Transportation: Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced... - FML

By etgohome - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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The client is always right

Get out of there!

Keep some things to yourself

By dream_girl_3 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By Ooops - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By zamwow - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

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By RichardPencil - United States

Today, I thought everyone was smiling at me because they liked my "skateboarding behind a police motorcycle" prank. Turns out, they all saw the open sewer manhole 10 metres ahead. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By australian6196 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

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By BunniesOnAcid - United States - Clinton

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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By plaid_is_cool

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

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By Foam - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went in to kiss me. He came in too aggressively and passionately and his front tooth knocked against mine. I am now missing a third of my right front tooth. Average cost for a dental crown? $900. FML

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By unsurprised - United States

Today, I visited my friend in a nasty part of town. When I saw the shattered window of the car next to me, and the missing stereo, I moved my car to a safer location. Luckily, though, I have a common car, so the thieves were able to jimmy the lock and steal my stereo without making any noise. FML

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By Boyufd - 8/6/2020 17:06

Never get involved

Today, my sister told me her ex-boyfriend abused her and I went to go confront him. Turns out, she lied because he dumped her after she cheated on him. I got my ass kicked. FML

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By eyerollplease

Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By douglas - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

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By lalanon - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By marie519 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

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By ChampionshipVinyl - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

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By bluebelle - Australia

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 05:01

Favoritism

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law say to her daughter "I can't wait for you to make me a real grandma." I'm pregnant with their first grandchild. FML

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By postop - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By notacaveman - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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By muskogee

Prince Charming

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

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By ShutTheFuCupcake - Canada - Calgary

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By Nicole Jones - 1/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Nooooooo… !

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

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By Luke - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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Top comments

By Zestus | 19

#5644063 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

so you were the victim of a hit on and run?

By Branflakes78 | 13

#5644064 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

At least you got a Nice Ass!?

COMMENTS

By Zestus | 19

#5644063 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

so you were the victim of a hit on and run?

Reply

calilovesneb | 12

#5644103 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:08

Grumpy cat.

Reply

His_Holiness | 18

#5644156 - Monday 26 August 2013 10:09

That ass is probably what distracted him so much that he almost hit you so be proud of that.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#5644430 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:05

I guess that means OP's ass is killer.

Reply

omgitsmoe | 26

#5644450 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:22

So not all Canadians say sorry?
My life is a lie

Reply

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#5644873 - Monday 26 August 2013 19:51

I'm sorry we tricked you into thinking we all say sorry

Reply

jadevv | 12

#5645447 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:45

#49 so so sorry you were mistaken.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5645464 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:58

Pics of the ass let fml decide :) j/k

Reply

omgitsmoe | 26

#5646012 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 13:08

#74 , #85
I can't stop laughing xD

Reply

imnotanybody | 2

#5992975 - Monday 30 June 2014 8:28

hahaha that's a good one

By Branflakes78 | 13

#5644064 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

At least you got a Nice Ass!?

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5644237 - Monday 26 August 2013 12:09

Well, fml community will be the judge of that so OP upload a pic of your ass :)

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5644722 - Monday 26 August 2013 18:24

*Uploads pic of a donkey*. That is a fine ass.

By ironwords | 8

#5644065 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Some people just don't deserve a license

By zawesomee | 14

#5644066 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Well, at least he said something nice.

Reply

Mossears133 | 15

#5644210 - Monday 26 August 2013 11:48

That's not a compliment, it's fucking disgusting.

Reply

hcollins1 | 18

#5644446 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:16

Saying something nice would've been along the line of 'I'm sorry for almost running you over! Oh hey! You're beautiful!'

By FrozenHell77 | 8

#5644067 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Win/ lose situation right there.

By StraightEdge325 | 11

#5644068 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

What an ass hole.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5644555 - Monday 26 August 2013 16:42

That's what the driver said

By mrsnugglefunny | 10

#5644078 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:58

Look on the bright side at least you know you have a nice ass now :)

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5644332 - Monday 26 August 2013 13:36

That driver has the ability to give out fine asses to people! Probably because he's an asshat.

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5644085 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:01

Tell him to fuck off.

By Pelios_fml | 10

#5644087 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:01

What an ass!

By Merrqe | 11

#5644104 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:09

Is it a car or a truck?

Reply

brewmasterg | 34

#5644115 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:19

Not sure about you but where I come from larger vehicles like 4WDs and utes are often referred to as 'trucks' as well as cars.