Kids: Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be...

By Happyunlucky - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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Kids

Understandable

Instadrama

Great guy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

It's probably considered art

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

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By nickyniknaim93 - United States

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

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By OUCH. - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

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By Anon

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

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By alicia75 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By Sleepless - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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By Mary - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By bummed - United States

Today, I finished up a week of this new "Liquid Foods" diet I learned about from a friend. After a week of denying myself of my favorite foods and eating only non-fat yoghurt and smoothies, I have not only gained 2 pounds, but have diarrhea. Just in time for my anniversary. FML

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By kiwichick4life - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

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By manda - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By WOWBear - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By yankesik - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By OhJoy - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from a girl, asking if my boyfriend was indeed my boyfriend. I sent back a gushing message about how much I loved him and how well he treated me. She replied "Yeah, I know. He was supposed to be my boyfriend, too." FML

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By jealousgirl - United Kingdom

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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By mommymo - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

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By Not so much of a teachers pet - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

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By Anonymous

Proud

Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML

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By Chels - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of waiting, my mom and I finally received a check from Child Support Services. Excited, I opened it up to find a check from my dad, written out for 45 cents. Which pays for maybe half a loaf of bread. FML

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By not a boy toy

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Face - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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By RetroDayDreamer - United States

Pranked!

Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML

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By Julez - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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By Joseph - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

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By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By off-balance - Finland

Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML

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By titov - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

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By rochellamaya - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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By explanations - United States - Des Plaines

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

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By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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By Andy - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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Top comments

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

COMMENTS

By ermagherdaturdis | 26

#5589485 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:21

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch.

xBethanyC | 15

#5589589 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:15

sibling rivalry at it's worst.. I'm sorry she had to be a bitch muffin and steal your moment, OP.. but congratulations on your first pregnancy!

By jezmonster7 | 7

#5589489 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

FYL, Sorry your sister had to steal your moment :(

vehementbitch | 4

#5589838 - Saturday 20 July 2013 20:52

Op Dont let that bitch steal yo shine! *snaps finger*

tjv3 | 10

#5590040 - Sunday 21 July 2013 1:33

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

By droidlover | 14

#5589490 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:23

Is she the prettier one?

graffitied_love | 20

#5589533 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:37

She's the bitchier one

persianninja | 23

#5589754 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:39

Why should it matter which one is prettier

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589879 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:47

it was joke on sterotypes dumb asses -_-

Laurenluvz | 11

#5589949 - Saturday 20 July 2013 23:35

It wasn't a funny joke.

By Fmlano | 16

#5589498 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:24

Congrats on the baby, OP!

DaDezza244 | 31

#5589639 - Saturday 20 July 2013 17:53

21, #4 did read the FML and I don't believe you understood the FML. OP's sister is a clearly an attention whore and she lied to the family so she can receive attention too.

Congratulations OP on your baby!

Jelbeztok | 17

#5589692 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:51

I'm pretty sure 21 was being sarcastic.

Examine | 7

#5589694 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:53

There are two types of people..

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5589695 - Saturday 20 July 2013 18:54

That was total sarcasm haha. And pretty funny in my opinion. Amazing how some people can't read between the lines. Especially when the sarcasm is that blatant.

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5589735 - Saturday 20 July 2013 19:34

Maybe we knew it was sarcasm, but didn't think it was funny at all

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5589881 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:48

except that it was! so suck a dick

Fedezzer | 20

#5590599 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:27

Or you didn't and are just trying to cover up your stupidity.

By anon80214 | 15

#5589499 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

I hate it when people can't accept something good happening to someone else. What a bitch. FYL, op.

By ihpp | 22

#5589500 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:25

FYL indeed. congrats on your pregnancy.

Caitie_kid | 8

#5589883 - Saturday 20 July 2013 21:51

I would definitely say NO to planning that baby shower! They can plan her fake shower for her. Then I would be looking at the people who will be supportive and only share these special moments with them! If the family can't be supportive now, I wouldn't let them join in later and hog time away from the people who had been supportive!

By rozsrredd | 16

#5589510 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Enjoy this time, and build up a strong support system of non-family members, because the system you have seems unlikely to provide much support.

By MilkyFilmz | 26

#5589511 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

I bet op's sister is a spoiled favorite.

By Wizardo | 33

#5589513 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:28

Like a scene straight out of Breaking Bad, just go psycho on her and tell her to stop being such an attention whore.

Mads_1234 | 28

#5590240 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:20

Go Walt-White-carwash ape shit on her, OP. Congrats on the baby!

By AnimeBitch | 14

#5589521 - Saturday 20 July 2013 16:31

You "might" need to associate with different members of your family.