Especially when the sarcasm is that blatant.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5589735 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:34

Maybe we knew it was sarcasm, but didn't think it was funny at all

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589881 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:48

except that it was! so suck a dick

Fedezzer | 20

#5590599 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:27

Or you didn't and are just trying to cover up your stupidity.

By anon80214 | 15

#5589499 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

I hate it when people can't accept something good happening to someone else. What a bitch. FYL, op.

By ihpp | 22

#5589500 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

FYL indeed. congrats on your pregnancy.

Caitie_kid | 8

#5589883 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:51

I would definitely say NO to planning that baby shower! They can plan her fake shower for her. Then I would be looking at the people who will be supportive and only share these special moments with them! If the family can't be supportive now, I wouldn't let them join in later and hog time away from the people who had been supportive!

By rozsrredd | 16

#5589510 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Enjoy this time, and build up a strong support system of non-family members, because the system you have seems unlikely to provide much support.

By MilkyFilmz | 26

#5589511 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

I bet op's sister is a spoiled favorite.

By Wizardo | 33

#5589513 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

Like a scene straight out of Breaking Bad, just go psycho on her and tell her to stop being such an attention whore.

Mads_1234 | 28

#5590240 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:20

Go Walt-White-carwash ape shit on her, OP. Congrats on the baby!

By AnimeBitch | 14

#5589521 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

You "might" need to associate with different members of your family.