Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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Caught red-handed

Who's a good boy?

Headache

By Toodamnold - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I was once again escorted out of a supermarket by a police officer. I must be the only 83-year-old who still has his marbles, but people always assume I am senile and wandering from a care center. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2013 06:15 - United States - San Diego

Today, while I was working, someone came in and attempted to purchase GTA 5 with a medical marijuana card. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - 4/3/2011 20:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 02:25 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for smiling and laughing too much. Last week, he reprimanded me for not smiling and laughing enough. FML

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By ServingYouWings - 12/2/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I greeted my table (I'm a server) with a colloquial "Hey there, guys, how's it going?" The customers were three butch lesbians who thought I was incorrectly identifying their gender. I received no tip (on a $35 bill), and they registered a corporate complaint about my "insensitivity." FML

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By unknown - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By Me myself & I - 19/4/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

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By mrdave - 4/7/2009 05:54 - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 00:37 - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By AnnieThrax - 18/9/2012 04:35 - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By jonhapimp - 21/8/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2011 01:27 - United States

Today, my dad forgot me at cross country practice. When he got there two hours late, instead of apologizing, he said, "Hey, that's only the third time I've forgotten you at practice. You should be congratulating me." FML

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By Taylor - 30/7/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By Lady Madeira von Cuntshunt - 21/3/2014 20:46 - United States - Denver

Today, I received my employee ID, which I have to wear at all times at my new job. The only problem is that in my photo, I look like a donkey having a seizure. Customers keep snickering at it, and my boss thinks I posed like that deliberately. FML

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By a stupid jackass - 22/6/2012 01:28 - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 20:31 - United Kingdom - Truro

Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

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By Jean - 22/12/2011 08:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

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By iAMloud - 19/3/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

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By poolboy - 14/4/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I was working as a swim instructor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 05:35

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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By scheisse - 14/7/2013 21:25 - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

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By notmyrealname123 - 25/8/2014 00:08 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML

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By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

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By locked out - 27/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 16:19 - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By 2old4thiscrap - 8/12/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Helmet - 20/10/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

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By StabStab - 11/1/2015 13:03 - Belgium

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/9/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By too tight - 15/2/2012 11:26 - United States

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 23:02

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

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By fuggers :/ - 24/11/2013 21:38 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

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By bubba - 17/10/2011 10:02 - China

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years felt comfortable enough with me to disclose that he had previously spent 4 years in a mental institute because he tried to kill his mother. He also told me we will be together forever. I'm scared. FML

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Top comments

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

Comments

By thundercats29 | 0

#788284 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First comment

Reply

Hanban | 0

#788473 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:51

Thank you for pointing that out. And wow. Use it as a grudge when he decides that you two get frisky.

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#790111 - Friday 22 January 2010 4:46

maybe u should get more sexually appealing!!!!!!!

Reply

loveconverse | 0

#790242 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:44

I totaly agree with # 18

Reply

Yankeepunk | 0

#891098 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:56

HEY WAIT A SECOND! King of Queens is a hilerious show lol and the girl Kerry is HOT HOT HOT. Mabye your just not so atrative. =(

Reply

cheapshoes13 | 0

#989849 - Sunday 9 May 2010 20:47

60 is a douch n I think ur bf is gay

Reply

only1eminem | 0

#1101513 - Saturday 17 July 2010 15:33

why r some guys so stupid

Reply

willou35_fml | 13

#2681578 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 22:21

ll

Reply

Dragokillz | 0

#3708670 - Saturday 10 December 2011 1:59

Maybe you just can't spell.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5136764 - Sunday 11 November 2012 8:47

Everyone telling OP to dump him is an idiot. Not everyone constantly wants to have sex, unlike some people whom I find annoying and clingy.

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788285 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First and lmfao!!!!

Reply

Metallica139 | 0

#788318 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:35

Fail

By thundercats29 | 0

#788297 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:16

Nooo I got first. I win. :D

Reply

cureemu | 3

#976272 - Thursday 8 April 2010 9:15

good job

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

Reply

vetter_fml | 0

#788484 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:56

A guy should never choose reruns over his girlfriend. S'just bad practice.

By Cartain | 0

#788328 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:41

Is he still your boyfriend? If so, YDI.

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5673744 - Sunday 15 September 2013 0:23

I hope you're kidding ...

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#788331 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:42

not really an FML...your guy is just an ass for wanting to see something he has already seen and not spend alittle quailty time with you

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 31

#6306383 - Sunday 31 May 2015 12:01

expecially friends

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788342 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:55

@5 No it wasn't much of fail. GTG lmao

Reply

titan87 | 0

#2266717 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 10:15

2nd place is always fail

By taycandy96 | 2

#788370 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

10th cool...anyways hahahahaha

By 48Connor | 10

#788371 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

beat his ass