Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call...

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 19:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

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Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Tense

Race against the clock

By jazz - 22/1/2010 08:11 - France

Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - 1/12/2015 22:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By artmfanforever - 22/9/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

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By Will - 21/2/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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By animallover - 26/6/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

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By klv8 - 7/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 03:30

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By anonymous - 22/12/2012 12:50 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 02:00

Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

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By the bleeder - 13/5/2016 05:05

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - 1/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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By Gob - 16/1/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 14:01

Bye bye love

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

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By AbsentMindedBoy - 3/3/2009 04:09 - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said "That's great to hear!" Turns out she had lung-cancer instead. FML

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By dream_girl_3 - 8/3/2010 09:37 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

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By catfish - 23/2/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

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By best_friend - 25/7/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By Sadandphoneless - 23/1/2019 18:00

Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until i realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By nomorefreehugs - 27/6/2011 23:34 - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By leah12 - 18/3/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

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By jessmess - 1/8/2012 16:44 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I went to do the laundry at my hotel. I had just enough money for my two loads. After getting frustrated with the washer taking two of my quarters and giving no credit, I took the clothes out. The washer then locked the door shut and started without my clothes. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol - 21/1/2017 08:00

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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By KJS - 10/3/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By damnit - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 01:30

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By Ally - 24/3/2018 05:00

shrinks into corner

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

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By Andrew - 28/8/2011 22:37 - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By KMilly - 1/5/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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By goner - 1/5/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By alex - 24/2/2012 21:35 - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By burn - 1/8/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6128425 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:22

Any man who gets angry over you giving him a blowjob does not deserve a blowjob

By Joheezy | 14

#6128419 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:18

That has surprisingly happened to me before, exact situation.

COMMENTS

By Joheezy | 14

#6128419 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:18

That has surprisingly happened to me before, exact situation.

Hash13 | 13

#6128460 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:42

I would like to be in exact situation ... Playing call of duty .. Reviving head ...

DARKDAY07 | 16

#6128492 - Thursday 27 November 2014 1:11

I second #11

ElectroThunder28 | 16

#6128539 - Thursday 27 November 2014 2:29

This goes for 11 too, just get a gay guy to do it. Your not gonna be paying attention anyway, and he would love it.

hurtfeet | 17

#6128548 - Thursday 27 November 2014 2:51

I don't think #19's parents would enjoy that idea, considering he's 16.

jsrf | 8

#6128560 - Thursday 27 November 2014 3:20

Or nahhhh #29

doctorhook86 | 24

#6128688 - Thursday 27 November 2014 6:52

#1: That's not only a bizarre and hilarious coincidence, but also a good first comment.

flowerpowergirl | 10

#6128841 - Thursday 27 November 2014 12:00

I'm sorry but I would never give my bf a blowjob while he is playing a video game.. either he wants to play or be intimate with me..

doctorhook86 | 24

#6128899 - Thursday 27 November 2014 14:05

#75: Personally I wouldn't want receive a blowjob while playing a video game--too distracting, and giving her my full sexual attention is more fun.

I hate when the girl is only half-into it; why would I expect her to be okay with me being only half-into it?

Googolman | 29

#6128902 - Thursday 27 November 2014 14:10

16 is really not that young... there are thirteen-year-olds who engage in sexual activities.

reallyokok | 5

#6128906 - Thursday 27 November 2014 14:16

That doesn't make it okay

Googolman | 29

#6129191 - Thursday 27 November 2014 21:22

I know it doesn't; I've always been extremely annoyed by it, but 16 is an acceptable age to lose one's virginity. It is the age of consent in most countries, after all.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6129647 - Friday 28 November 2014 12:04

I'd love to get head while playing xbox...

Sockmonkey12 | 10

#6131186 - Sunday 30 November 2014 20:22

That's not a good thing

By xluciferx666 | 21

#6128422 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:20

Well guess we know what's gonna happen next time he asks for it

By WCARlover | 34

#6128425 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:22

Any man who gets angry over you giving him a blowjob does not deserve a blowjob

afallingstar | 22

#6128430 - Thursday 27 November 2014 0:23

Agreed. He should feel lucky she was willing to do so.

CatchMe25 | 16

#6128562 - Thursday 27 November 2014 3:21

Not only willing but happy

tygerarmy | 35

#6128694 - Thursday 27 November 2014 6:59

Couldn't agree more. I've never been mad a woman for giving me head. I'd just be disappointed if it was a game she played and she didn't sit on my face to play the next round.