Intimacy: Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML - FML

By harambae - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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Messed up

Slasher

Thanks, dad

By luh8r - Canada

Today, while teaching swimming to a bunch of five year olds, one particularly bratty girl decided she didn't want to swim and lead the entire class to strike, leaving the pool empty and me without a job. Apparently I was teaching the next world tyrant to swim. FML

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By raven_teen_titan - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By Tea_baggins - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

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By anoymus - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

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By heartsick - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By handymandy - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By gnofin - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By redmethod87 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

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By Gage

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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By Daddy_issues

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my boyfriend, who recently had to move away, about not calling enough. Apparently his moving had meant that we were now taking a break, he just forgot to talk it over with me. He still wants to visit, and keep the relationship in bed alive though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By Ticklish - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By love_today - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By Annette - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

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By jazzybell - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

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By Kurochrome - United States

Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

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By FartMyLife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

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By baby shak - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By EllieS9311 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By Garfield - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

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By no good deed - 23/7/2020 20:02

It's the thought that counts

Today, I was feeling pretty down due to a recent back injury, so I thought I’d do something nice to help lift my spirits. I bought some cookies for my coworkers, who ended up not wanting any, and one of them decided to ask what was wrong with my face. Oh, right, my acne rosacea is flaring too. FML

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By christous - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

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Top comments

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

COMMENTS

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6697501 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:14

I know I'd have a cow over it.

Reply

hkhan24 | 23

#6697584 - Saturday 1 October 2016 8:43

I think she mooed because the partner was giving her beef..

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6697792 - Saturday 1 October 2016 20:45

I bet he's telling his friends that you're an animal in bed

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697418 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:06

If someone blurted out milk me like a cow during sex, that would turn me off on the spot. Hah.

Reply

bandaidstations | 28

#6697757 - Saturday 1 October 2016 19:06

My ex did this same thing when we lost our virginity a million years ago.... MOOed in my face and then got awkward and asked if I needed any money before he left.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697807 - Saturday 1 October 2016 22:26

#40 how did you react to that?

By rockyanniee | 8

#6697417 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:03

I guess you were milking it for all it is worth.

By ohsnapword | 21

#6697419 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:07

Honey, we talked about this. I thought it was cute. Please don't be embarrassed.

By Cow_Girl_Lilly | 24

#6697422 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:08

I think that's kind of cute!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6697428 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

You don't say, Cow Girl Lilly?

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6697645 - Saturday 1 October 2016 12:18

During sex there are no "accidents"

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#6697903 - Sunday 2 October 2016 5:20

Except children.

By Tripartita | 44

#6697424 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:09

You know, this is a regular occurrence for method porn actresses in the cowgirl position.

By kowsee | 22

#6697427 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:10

Definitely different.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697429 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

My whole life has been a lie! I didn't know that Harambe mooed!

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6697441 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:35

Why would you moo when you were the one milking him with your vagina?

Reply

Mandybruin | 15

#6697689 - Saturday 1 October 2016 15:18

Huh. Never thought of sex that way. Interesting. Should make a great pickup line: "I'd like to milk you with my vagina. " Ohhh! Sexy time! :D

By captainsmegma | 12

#6697447 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:45

That can happen when you're getting a high protein beef injection.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6697846 - Sunday 2 October 2016 2:05

Jesus! I'm bored, reading FML, while my baby snoozes in my arms. Your comment just made me snort really loud. It woke her up.