Intimacy: Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML - FML

By harambae - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13134

You deserved it

3121

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

This Charming Man

How's your hovel?

By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13944

You deserved it

1093

Tweet

Share

By Peepants - United States - Huntsville

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18923

You deserved it

4670

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4823

You deserved it

432

Tweet

Share

By diva467 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37712

You deserved it

15088

Tweet

Share

By ima nerd - United States

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33212

You deserved it

5834

Tweet

Share

By Dlord357 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33968

You deserved it

3986

Tweet

Share

By mom2010 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41794

You deserved it

3896

Tweet

Share

By hey-ooo - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46711

You deserved it

2830

Tweet

Share

By samaram - United States

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46903

You deserved it

3924

Tweet

Share

By panda

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29187

You deserved it

6262

Tweet

Share

By JLoRd - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33767

You deserved it

4005

Tweet

Share

By Rowaelin16 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11701

You deserved it

1562

Tweet

Share

By yudencow

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1158

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

By probablydodgedabullet - Australia - Wollongong

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49759

You deserved it

4635

Tweet

Share

By coward - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24692

You deserved it

2006

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

672

You deserved it

270

Tweet

Share

By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12826

You deserved it

43470

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 02:01

Empty gestures

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1766

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17754

You deserved it

5306

Tweet

Share

By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28966

You deserved it

2619

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55244

You deserved it

2683

Tweet

Share

By leaaaa 223 - 14/7/2020 23:01

Take, is gift

Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1211

You deserved it

280

Tweet

Share

By bertthelamb - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47960

You deserved it

8454

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11174

You deserved it

21977

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51980

You deserved it

4360

Tweet

Share

By chapstick - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43825

You deserved it

13643

Tweet

Share

By picklet - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25052

You deserved it

4510

Tweet

Share

By PLU - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32850

You deserved it

5687

Tweet

Share

By Sara1990 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39114

You deserved it

6953

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37563

You deserved it

4585

Tweet

Share

By notattractiveatall - Australia - Newcastle

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25689

You deserved it

1750

Tweet

Share

By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46455

You deserved it

5399

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35981

You deserved it

2907

Tweet

Share

By scheisse - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26284

You deserved it

67379

Tweet

Share

By lollipopp56 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

148937

You deserved it

13758

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32540

You deserved it

3900

Tweet

Share

By goodgrief - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51773

You deserved it

8740

Tweet

Share

By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34340

You deserved it

2905

Tweet

Share

By alice5000 - France

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17434

You deserved it

70053

Tweet

Share

By life_sucks - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31946

You deserved it

7492

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

COMMENTS

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6697501 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:14

I know I'd have a cow over it.

Reply

hkhan24 | 23

#6697584 - Saturday 1 October 2016 8:43

I think she mooed because the partner was giving her beef..

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6697792 - Saturday 1 October 2016 20:45

I bet he's telling his friends that you're an animal in bed

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697418 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:06

If someone blurted out milk me like a cow during sex, that would turn me off on the spot. Hah.

Reply

bandaidstations | 28

#6697757 - Saturday 1 October 2016 19:06

My ex did this same thing when we lost our virginity a million years ago.... MOOed in my face and then got awkward and asked if I needed any money before he left.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697807 - Saturday 1 October 2016 22:26

#40 how did you react to that?

By rockyanniee | 8

#6697417 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:03

I guess you were milking it for all it is worth.

By ohsnapword | 21

#6697419 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:07

Honey, we talked about this. I thought it was cute. Please don't be embarrassed.

By Cow_Girl_Lilly | 24

#6697422 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:08

I think that's kind of cute!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6697428 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

You don't say, Cow Girl Lilly?

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6697645 - Saturday 1 October 2016 12:18

During sex there are no "accidents"

Reply

Jared900DUmpling | 30

#6697903 - Sunday 2 October 2016 5:20

Except children.

By Tripartita | 44

#6697424 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:09

You know, this is a regular occurrence for method porn actresses in the cowgirl position.

By kowsee | 22

#6697427 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:10

Definitely different.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697429 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

My whole life has been a lie! I didn't know that Harambe mooed!

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6697441 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:35

Why would you moo when you were the one milking him with your vagina?

Reply

Mandybruin | 15

#6697689 - Saturday 1 October 2016 15:18

Huh. Never thought of sex that way. Interesting. Should make a great pickup line: "I'd like to milk you with my vagina. " Ohhh! Sexy time! :D

By captainsmegma | 12

#6697447 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:45

That can happen when you're getting a high protein beef injection.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6697846 - Sunday 2 October 2016 2:05

Jesus! I'm bored, reading FML, while my baby snoozes in my arms. Your comment just made me snort really loud. It woke her up.