Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom....

By Trippy Penguin - 9/3/2011 02:23

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Boozehound alert

Bad news

By LasagnaRawks - 14/10/2009 20:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 00:25 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 23:13

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

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By purple - 29/1/2010 11:22 - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

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By dr mamour - 30/1/2013 21:57 - France - Paris

Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML

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By marmarr - 15/5/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

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By DestinyJoy - 10/1/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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By bitches. - 15/6/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

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By furryfriend - 16/9/2014 18:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML

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By NinjaWafflesx - 15/12/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

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By lynn_27 - 2/5/2020 08:00

Hammertime

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy. I shaved yesterday. FML

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By robinhoood - 12/7/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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By nadette - 25/5/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By ElixirRose - 20/7/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

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By Ophelia - 8/6/2016 04:05 - United States - Hudson

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By ServingYouWings - 12/2/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I greeted my table (I'm a server) with a colloquial "Hey there, guys, how's it going?" The customers were three butch lesbians who thought I was incorrectly identifying their gender. I received no tip (on a $35 bill), and they registered a corporate complaint about my "insensitivity." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2019 18:00

It is free

Today, I've decided to pay for sex. Stopped at a hooker and asked how much would it cost for a blowjob. Apparently she was a boy and told me: "If you suck my penis first, it is free". FML

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By - 20/12/2019 20:00

Christmas pictures

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

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By A - 4/6/2011 19:48 - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/3/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

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By W1D0 - 20/8/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2014 22:30 - United States - Phillipsburg

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

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By JZ - 30/10/2009 13:34 - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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By 1nfected - 26/8/2009 17:07 - Canada

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous co-worker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added the color was fitting perfectly with my acne... I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

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By :( - 27/4/2011 06:54

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend and told him how smitten I was with him. He responded by giving me a wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 05:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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By mala_19 - 12/6/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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By Elephant1718 - 12/6/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 20:28 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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By erianne - 7/5/2018 15:00

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By Bookworm - 5/6/2013 17:02 - United Kingdom - Singapore

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

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By n0taplumber - 16/11/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ends the conversation with "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "Thats great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

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By lisahb - 19/6/2012 22:16 - United States - Detroit

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 10:51 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

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By hahahehehohohoo - 7/2/2009 03:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

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By WatchOut - 16/8/2013 16:04 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

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Top comments

By Battledog5006 | 0

#2164414 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

grow a pair pussy

By luchie_fml | 0

#2164428 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:35

well have fun paying for another pair, op

next time, grow a pair and speak up!

COMMENTS

By SpicyGrass | 0

#2164410 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:32

Ha-ha

anonnie | 0

#2164419 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

Will grow a pair and speak up!!

SpicyGrass | 0

#2164427 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:34

No, I'm good.

11colio11 | 4

#2164525 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:07

状函训七

sofiaxxcreeper | 0

#2164647 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:46

what?......

iBanana | 17

#2165224 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:42

Was the guy big?

rebekahmarie | 0

#2165464 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 16:17

Um, why not? YDI

humzizzl3 | 0

#2169313 - Thursday 10 March 2011 19:34

perfect example of a busy

By Battledog5006 | 0

#2164414 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:33

grow a pair pussy

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2164503 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:57

What's a "pair pussy"? And how would one go about growing one?

Bubblerider | 3

#2164551 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:12

That's not what he meant. He should have said "Grow a pair, pussy."

I_R_Genius | 3

#2164565 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:16

#21, Do you not understand sarcasm? Apparently you don't with your feeble mind.

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2164601 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:29

^ Do you know what sarcasm means?
It was a joke, not sarcasm. Not by definition, at least, don't know about the intention.

Sheepish | 0

#2164650 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:47

I'm really confused now, I thought he meant "Grow a pair of glasses."

MrLaryRottweila | 1

#2164722 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:15

I think he meant a pair of glasses

YayaInLalaLand | 0

#2164831 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 11:47

Unfortunately, he doesn't know proper grammar. Remember kids, would you rather say "Let's eat, grandma." or "Let's eat, grandma."?

Jackmangold | 0

#2164908 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 12:15

if your uncle jack was stuck on an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off the elephant?

rallets | 22

#2165016 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 13:03

could be worse, it could be "lets eat out grandma"

cole86 | 0

#2165074 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 13:29

amazing

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2165138 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:00

51 wins lmao :D

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2165636 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 17:40

this game of telephone *really* sucks.

|the kid|

tattortotamus | 0

#2167255 - Thursday 10 March 2011 7:07

23- you have the best picture! Hahaha, I laughed so hard. (: good job.
51- that was pretty freaking hilarious too!

Bubblerider | 3

#2167416 - Thursday 10 March 2011 8:41

Just making sure, because half the people on here aren't being sarcastic and really don't get it.

NeilGnR | 0

#2167989 - Thursday 10 March 2011 12:28

#86 Punctuation goes INSIDE the quotation marks. She was right. You lose!

ugwmii | 0

#2170952 - Friday 11 March 2011 3:37

aren't we talking balls here?

sototallyawesome | 0

#2181202 - Monday 14 March 2011 18:58

punctuation goes inside quote marks.

By luchie_fml | 0

#2164428 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:35

well have fun paying for another pair, op

next time, grow a pair and speak up!

MyTwoCents_ | 0

#2165521 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 16:41

that's what she said!

ijrnelson | 0

#2165576 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 17:10

the devil woman raises a good point

By gonzaval | 0

#2164432 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:36

YDI

By colormeorange | 0

#2164440 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:37

near sighted or far sighted?

colormeorange | 0

#2164448 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:39

Omg cool, I didn't know female comments go through without moderation :<

i_love_grrr | 0

#2164562 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:14

Wtf? lol

kinggajabha | 0

#2164777 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 10:43

test

randomgf | 0

#2165288 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 15:14

If comments had to be moderated before they were posted, more than half would not make it ( especially the ones with bad grammar).

By Bofopio | 0

#2164465 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:46

sounds FISHY

By TalkSick | 2

#2164467 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:46

I wonder why op had his glasses off in the first place in a public bathroom. ydi

phatdaddy62 | 23

#2164603 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:31

He was going blind because of what he was doing in there.

By SarahStarzz | 0

#2164478 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:50

wow OP it's ur fault YDI
u should've called -.-

By MyMuse7 | 0

#2164534 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:10

Wow it's not an FML if you could have done something abt it - but that's just my opinion :-)

By FYLDeep | 25

#2164573 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:19

Looks like someone just...
*puts on glasses*
stole your glasses
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2164611 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:32

*steals your glasses*
Now what? Huh? HUH?! Not so cool now, are you?

I chose this reply over the "OP wishes he could still do that.." one.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2165654 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 17:45

this is fucking perfect.

|the kid|

IIRoxieII | 12

#4846610 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 5:04

24 - You sir, just made my day