Miscellaneous: Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Late term

Jealousy

By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By sllaggy

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By Blindsided

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 18:02 - Philippines - Quezon City

Happy Birthday baby!

Today, it's my birthday. My parents wished me a happy one via text message. We live in the same house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

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By janesays - United States

Today, my 2 year old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

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By koletatlow19 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally felt better after having the flu for two weeks. I decided to do some much-needed cleaning that I hadn't been able to do while sick. I tripped over my rug and broke my ankle. FML

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By sadpoorlady - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

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By SmileEveryday - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

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By Shady_Soldier - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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By Anonymous

Underestimated overachiever

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By skidoosh - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

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By ooops - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By please stay on the line

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

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By Phoellie - United Kingdom

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

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By YankeeDoodle - Australia

Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By allwrong - Australia

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

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By -_- - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

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By Jaybird1587 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

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By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

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By Sadandphoneless

Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until i realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML

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By LordCrafte - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2020 20:02

Wrap it

Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML

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By John - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By hopeless - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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Top comments

By ashleynonymous | 0

#763588 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:31

What is with mom's telling their kids they're ugly nowadays? What happened to the days when ugly people could always expect to hear they're not ugly from their mom?

By me5 | 0

#763653 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:55

Tell her everybody says you got her looks!

COMMENTS

By jjcastillo | 0

#763581 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:27

Damn, your mom's a biatch

By shyam513 | 13

#763587 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:30

your mum is seriously a jerk - if she likes those kids so much she should be happy you're their friend. Oh BTW - First!

passwordis_fml | 2

#763604 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:39

dumbass

By ashleynonymous | 0

#763588 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:31

What is with mom's telling their kids they're ugly nowadays? What happened to the days when ugly people could always expect to hear they're not ugly from their mom?

Tigg3r | 3

#764738 - Saturday 9 January 2010 21:24

it stopped three generations ago...

By CallMeHush | 0

#763650 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:54

You must have been wearing that sweater she hates or was it that your nice neck tattoo was showing?

By me5 | 0

#763653 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:55

Tell her everybody says you got her looks!

BangOut | 2

#763787 - Saturday 9 January 2010 12:04

And then her mother could tell her that she got adopted :)) Best comeback ever possible

Aceage | 0

#764769 - Saturday 9 January 2010 21:46

Lol..

By jair_lhao | 0

#763655 - Saturday 9 January 2010 9:56

lmao!! #2 you fail!!! jajajaja

By tyrob911 | 0

#763683 - Saturday 9 January 2010 10:12

haha #6 I'm liking your comment. can't stop laughing

By lettertjes | 0

#763698 - Saturday 9 January 2010 10:25

Either she is a bitch or she was just playing around with you. I think the latter is more probable.

Although people should know teenagers can't stand it when their parents make fun of them, even if it's meant well.

By rooskieroo | 0

#763721 - Saturday 9 January 2010 10:41

hah..i agree with #6

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#763884 - Saturday 9 January 2010 13:30

@ # 6 lol thatz agreeable lol :)