Intimacy: Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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Instadrama

Rock, hard place

BO Central

By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By ugh - United States - Easthampton

Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad came to drive me home. On the way back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML

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By colorblind - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

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By blech - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

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By catcraze - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

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By sillyrabbit - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

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By Anonymous

Framed

Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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By slenderman908 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

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By Maxie-Nathanial - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 08:08

Dead wrong

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

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By over_protected - Canada

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn't answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I'm in college and also don't live with them anymore. FML

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 05:02

Alexa, play "Glad to be Unhappy" by The Mamas & The Papas

Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By CAchickadee - United States

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML

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By cheersdaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By Devon - United States

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

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By notsohappilyeverafter - United States

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

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By Flattie

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

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By adriana - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By anonymouss - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By great.

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By Kaganate - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

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By animal lover...

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

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By Delilah - Norway

Today, I was at the gym with my boyfriend. He is a bit feminine, but it has never really bothered me. Until I realised I was lifting heavier weights than he was. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed a spot on my leg that I wanted a closer look at. I went to put my phone screen towards it for more lighting while my sister was in front of me, looking. I'm pretty sure she saw my nude that I forgot was on the screen. FML

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By unacceptable - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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Top comments

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

COMMENTS

By thundercats29 | 0

#788284 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First comment

Reply

Hanban | 0

#788473 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:51

Thank you for pointing that out. And wow. Use it as a grudge when he decides that you two get frisky.

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#790111 - Friday 22 January 2010 4:46

maybe u should get more sexually appealing!!!!!!!

Reply

loveconverse | 0

#790242 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:44

I totaly agree with # 18

Reply

Yankeepunk | 0

#891098 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:56

HEY WAIT A SECOND! King of Queens is a hilerious show lol and the girl Kerry is HOT HOT HOT. Mabye your just not so atrative. =(

Reply

cheapshoes13 | 0

#989849 - Sunday 9 May 2010 20:47

60 is a douch n I think ur bf is gay

Reply

only1eminem | 0

#1101513 - Saturday 17 July 2010 15:33

why r some guys so stupid

Reply

willou35_fml | 13

#2681578 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 22:21

ll

Reply

Dragokillz | 0

#3708670 - Saturday 10 December 2011 1:59

Maybe you just can't spell.

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5136764 - Sunday 11 November 2012 8:47

Everyone telling OP to dump him is an idiot. Not everyone constantly wants to have sex, unlike some people whom I find annoying and clingy.

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788285 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:11

First and lmfao!!!!

Reply

Metallica139 | 0

#788318 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:35

Fail

By thundercats29 | 0

#788297 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:16

Nooo I got first. I win. :D

Reply

cureemu | 3

#976272 - Thursday 8 April 2010 9:15

good job

By supmofukka | 0

#788308 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:26

dont get in between a guy and tv or videogames unless ur angelina jolie hot or a complete freak in the bed. otherwise contain urself for those 30 mins.

Reply

vetter_fml | 0

#788484 - Thursday 21 January 2010 14:56

A guy should never choose reruns over his girlfriend. S'just bad practice.

By Cartain | 0

#788328 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:41

Is he still your boyfriend? If so, YDI.

Reply

michelleJ11 | 25

#5673744 - Sunday 15 September 2013 0:23

I hope you're kidding ...

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#788331 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:42

not really an FML...your guy is just an ass for wanting to see something he has already seen and not spend alittle quailty time with you

By DynamicDave | 11

#788334 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:47

It's probably because you don't know the difference between "of" and "off."

Also, sitcom episodes never get old!

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6306383 - Sunday 31 May 2015 12:01

expecially friends

By xlostwithoutu | 0

#788342 - Thursday 21 January 2010 12:55

@5 No it wasn't much of fail. GTG lmao

Reply

titan87 | 0

#2266717 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 10:15

2nd place is always fail

By taycandy96 | 2

#788370 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

10th cool...anyways hahahahaha

By 48Connor | 10

#788371 - Thursday 21 January 2010 13:40

beat his ass