Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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Everyone's an expert

Caught red-handed

Freak out

By zomg - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

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By fml9124 - 14/11/2020 11:02

The long goodbye

Today, my 79-year-old mom who has Alzheimer's fondly remembered all the wild sex she had with me back in the 1960s. I wasn't born then. She thinks I'm my dad, who died 15 years ago. In all of our conversations now, she talks to me as if she is talking to her husband and some of the talks turn racy. FML

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By Tragics - Canada

Today, my date sent me a text saying "I'm sorry we're running late, we will be there shortly." I replied asking what she meant by "we". She said her parents, who were coming along to chaperone. I laughed about two 27 year olds having chaperones, until she walked in with her parents. FML

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By kayak probs - United States - Newtown

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

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By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

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By poopcoloredeyes - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

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By Insane Guy - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

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By mog907 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a 2nd degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML

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By bee - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

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By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

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By lapines01

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

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By fucking hell my eyes burn - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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By In Pain - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By yeahthatsme - United States

Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

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By Average - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her "dumb" students answered a test question. Everyone laughed as she wrote out the students answer, including myself, until I looked down at my answer sheet and saw that I submitted an identical answer. FML

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By ModernCindy - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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By those_allergies - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

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By Anonymous

The Girl Can't Help It

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By Deceptive Dog 1242 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By Haley. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

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By okaythen - United States - Arcata

Today, I got written up by HR after my new coworker told them I had an ignorant, offensive caricature of Native American people decorating my desk. It was a framed photograph of an actual Native American tribe that belonged to my history buff grandfather. FML

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By snoozlagist - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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Top comments

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

COMMENTS

By thundercats29 | 0

#788284 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First comment

Reply

Hanban | 0

#788473 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:51

Thank you for pointing that out. And wow. Use it as a grudge when he decides that you two get frisky.

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#790111 - Friday 22 January 2010 4:46

maybe u should get more sexually appealing!!!!!!!

Reply

loveconverse | 0

#790242 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:44

I totaly agree with # 18

Reply

#891098 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:56

HEY WAIT A SECOND! King of Queens is a hilerious show lol and the girl Kerry is HOT HOT HOT. Mabye your just not so atrative. =(

Reply

cheapshoes13 | 0

#989849 - Sunday 9 May 2010 20:47

60 is a douch n I think ur bf is gay

Reply

only1eminem | 0

#1101513 - Saturday 17 July 2010 15:33

why r some guys so stupid

Reply

willou35_fml | 13

#2681578 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 22:21

ll

Reply

Dragokillz | 0

#3708670 - Saturday 10 December 2011 1:59

Maybe you just can't spell.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5136764 - Sunday 11 November 2012 8:47

Everyone telling OP to dump him is an idiot. Not everyone constantly wants to have sex, unlike some people whom I find annoying and clingy.

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788285 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First and lmfao!!!!

Reply

Metallica139 | 0

#788318 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:35

Fail

By thundercats29 | 0

#788297 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:16

Nooo I got first. I win. :D

Reply

cureemu | 3

#976272 - Thursday 8 April 2010 9:15

good job

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

Reply

vetter_fml | 0

#788484 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:56

A guy should never choose reruns over his girlfriend. S'just bad practice.

By Cartain | 0

#788328 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:41

Is he still your boyfriend? If so, YDI.

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5673744 - Sunday 15 September 2013 0:23

I hope you're kidding ...

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#788331 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:42

not really an FML...your guy is just an ass for wanting to see something he has already seen and not spend alittle quailty time with you

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6306383 - Sunday 31 May 2015 12:01

expecially friends

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788342 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:55

@5 No it wasn't much of fail. GTG lmao

Reply

titan87 | 0

#2266717 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 10:15

2nd place is always fail

By taycandy96 | 2

#788370 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

10th cool...anyways hahahahaha

By 48Connor | 10

#788371 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

beat his ass