Intimacy: Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to...

By LZapped - 08/06/2015 13:35 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 228

You deserved it 5 296

Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

There's no helping some people

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By awkwardRA - 19/09/2018 03:30

Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 741

You deserved it 419

By Anonymous - 08/11/2013 23:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 425

You deserved it 8 663

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 507

You deserved it 4 741

Thanks guys

By daddy - 22/12/2008 05:43 - France

Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where were the police? They were 500 m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 549

You deserved it 2 214

By Baegel - 02/03/2016 01:52 - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 826

You deserved it 2 351

By strangebeans - 25/07/2012 05:27 - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 552

You deserved it 3 614

By rivercitybarf - 08/08/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 620

You deserved it 6 879

By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 721

You deserved it 4 409

By I did them anyway - 20/07/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 2 161

Size Queen

By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 996

You deserved it 14 790

By DWIcop - 03/04/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 774

By makiju - 13/11/2012 21:23 - France - M?zi?res-sur-seine

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 450

You deserved it 1 958

By chinchilla4404 - 02/08/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 72 115

By thetalkingvagina - 09/06/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 713

You deserved it 18 477

Such a Jerry thing to do...

By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 517

You deserved it 3 197

By Can2 - 08/01/2014 19:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 445

You deserved it 14 301

By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 22:03 - Iceland - Akranes

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 974

You deserved it 27 502

By Username - 03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 745

You deserved it 10 648

By moneymoneymoney - 08/10/2013 14:34 - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 223

You deserved it 7 059

By disneyworld - 14/02/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 893

You deserved it 2 448

By YOUFUCKINGFUCKSOCK - 03/11/2012 00:23 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 366

You deserved it 4 120

By Anonymous - 11/06/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 883

You deserved it 4 445

By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 05/01/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 639

You deserved it 442

By eebie jeebies - 30/05/2016 15:31 - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 430

You deserved it 3 141

By KtSue - 12/11/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement, she also shared her troubles. She said, "Everything hangs now, even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank you for the mental image, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 352

You deserved it 1 877

Who are you to judge?

By vertigoisarat - 23/02/2021 08:01 - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 127

By SydIsPrettyCool - 04/08/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 073

You deserved it 3 380

By bananayellowteeth - 03/05/2009 08:37 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth for what seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 768

You deserved it 9 055

We finally made it

By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 053

You deserved it 9 096

I can fix him

By Anonymous - 24/10/2021 07:00 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, my daughter must be punishing me for something. She's dating a boy who dropped out of high school to “escape the system” and yet loves collecting unemployment benefits, and refuses to read books because he hates not knowing what the characters really look like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 14/03/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 592

You deserved it 15 591

By ShayisPay101 - 15/02/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 409

You deserved it 3 856

By damgoose - 15/06/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 62 127

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 844

You deserved it 16 253

Money first

By Anonymus - 31/01/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 306

By biggs sprhro - 10/10/2015 04:25 - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 15 334

By dani0810 - 22/01/2013 11:39 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 140

You deserved it 5 471

By SCREWED - 15/07/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 736

You deserved it 3 877

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 771

You deserved it 26 246

By gettinganF - 23/05/2016 11:57 - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 267

You deserved it 2 383

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Top comments

WitEluded 13

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Monday 8 June 2015 17:58

Good luck getting that out of your head before the exam

igg125 30

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Monday 8 June 2015 17:56

Mama knows you best.

igg125 30

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Monday 8 June 2015 17:56

Mama knows you best.

Welshite 39

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Monday 8 June 2015 17:57

No D- for your D.

WitEluded 13

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Monday 8 June 2015 17:58

Good luck getting that out of your head before the exam

WellThatWasRude 27

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:18

Subtle. I like it.

Kielnmsoftly 26

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:49

Your picture being the ? only makes your comment better.

vreid 20

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:00

And now you excel at feeling awkward! Hopefully the awkwardness took away from the stress you were feeling OP

20bricks 28

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:01

If you pass the exam, you should sue her for burning you to the ground.

Jbell1527 3

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:02

Don't BEAT yourself about it.

NutellaCongress 10

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:02

Is she wrong?

udderbutter 15

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:04

Cum on now you will do great on the test

gintwinsmoore 20

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Monday 8 June 2015 20:48

#9 I think this was a great pun...you have an up vote from me.

wtfdidudo 9

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:04

Rekt

muarif 19

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Monday 8 June 2015 18:05

Wow, you have a cool mother, man! Don't worry, she was just trying to divert your attention and make you relax! :)

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 15

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 101

Thanks guys

Size Queen

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Who are you to judge?

We finally made it

I can fix him

Money first

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