Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be...

By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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Kids

Everyone's an expert

Emergency haircut

Don't shoot the messenger

By Meghan Elise - 6/7/2019 02:41

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. FML

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By Moon_Glade - 3/6/2017 16:00

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

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By sunburychick - 13/9/2009 09:27 - Australia

Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML

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By Shrek's Pubes - 22/5/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

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By marz88 - 24/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

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By Becky - 11/5/2015 20:54 - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

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By now my watch begins - 31/7/2017 04:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for sneezing too many times during Game of Thrones. FML

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By andimanastudent - 13/4/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

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By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By anyonmus - 12/4/2013 00:59 - United States - Westminster

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By LeftOut - 13/4/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said "You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That's you." I just got dumped by my friends. FML

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By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By cheddar - 20/7/2011 22:17 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

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By ouch - 15/6/2013 04:48 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 12:36 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By DwarfFrog - 18/6/2012 11:38 - United States

Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

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By stillembarrassed - 6/8/2013 17:01 - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By LOTRfail - 27/7/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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By Itchy - 28/2/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By Nothingonyou - 8/9/2010 07:35 - France

Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML

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By dumb dancer - 5/12/2014 01:54 - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By well_f_u_too - 30/8/2018 03:30

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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By the hated - 9/7/2013 02:02 - United States - Absecon

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

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By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By why ma? - 25/3/2020 08:02

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By NotThePotty - 19/10/2015 10:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

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By Sadwife - 6/10/2016 17:36 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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By nevermind - 13/8/2019 00:01

Today, while planning for our trip next spring, my friend told me that she's decided that her mom is coming with us. It’s non-negotiable. FML

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By yourstruly - 11/2/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By footfetish - 2/2/2013 11:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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By where's the epipen - 23/10/2016 06:41 - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By katurday - 3/11/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Eww - 5/10/2014 17:48 - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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By surprise - 15/1/2015 20:30 - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By nicetoknow - 26/9/2016 12:57 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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Top comments

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

Comments

By ermagherdaturdis | 26

#5589485 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:21

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch.

xBethanyC | 15

#5589589 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:15

sibling rivalry at it's worst.. I'm sorry she had to be a bitch muffin and steal your moment, OP.. but congratulations on your first pregnancy!

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

vehementbitch | 4

#5589838 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:52

Op Dont let that bitch steal yo shine! *snaps finger*

tjv3 | 10

#5590040 - Sunday 21 July 2013 1:33

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

By droidlover | 14

#5589490 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

Is she the prettier one?

graffitied_love | 20

#5589533 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:37

She's the bitchier one

persianninja | 23

#5589754 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:39

Why should it matter which one is prettier

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589879 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:47

it was joke on sterotypes dumb asses -_-

Laurenluvz | 11

#5589949 - Saturday 20 July 2013 23:35

It wasn't a funny joke.

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

DaDezza244 | 31

#5589639 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:53

21, #4 did read the FML and I don't believe you understood the FML. OP's sister is a clearly an attention whore and she lied to the family so she can receive attention too.

Congratulations OP on your baby!

Jelbeztok | 17

#5589692 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:51

I'm pretty sure 21 was being sarcastic.

Examine | 7

#5589694 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:53

There are two types of people..

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5589695 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:54

That was total sarcasm haha. And pretty funny in my opinion. Amazing how some people can't read between the lines. Especially when the sarcasm is that blatant.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5589735 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:34

Maybe we knew it was sarcasm, but didn't think it was funny at all

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589881 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:48

except that it was! so suck a dick

Fedezzer | 20

#5590599 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:27

Or you didn't and are just trying to cover up your stupidity.

By anon80214 | 15

#5589499 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

I hate it when people can't accept something good happening to someone else. What a bitch. FYL, op.

By ihpp | 22

#5589500 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

FYL indeed. congrats on your pregnancy.

Caitie_kid | 8

#5589883 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:51

I would definitely say NO to planning that baby shower! They can plan her fake shower for her. Then I would be looking at the people who will be supportive and only share these special moments with them! If the family can't be supportive now, I wouldn't let them join in later and hog time away from the people who had been supportive!

By rozsrredd | 16

#5589510 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Enjoy this time, and build up a strong support system of non-family members, because the system you have seems unlikely to provide much support.

By MilkyFilmz | 26

#5589511 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

I bet op's sister is a spoiled favorite.

By Wizardo | 33

#5589513 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

Like a scene straight out of Breaking Bad, just go psycho on her and tell her to stop being such an attention whore.

Mads_1234 | 28

#5590240 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:20

Go Walt-White-carwash ape shit on her, OP. Congrats on the baby!

By AnimeBitch | 14

#5589521 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

You "might" need to associate with different members of your family.