Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift,... - FML

By cstokes - 5/5/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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Compassion

Banished

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 19:10 - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 10:36 - South Africa

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

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By Too available to be sexy - 4/5/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By benoit - 15/3/2013 12:35 - France

Today, I walked into work, a day after losing my shit with our systems admin, due to her taking ages to enable my new email account. I was soon bitched out, warned, and suspended over several lewd emails having been sent overnight from my account to various female co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 16:00

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By benji - 1/11/2011 19:02 - United States

Today, I was hurriedly doing laundry. I threw a second load in the dryer and slammed the door shut. All of a sudden, I heard scratching and whining coming from the dryer. My cat probably hates me now. FML

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By Kath - 8/2/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

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By Shane - 8/2/2011 07:58

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML

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By fml - 22/5/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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By Sergie - 4/6/2010 09:28 - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

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By why me? - 11/3/2014 07:21 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By luni - 26/6/2011 21:17 - United Kingdom

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

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By musicgod123 - 29/12/2010 16:56 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By dmvfail - 15/9/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

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By murphy22 - 24/8/2012 09:33 - United States - Norman

Today, I was taking a relaxing bath. My cat decided to sit on the ledge, which is normal for her, but today she fell in. I never knew how painful it was to be scratched down there until today. FML

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By S. Michaels - 14/3/2012 15:17 - United States

Today, I was chatting to a nice girl at the mall, and I said if she didn't get a raise, I would write to the management. She said they have no email address, and I replied that I meant an actual letter. "Like, on paper?" she said, "Damn, how old are ya, pops?" I want a ticket off this planet. FML

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By jessinono - 17/5/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

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By burn - 1/8/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML

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By ow - 4/9/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By Sebastian - 17/3/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2010 12:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I'm named after my dad's favourite drink. FML

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By lollipopp56 - 26/3/2009 06:09 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

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By vanorav - 18/3/2012 02:41 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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By DingusGinger - 21/4/2019 02:00

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

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By anonymous - 6/6/2013 04:14 - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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By newhostess - 11/4/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

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By rawdoglyfe69 - 17/4/2013 06:14 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 17:44 - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By Sickinbed - 7/6/2011 10:27 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By Tymer - 23/11/2012 15:56 - Canada - Malahat

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - 15/5/2014 05:40 - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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By ugh annoying - 1/7/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 14:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML

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By help me - 16/3/2016 01:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2013 16:53 - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

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Top comments

By Jimminee | 3

#2462869 - Thursday 5 May 2011 11:54

Totally a reason to set up ANOTHER party!

By ItsaMeLuigi | 6

#2462919 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:08

Don't kid yourself, you were never invited.

COMMENTS

By Jimminee | 3

#2462869 - Thursday 5 May 2011 11:54

Totally a reason to set up ANOTHER party!

Reply

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2463167 - Thursday 5 May 2011 13:41

agreed^

sorry you missed you're party though:(. that would suck. hopefully everyone who attended doesn't think you are a douchebag who ditched all of them.

Reply

kcluna | 6

#2464005 - Thursday 5 May 2011 17:40

I agree with #1
Just make sure that in the next party --it's your day off! :)

By DerangedKitten | 6

#2462879 - Thursday 5 May 2011 11:56

Fyl, that really sucks.

By junz_fml | 0

#2462897 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Mirorbo | 26

#2462906 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:05

It has nothing to do with OP not remembering. She was given more work hours than originally planned because there weren't enough staff members around.

Reply

mad_hatter0666 | 22

#2463046 - Thursday 5 May 2011 13:05

do you think this comment was aimed at the above FML about the homeschooled kid whose mom forgot what a verb is?

Reply

cptmorgan15 | 2

#2463210 - Thursday 5 May 2011 13:56

No. I just think this person has the reading comprehension skills of a dried up dog turd.

Reply

partygril378 | 0

#2464346 - Thursday 5 May 2011 20:05

ur funny!!and ur right!!

Reply

staceysgenesis16 | 0

#2466565 - Friday 6 May 2011 5:58

i dont think she really forgott lolol .. well mayb she did ahahaha idk but thatvreally really suxx :[

By TheWindowLicker | 13

#2462917 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:08

Maybe it was a shitty party!!!! xD. Parties are over rated, in my opinion anyway. They're not even that fun. But fyl, op.

Reply

iLazy | 0

#2463027 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:58

so you must be quite a killjoy to find parties over rated.

Reply

TheWindowLicker | 13

#2463104 - Thursday 5 May 2011 13:19

Not really, I have lots of friends from all different social cliques(sp?). I just don't go party with them. We go out and such to do other things, but I never go to the parties. I think you assumed to much from one thing O.o.

Reply

iLazy | 0

#2463139 - Thursday 5 May 2011 13:29

It is quite interesting how many ways one can look at a small amount of information. Am I sociopath for saying this?

By ItsaMeLuigi | 6

#2462919 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:08

Don't kid yourself, you were never invited.

By CateXOX | 0

#2462928 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:11

Don't get too upset over it, they probably had a better time without you anyway.

Reply

SpectSelf | 0

#2462998 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:48

damn that's funny

Reply

UAintGotNoSkillz | 6

#2464344 - Thursday 5 May 2011 20:05

8- I hope your saying from expretience

Reply

CateXOX | 0

#2465809 - Friday 6 May 2011 3:08

48-Many, many years of experience. Life is better when everyone hates you, don't you think?

By boygeorgebaby | 0

#2462931 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:12

That sucks OP. Did anyone call to see if you were coming to reschedule? I would be really pissed. I would say you should've just left but I know that's not how working works. Sorry, op. FYL.

By underguarded | 20

#2462989 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:46

This is plain cruel. At least parties can be rescheduled

By SpectSelf | 0

#2462991 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:46

Life's a bitch sometimes.

By zemma_soup | 0

#2463018 - Thursday 5 May 2011 12:54

was it a party for pants?

Reply

abeastmuffin | 1

#2463405 - Thursday 5 May 2011 15:22

anchorman reference FTW