Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML - FML

By harambae - 11/9/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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Family values

Who's a good boy?

Yappy neighborhood

By anonymous - 1/12/2016 16:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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By rivercitybarf - 8/8/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:33

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By Sarah - 7/5/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

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By nicklesg - 23/6/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By oh - 23/2/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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By leftbehind - 10/6/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 20:57 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

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By samantha711 - 10/11/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By OMFG - 22/2/2010 10:13 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my roommate pop a blister with a skewer and casually place it back in the kitchen drawer, before wiping what seeped out with the teatowel. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

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By nean83 - 12/1/2013 05:11 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

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By Highschoolisover! - 26/10/2017 01:30

Today, a good friend refuses to speak to me because she found out that I slept with her husband. It happened twelve years before they met. FML

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By Gregory - 28/11/2008 10:28 - France

Today, while shopping for a pair of shoes, I saw a pair I really liked lying around, so I sat down to try them on. Then, a man came up to me and pointed out that they were actually his shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 17:31 - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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By ohhotdamn - 19/4/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, for my mom's 50th birthday all she wanted was this gold bracelet. It was too much money for me to buy so I bought the same one in silver. Right before I gave it to her, my older sister gave her the gold bracelet which made her cry. When I gave her my present she just said "oh." FML

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By ricky the sage - 5/10/2013 00:04 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was on the bus, heading to work, when the girl beside me started yelling at me, claiming I was staring down her shirt. I did no such thing, but the driver nonetheless stopped the bus and made me get off, all under the withering glares of the other passengers. FML

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By lollerskate - 16/1/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 09:01 - Mongolia

Today, I spoke to my dad for the first time in over a year. I've been volunteering in Mongolia, I have no running water, freeze my ass off everyday and communication with anyone who speaks English is scarce. One of the first things my father said to me was, "out of sight, out of mind." FML

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By foxfur - 14/7/2016 12:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

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By superman21 - 28/9/2014 22:55 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By bdogge99 - 2/4/2012 05:59 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was at the dentist. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

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By evomadrid24 - 17/6/2011 00:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

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By Justme - 30/6/2016 18:20 - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 23:07 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By Gretchen - 25/2/2011 01:56

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2013 17:57 - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2012 21:41 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By ohforchristssake - 21/9/2015 02:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By ohwell - 1/9/2016 17:49 - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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By evomadrid24 - 2/6/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - 5/5/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By a single fuck - 23/5/2013 16:40 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2012 20:08 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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Top comments

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

Comments

By bigbagofnope | 25

#6697411 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:01

did your partner give you any beef about it?

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6697501 - Saturday 1 October 2016 5:14

I know I'd have a cow over it.

Reply

hkhan24 | 23

#6697584 - Saturday 1 October 2016 8:43

I think she mooed because the partner was giving her beef..

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#6697792 - Saturday 1 October 2016 20:45

I bet he's telling his friends that you're an animal in bed

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6697415 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:02

There was an FML like this a while back. In it, a dude was having sex with an overweight girl when she blurted out "milk me like a cow. "

Also, I hope you didn't kill the MOOd.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697418 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:06

If someone blurted out milk me like a cow during sex, that would turn me off on the spot. Hah.

Reply

bandaidstations | 28

#6697757 - Saturday 1 October 2016 19:06

My ex did this same thing when we lost our virginity a million years ago.... MOOed in my face and then got awkward and asked if I needed any money before he left.

Reply

tmj25789 | 23

#6697807 - Saturday 1 October 2016 22:26

#40 how did you react to that?

By rockyanniee | 8

#6697417 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:03

I guess you were milking it for all it is worth.

By ohsnapword | 21

#6697419 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:07

Honey, we talked about this. I thought it was cute. Please don't be embarrassed.

By Cow_Girl_Lilly | 24

#6697422 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:08

I think that's kind of cute!

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6697428 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

You don't say, Cow Girl Lilly?

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6697645 - Saturday 1 October 2016 12:18

During sex there are no "accidents"

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#6697903 - Sunday 2 October 2016 5:20

Except children.

By Tripartita | 44

#6697424 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:09

You know, this is a regular occurrence for method porn actresses in the cowgirl position.

By kowsee | 22

#6697427 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:10

Definitely different.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6697429 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:11

My whole life has been a lie! I didn't know that Harambe mooed!

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6697441 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:35

Why would you moo when you were the one milking him with your vagina?

Reply

Mandybruin | 15

#6697689 - Saturday 1 October 2016 15:18

Huh. Never thought of sex that way. Interesting. Should make a great pickup line: "I'd like to milk you with my vagina. " Ohhh! Sexy time! :D

By captainsmegma | 12

#6697447 - Saturday 1 October 2016 3:45

That can happen when you're getting a high protein beef injection.

Reply

lulinator | 40

#6697846 - Sunday 2 October 2016 2:05

Jesus! I'm bored, reading FML, while my baby snoozes in my arms. Your comment just made me snort really loud. It woke her up.