Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML - FML

By harambae - 11/9/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Night terrors

Last dates

By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By Marcela - 18/3/2009 13:47 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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By artsmart1 - 6/3/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By thefrightening1 - 5/9/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

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By JazzSpazz - 11/8/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By kissrocks4 - 11/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

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By dishwasherforlife - 4/11/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

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By TipsyTj - 29/3/2016 13:05 - Canada - Kentville

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

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By Immaculatedream - 27/7/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

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By paula.isabel - 9/9/2018 20:30

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

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By Popscene - 26/9/2012 09:06 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

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By taz - 5/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By Andrew - 24/11/2011 20:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

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By jcedarholm - 13/9/2012 05:19 - United States - San Marcos

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

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By fired - 17/9/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 15:15 - United States - Lompoc

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

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By stevenr579 - 23/1/2013 23:33 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

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By Xabeix - 3/6/2019 08:00 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

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By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

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By - 29/1/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By Sky - 25/7/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

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By alyssaamarante - 13/6/2015 02:41 - United States - East Northport

Today, I decided to go thrifting to save some money. Ironically, I ended up having to pay for an emergency trip to the hospital because somebody was too lazy to wash the cat hair off their clothes. I'm severely allergic to cats. FML

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By sma93 - 17/12/2016 18:30 - United States - Baldwin

Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML

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By notpreggo - 1/5/2017 12:00

Today, I was taking my 3-month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon". I've never had a baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 08:00 - United States - Macon

Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By Not Worth a Lunch - 2/2/2015 14:25 - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 20:00

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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By Janitoro - 23/11/2012 01:19 - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - 7/7/2015 03:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By notgay - 25/12/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

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By travelsickness - 10/8/2010 13:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

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By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By DearLord - 3/4/2020 23:00 - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

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Top comments

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

COMMENTS

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6697501 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:14

I know I'd have a cow over it.

Reply

hkhan24 | 23

#6697584 - Saturday 1 October 2016 8:43

I think she mooed because the partner was giving her beef..

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6697792 - Saturday 1 October 2016 20:45

I bet he's telling his friends that you're an animal in bed

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697418 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:06

If someone blurted out milk me like a cow during sex, that would turn me off on the spot. Hah.

Reply

bandaidstations | 28

#6697757 - Saturday 1 October 2016 19:06

My ex did this same thing when we lost our virginity a million years ago.... MOOed in my face and then got awkward and asked if I needed any money before he left.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697807 - Saturday 1 October 2016 22:26

#40 how did you react to that?

By rockyanniee | 8

#6697417 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:03

I guess you were milking it for all it is worth.

By ohsnapword | 21

#6697419 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:07

Honey, we talked about this. I thought it was cute. Please don't be embarrassed.

By Cow_Girl_Lilly | 24

#6697422 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:08

I think that's kind of cute!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6697428 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

You don't say, Cow Girl Lilly?

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6697645 - Saturday 1 October 2016 12:18

During sex there are no "accidents"

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#6697903 - Sunday 2 October 2016 5:20

Except children.

By Tripartita | 44

#6697424 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:09

You know, this is a regular occurrence for method porn actresses in the cowgirl position.

By kowsee | 22

#6697427 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:10

Definitely different.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697429 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

My whole life has been a lie! I didn't know that Harambe mooed!

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6697441 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:35

Why would you moo when you were the one milking him with your vagina?

Reply

Mandybruin | 15

#6697689 - Saturday 1 October 2016 15:18

Huh. Never thought of sex that way. Interesting. Should make a great pickup line: "I'd like to milk you with my vagina. " Ohhh! Sexy time! :D

By captainsmegma | 12

#6697447 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:45

That can happen when you're getting a high protein beef injection.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6697846 - Sunday 2 October 2016 2:05

Jesus! I'm bored, reading FML, while my baby snoozes in my arms. Your comment just made me snort really loud. It woke her up.