Miscellaneous: Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped... - FML

By chloecamp - 15/07/2014 03:35 - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 162

You deserved it 4 233

Mother of the year

Batman

When nature calls

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 587

You deserved it 35 700

By Anonymous - 13/06/2014 22:06 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 304

You deserved it 4 344

By good husband - 30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 773

You deserved it 4 599

By moronicmoroccan - 22/01/2009 23:26 - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 472

You deserved it 2 558

By harry - 04/12/2009 05:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 925

You deserved it 5 190

By poopiter - 27/07/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 881

You deserved it 4 745

By Jobless in Seattle - 05/05/2015 02:08 - United States - Katy

Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 564

You deserved it 30 358

By goodbyepromotion - 30/08/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 512

You deserved it 41 775

By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 2 275

By bbt - 18/08/2018 22:00

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 274

You deserved it 310

By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 651

You deserved it 9 086

By Face_loser - 24/11/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 374

You deserved it 5 223

By Glassless - 26/05/2017 20:00

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 074

You deserved it 468

By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - 03/03/2014 22:35 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 152

You deserved it 9 576

By Anonymous - 24/09/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 800

You deserved it 2 650

By marriageblows - 22/01/2012 02:18 - United States

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 053

You deserved it 3 844

Shot

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 20:13 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 012

You deserved it 29 536

By the other guy? - 29/03/2014 21:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 521

You deserved it 19 700

By S. Tucker - 07/06/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 755

You deserved it 3 594

By thefailwhale - 16/06/2012 04:58 - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 967

You deserved it 5 311

By makayta - 08/10/2016 06:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 767

You deserved it 3 756

By Jessie - 05/07/2011 16:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 598

You deserved it 4 623

By ForeverAGirlfriend - 13/06/2016 04:40 - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 980

You deserved it 3 167

By WTF, guys? - 26/08/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 377

You deserved it 4 135

By Anonymous - 31/01/2010 10:16 - United States

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 728

You deserved it 13 768

By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 938

You deserved it 5 311

Mirror, mirror

By Anonymous - 21/08/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 206

So beautiful!

By JerryClark - 02/02/2020 14:00 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 799

You deserved it 508

By TheNerd - 12/05/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 9 771

By Jakub89 - 05/06/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 998

You deserved it 7 562

By qwerty - 27/11/2018 22:08

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 17

By CARnage - 21/05/2010 10:11 - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 348

You deserved it 23 615

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 893

You deserved it 56 361

By f*ck - 06/03/2015 17:41 - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 695

You deserved it 19 672

By dileigh - 10/03/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 136

You deserved it 3 614

By Worthless Waste of Skin Who Hates Himself - 30/04/2016 12:59 - Georgia - Tbilisi

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to this coworker I like and ask her out for a coffee next door. She was dismissive, cold and rude, and filed a complaint with HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 495

You deserved it 2 219

By Anonymous - 21/07/2014 15:58 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 518

You deserved it 22 187

By Stupid - 22/04/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 008

You deserved it 5 235

By TT - 19/04/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 607

You deserved it 2 580

By Kat - 22/06/2009 02:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 901

You deserved it 5 169

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:55

Well , you are fucked fyl

music_is_life22 12

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:55

That does come across as very suspicious, sorry op): at least your house isn't vandalized

Comments

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:55

Well , you are fucked fyl

KittenSandwich 9

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:57

If they can't prove any evidence you're ok!

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:58

His neighbors might hate and maybe vandalize his house , so don't just assume they'd be ok

sjbartholome 14

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 19:33

If they do that then they will have to pay for it. Revenge isn't free!

sjbartholome 14

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 19:35

Apparently you are fucked because no proof = guilty.

ohcheriecherie 20

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 20:52

I'm sure some people will count the fact that OP was the only one unvandalized as proof.

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 22:09

Well, it's somewhat hard to blame the neighbours though. Logic suggests that OP was in on it even that he's not. But maybe he just haven't found the massive turd the vandals laid in his shed. Once that is found they'll believe OP

mz135 12

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 22:32

I'm sorry. Just explain to them that you would never do that.

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 22:48

#46 I would never make a pointlessly rhetorical comment.

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 5:27

You are innocent until proven guilty, they have no proof he did it.

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 6:02

Even though the neighbors can't prove it doesn't mean the OP isn't going to be hated by his neighbors. You're innocent until proven guilty in the eyes of the law, but not so much with people. Hope it works out somehow, OP!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 6:23

Let the Purge commence...

diosadelmasaje 8

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 7:37

Guess OP has work to do tonight. Set your mailbox on fire or something that will cause post-fake-vandalism attention by the whole block. Get grandma out in the yard crying with firefighters. .. its the only way.

pitapizzaparty 18

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Monday 21 July 2014 8:10

You just did

399 41

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:57

To funny #1 to funny.

399 41

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:04

Lol sure is.

music_is_life22 12

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:55

That does come across as very suspicious, sorry op): at least your house isn't vandalized

football98_fml 20

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 18:00

I'd rather have my house vandalized than have the whole neighborhood hate me. One of her neighbors are bound to vandalize her house for thinking she vandalized theirs

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 20:17

How about you beat them to it and vandalize your house before they do. That'll show 'em!

kingdomgirl94 28

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 22:05

Just explain that it would be stupid and obvious to vandalise every house except your own if you were the one who did it, and that its more likely that someone wants you blamed.

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:56

Tell them to prove it!

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:56

Write "IT WASN'T ME" in the same colour paint across your garage door. That will make them believe you for sure!

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 20:39

That's actually a good idea.

BSnapZ 21

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 21:37

#27 No, it's not.

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 4:16

#27 You're kidding right?

23lf 16

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 5:41

You make me scared for our new generation.

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 22:22

like that would work

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:56

Well that is pretty suspicious.....

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 15:43

no, it's genius. from the vandals

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Saturday 19 July 2014 8:12

Only an idiot would vandalize everyone else but leave their house fine. OP should probably explain that to the neighbors, that could possibly help.

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Saturday 19 July 2014 8:27

You're assuming that the neighbors think that the OP isn't an idiot. Which isn't really a good assumption.

399 41

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:01

I know right.

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:57

should have trashed your own place then i guess... no, but they are going to hate you now

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:57

The perfect crime.

football98_fml 20

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 17:58

Well that really sucks... FYL

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 18:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 19 August 2015 21:01

Why does your comment have so may negative votes?

399 41

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Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:00

Who knows.

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Tuesday 15 July 2014 18:04

Suspiiiiiciouss!!!

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 17

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 101