Love: Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can... - FML

By redneckpunk - 16/03/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 595

You deserved it 2 665

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Beyond help

By Anonymous - 03/04/2015 18:43 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 725

You deserved it 2 488

By Anonymous - 02/01/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction in size from changing my diet and working out isn't my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 268

You deserved it 3 264

By Filingfordivorce - 18/05/2017 16:00

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 203

You deserved it 405

By disfunctionalfamily - 27/04/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 747

You deserved it 4 589

By Fauxgeek - 28/06/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 305

You deserved it 3 357

By DaveAlmighty - 24/04/2012 23:59 - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 185

You deserved it 3 305

By stupidbug. - 09/04/2012 08:28 - Canada

Today, I thought it would be funny to pee on a small bug in the toilet. A much larger bug thought it would be funny to fly into my eye while I was doing this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 952

You deserved it 36 901

By geli - 09/08/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 700

You deserved it 1 413

By Anonymous - 06/05/2016 18:02 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 274

You deserved it 2 125

By nitwit - 08/09/2009 12:29 - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 274

You deserved it 79 224

Grammar rules, OK!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 12:11 - United States

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 037

You deserved it 9 360

By ssondik - 22/06/2015 00:50 - United States - Hebron

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 000

You deserved it 5 146

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 07:20 - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 826

You deserved it 2 317

By DesperateBich - 28/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 042

You deserved it 211

Just ask

By Messy love life - 19/02/2021 12:31 - India

Spicy

Today, I casually hooked up with a guy with no strings attached. Later, we had a great conversation and I suddenly realized that I have feelings for him. He wants nothing even close to a relationship and probably doesn't like me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 387

You deserved it 1 214

A slight hiccup

By maddie - 14/03/2021 21:30

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 39

By suckstobeme - 16/04/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 979

You deserved it 8 771

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 15:58 - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 964

You deserved it 19 552

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 08:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 243

You deserved it 5 564

By random - 23/10/2013 22:41 - United States - Amarillo

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 107

You deserved it 2 585

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 857

You deserved it 8 237

By meh - 31/10/2016 15:43

Today, at work, a guy tried to buy me for a dollar. I've only been there a week and it's the third time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 293

You deserved it 703

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 18:00

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 270

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 00:45 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 522

You deserved it 2 782

By banana_tree - 21/04/2014 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 373

You deserved it 11 536

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 291

You deserved it 82 993

By sadsadteacher - 05/12/2016 21:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 400

You deserved it 664

By Whyme - 09/01/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 216

You deserved it 6 473

By Ew-dles - 09/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 375

You deserved it 604

By heyyoitsapotato - 31/05/2013 02:35 - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 025

You deserved it 3 286

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 658

You deserved it 3 560

By Aleial - 19/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 404

You deserved it 4 038

Happy Holidays!

By dazedandconfused - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss, who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Year's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 629

You deserved it 569

By namhtor - 28/09/2009 19:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 372

You deserved it 6 715

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 831

You deserved it 6 739

By Mike Polk - 03/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 108

You deserved it 5 900

By ScaryOldMan - 07/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 552

You deserved it 13 214

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Spicy

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 226

You deserved it 3 556

By badcook - 24/09/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 632

You deserved it 3 498

By disappointmentafter4years - 12/04/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 271

You deserved it 3 704

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Top comments

TheFangedDonut 13

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:05

I hope you SEIZE control of those hiccups! Anyone? No? Ok

Send a private message

Monday 16 March 2015 22:03

Well hopefully they go away, but I won't hold my breath.

Comments

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:03

Well hopefully they go away, but I won't hold my breath.

pimrol 16

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:39

or you can be that unlucky guy that becomes the world record holder of longest consecutive hiccups (right now its over 20 years consecutive)

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 3:43

#15, Isn't there a guy who hiccuped for 68 years straight though?

KingBobtheThird 16

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 4:29

33, it was actually 69 years. No joke.

psychopolarbear 28

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 4:34

69 years? That sounds like a very long time to be that deep in the pits of hiccup hell.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 5:34

I absolutely hate the hiccups! I can't imagine having them for longer than 15 minutes let alone years. It's a wonder those people didn't go insane.

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Friday 17 April 2015 23:52

Somebody Osborn hiccuped for 68 or 86 years i believe

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:04

Well at least you didn't choke or seize. All you had was a embarrassing situation that everyone will forget, or remember forever.

pwnman 33

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:04

Just give her a HICkey later to make it up!

shutupshane12 12

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 14:16

I don't think you are on the same page

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:05

I hate the hiccups! One time, my professor asked me to leave the room because they kept interrupting him!

TheFangedDonut 13

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:05

I hope you SEIZE control of those hiccups! Anyone? No? Ok

thefmlman2011 35

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 6:29

I get it. i chuckled

delude 26

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:06

Unless you were flailing around or something, I really don't get how a hiccup could be mistake for a seizure

tournamentdecide 33

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:12

Typically hiccups make you twitch or jerk. Most people haven't seen seizures and probably jumped to conclusions.

michaelm1290 23

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:41

6, just a little fyi--not every seizure is the stereotypical "flopping around like a fish" type seizure (tonic-clonic seizures). For example, look into absence seizures, which often simply involves staring spells. Also, there are seizures that involve just a muscle jerk (myoclonic seizure).

cek727 16

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:52

I've had people think that my fainting spells are seizures. Embarrassing. Most aren't truly educated on what kinds of seizures there are and what the signs are for each type. They base it on what they see on TV.

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:07

Well I assume you didn't take your leisurely time while in your state of panic ;)

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 0:01

What?

hanselleemoss 6

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:07

If she's the one who thought you were having a seizure, It's kind of sweet that your girlfriend cares about you that much to worry. (:

flamingarrow59 21

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 2:14

you would have to be pretty cold hearted not care if you saw someone having a seizure

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Tuesday 17 March 2015 7:13

That's not sweet, that's common decency, she's be a bit of a mole if she didn't help

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:09

My mother gets the worst hiccups. I swear you can hear them echo down the road. Hopefully yours weren't anything more than one loud "HUP", OP. But by the sounds of it that wasn't the case :P

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Monday 16 March 2015 22:14

Wow they must be one hell of a hiccup!!! What happens when you orgasm? Do they call an ambulance?

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 24

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 274