Transportation: Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced... - FML

By etgohome - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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Out of it

And today, on Dr Phil…

Deadly cocktail

By Blackshadows - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By MADfml - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

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By BrokeStudentTryingToDoSomethingNice

Today my mom, bored lover of games and mysteries, bragged about outsmarting scammers by burning all the post and gifts they have been sending her. For a special birthday / Christmas, I'd splurged on an expensive, interactive mystery game where you are mailed clues over the course of 6 months. FML

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By jerkgirl - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

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By AD240Z

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

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By mama bear

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

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By Zyopy - Australia - Hampton

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

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By Uhmm... - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

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By drurbanXVII - United States

Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By HarvestMoon_gal - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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By rainonmyparade - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

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By joe - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

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By MALICEG - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By thinking of military school

Today, I drug tested my son for weed. He purposely filled the cup up to the top out of spite and I got piss all over my hands. Oh, and he failed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

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By AGluckily - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By evilplatypus - United States - Cromwell

Today, after talking to my psychiatrist about a delusion I have - that I know is a delusion but simply can’t shake - he started frowning and pulled out the DSM-V. After thumbing through it for a while he looks at me and says, “That’s not in here.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By sadNsingle

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

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By Mem - Sweden - Hudiksvall

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

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By ThanksMa - Canada

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

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By Countdown has begun

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

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By UglySister - United Kingdom

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

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By stpdaziandude - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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By ihatewalmart - United States

Today, while at work, I witnessed a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said "yep... that just happened" and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

No joking please

Today, I went to the ER after a fall. Before the nurse did an X-Ray, she gave me a pregnancy test. It came back negative. I joked, "No martians have crawled into my uterus, then?" She didn't get it, and I had my head scanned for brain trauma. Never crack a joke in a hospital. FML

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By no - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

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By Appelflap - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

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Top comments

By Zestus | 19

#5644063 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

so you were the victim of a hit on and run?

By Branflakes78 | 13

#5644064 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

At least you got a Nice Ass!?

COMMENTS

By Zestus | 19

#5644063 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

so you were the victim of a hit on and run?

Reply

calilovesneb | 12

#5644103 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:08

Grumpy cat.

Reply

His_Holiness | 18

#5644156 - Monday 26 August 2013 10:09

That ass is probably what distracted him so much that he almost hit you so be proud of that.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#5644430 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:05

I guess that means OP's ass is killer.

Reply

omgitsmoe | 26

#5644450 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:22

So not all Canadians say sorry?
My life is a lie

Reply

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#5644873 - Monday 26 August 2013 19:51

I'm sorry we tricked you into thinking we all say sorry

Reply

jadevv | 12

#5645447 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:45

#49 so so sorry you were mistaken.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5645464 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 2:58

Pics of the ass let fml decide :) j/k

Reply

omgitsmoe | 26

#5646012 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 13:08

#74 , #85
I can't stop laughing xD

Reply

imnotanybody | 2

#5992975 - Monday 30 June 2014 8:28

hahaha that's a good one

By Branflakes78 | 13

#5644064 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:55

At least you got a Nice Ass!?

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5644237 - Monday 26 August 2013 12:09

Well, fml community will be the judge of that so OP upload a pic of your ass :)

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5644722 - Monday 26 August 2013 18:24

*Uploads pic of a donkey*. That is a fine ass.

By ironwords | 8

#5644065 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Some people just don't deserve a license

By zawesomee | 14

#5644066 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Well, at least he said something nice.

Reply

Mossears133 | 15

#5644210 - Monday 26 August 2013 11:48

That's not a compliment, it's fucking disgusting.

Reply

hcollins1 | 18

#5644446 - Monday 26 August 2013 15:16

Saying something nice would've been along the line of 'I'm sorry for almost running you over! Oh hey! You're beautiful!'

By FrozenHell77 | 8

#5644067 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

Win/ lose situation right there.

By StraightEdge325 | 11

#5644068 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:56

What an ass hole.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5644555 - Monday 26 August 2013 16:42

That's what the driver said

By mrsnugglefunny | 10

#5644078 - Monday 26 August 2013 8:58

Look on the bright side at least you know you have a nice ass now :)

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5644332 - Monday 26 August 2013 13:36

That driver has the ability to give out fine asses to people! Probably because he's an asshat.

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5644085 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:01

Tell him to fuck off.

By Pelios_fml | 10

#5644087 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:01

What an ass!

By Merrqe | 11

#5644104 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:09

Is it a car or a truck?

Reply

brewmasterg | 34

#5644115 - Monday 26 August 2013 9:19

Not sure about you but where I come from larger vehicles like 4WDs and utes are often referred to as 'trucks' as well as cars.