Today, I accidentally connected my phone to my mum's headphones... - FML

By Shrekkk

Today, I accidentally connected my phone to my mum's headphones while watching porn. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Vibe check

Parental guilt

By brunetteshavemorefun - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML

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By egghead - United Kingdom

Today, I was introducing my American cousin to the peaceful English village I live in. Just as I was reassuring her that the people were very friendly and welcoming, a car drove past and pelted us with eggs. FML

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By Thanks dicks

Today, I got naked in front of a girl for the first time. Too bad it happened when my "friends" pulled down my swimsuit at a party. Everyone saw my penis. I got a boner. FML

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By Bad friend - 19/12/2020 02:04 - United States

Entitled

Today, after I'd mailed my friend her Christmas gifts since we can’t see each other, she called me ranting because the gift I sent her dog only cost $5. According to her, that means I must not really care as her dog is her “baby”. I bought gifts for all 5 of her kids. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By tdizzlehi - 28/8/2020 02:00 - United States - Boston

Won't someone think of the economy?

Today, after coming out of a meeting during which I promised my employees better wages, I was met at the door by my CEO telling me to lay off all the employees I just talked to. FML

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By CamoElla - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

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By EconM - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

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By Cam - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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By oxbbabexo - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By madbabynoel - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

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By yeyt209 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By Bitch its me - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Jerry

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

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By startingover - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schenectady

Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

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By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

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By Ferniferousfern

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

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By heartattack

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

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By n0taplumber - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By kylie18xx21 - United States

Today, I had to leave my ACT prep class ten minutes in to pick up my drunken father from his best friend's baby shower. I picked him up along with a bill for the damage. FML

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By 4themoneh - United States

Today, I arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work, so I decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car. I woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By thedeerman - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By Jakesssss - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By ManInTrouble - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

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By motheroftwo - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7817372 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 7:49

If it happened to be MILF porn, you might have opened Pandora’s box, so to speak.

(I hope your mom’s name is not Pandora.)

By alycion | 38

#7817446 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 11:24

Always see where the sound is going before pushing play.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7817372 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 7:49

If it happened to be MILF porn, you might have opened Pandora’s box, so to speak.

(I hope your mom’s name is not Pandora.)

By alycion | 38

#7817446 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 11:24

Always see where the sound is going before pushing play.

By dumbassbitc4 | 3

#7817975 - Wednesday 3 July 2019 23:39

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