Work: Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours... - FML

12/11/2010 07:06 - Canada

Spicy

Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then shows up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 587

You deserved it 5 033

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

No-life

30/01/2012 05:24 - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 248

You deserved it 3 932

01/07/2013 04:35 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to get new shoes. I'm a pretty tall girl and I have proportional feet. I asked the cute guy who worked there for a size 9.5. He burst into laughter before putting on a shocked face and saying, "Oh wait... You're serious." Goodbye, self esteem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 502

You deserved it 3 177

13/10/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 040

You deserved it 35 330

The Conquest of Bread

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 11:00 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, tickling each other. He grabbed my stomach roll and told me it looked like a baguette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 234

11/11/2015 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 261

You deserved it 2 108

17/06/2009 07:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 334

You deserved it 3 101

15/12/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 768

You deserved it 4 081

28/07/2009 18:59 - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 493

You deserved it 14 927

14/02/2019 15:00 - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 624

You deserved it 5 418

17/02/2010 08:15 - Australia

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 920

You deserved it 8 314

Thicker than blood

By fat fat fat fat fat - 23/03/2021 05:01

Today, despite the fact that I’ve been battling cancer for the past year and was hospitalized for Covid, all my family can talk about is how much weight I’ve gained. Yeah, not like being out of work, quarantined and on a ton of meds has anything to do with it. Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 73

27/06/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 122

You deserved it 8 238

08/02/2015 18:28 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 975

You deserved it 2 991

17/12/2018 22:00

Today, I fell asleep in the school bus on the way back home when my loud fart woke me and a few other kids up. I am a teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 339

You deserved it 350

10/08/2013 10:48 - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 550

You deserved it 12 239

01/01/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 667

You deserved it 3 406

Session done!

By Anonymous - 05/02/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 226

You deserved it 314

21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 3 893

04/08/2019 08:00 - Australia

Today, after a fun movie night, I found a note on my fridge saying, “It was delicious.” I don’t know what it is referring to, since nothing is missing and we didn’t eat anything during the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 101

06/08/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 189

06/09/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 350

You deserved it 53 635

22/10/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 698

You deserved it 39 850

15/03/2011 00:57 - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 868

You deserved it 11 342

22/08/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 181

You deserved it 321

20/07/2011 13:38 - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 521

You deserved it 3 965

11/03/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 828

You deserved it 20 215

06/08/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 666

You deserved it 289

31/08/2011 03:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 696

You deserved it 3 939

Little fella

By littlefella - 04/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Novato

Spicy

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 111

You deserved it 817

22/07/2016 19:19 - United States - Charlottesville

Spicy

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 727

You deserved it 2 362

11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 466

You deserved it 1 345

29/08/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 100

You deserved it 1 018

01/08/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 685

You deserved it 4 037

Check these out

By doubleds - 03/06/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 160

You deserved it 5 633

11/09/2013 09:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 952

You deserved it 3 724

22/04/2013 18:42 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 972

You deserved it 4 168

05/10/2015 09:57 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I've been in Bali for 12 days. We have done nothing but sit around because my whole family is sick, and they won't let me do anything because it's supposed to be a "family vacation". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 871

You deserved it 1 766

29/04/2009 00:05 - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 013

You deserved it 3 214

04/04/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 183

You deserved it 915

09/05/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 507

You deserved it 5 112

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Top comments

Quest_ 13

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:12

Poop usually comes FROM the asshole.

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:15

looks like you're -takes off shades- dealing with a shitty situation. YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Comments

rotaryvelocity 0

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:03

well did you do something to deserve that?

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:44

no body deserves to get their wallet stolen and shat in

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:52

Not even Osama?

DevianceIsBliss 0

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Friday 12 November 2010 13:17

What about Hitler?

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Friday 12 November 2010 13:27

What about Glenn Beck?

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Friday 12 November 2010 13:36

How about Ignorance? lolwutwhosaidthat :-)

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Friday 12 November 2010 15:16

How about Obama?

biass 0

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Friday 12 November 2010 15:53

How about Ash Ketchum?

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:00

I think I deserve it :/

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:02

lol, this is the second time I reply and get number 66 :)

RavenXRampage 1

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Friday 12 November 2010 17:22

Ash doesn't deserve that. Gary Motherfucking Oak on the other hand...

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Friday 12 November 2010 18:12

Gary Motherfucking Oak doesn't receive shit, he is the shit. Don't get them confused. He's the Chuck Norris of the pokemanz world. Ash can eat shit.

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Friday 12 November 2010 20:55

^win

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Saturday 13 November 2010 6:12

How about Twilighters?

I_Ate_The_Cookie 0

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Wednesday 19 October 2011 23:43

What about Rebecca Black?!?!?:o

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:03

wow that really sucks. oh well, free manure!! :D

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Tuesday 16 November 2010 7:33

:O yay! now you can have pretty flowers!

zeron 0

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:03

what?

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:03

I'm sorry that's so sad!!

m311 6

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:09

YDI for sleeping with your boss' wife!

domolovesyoshi 33

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Thursday 1 October 2015 5:50

How exactly do you know this, were you there? Are you psychic?

Quest_ 13

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:12

Poop usually comes FROM the asshole.

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:14

ha ha. OP should send it back and say "From the asshole."

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:18

lmao!! true!

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:40

lol @9, funny ;D

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Sunday 14 November 2010 8:38

#8 that was a very classy comment...i tip my hat to you sir

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:15

chin up, at least you got your wallet back lol

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:15

Are you sure it wasn't "From the asshole"?

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Friday 12 November 2010 13:54

Winzor.

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Friday 12 November 2010 20:53

joke was already made

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:15

looks like you're -takes off shades- dealing with a shitty situation. YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

PrincessRavishin 0

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:18

win!

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:18

Not again!! I hate these shitty jokes.

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:39

That wasn't even clever.

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Friday 12 November 2010 13:31

Marinus, the "shitty situation" jokes nearly made it into my rules. It was funny the first 3 times, faintly amusing the next 2, and now it's pedestrian and formulaic.

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Friday 12 November 2010 15:04

Why, oh why did you take your rules down? They summed up FML in a fun and amusing piece of writing. On a side note, I feel honored to be on your list. Yea, I used to find shitty jokes pretty funny, along with sammich and soviet Russia jokes, but they do get boring, overused and annoying after a while. We gotta come up with a new funky craze!

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 12 November 2010 15:08

We need an FML FAQ. You hear that, moderators??? FAQ Q!!!!! FAQ Q!!!!!

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Friday 12 November 2010 15:39

Marinus, I like to change things up to keep things interesting. I liked the rules too, and I still have them in my back pocket. Red, I'm secretly developing an unofficial FAQ. I'll probably get banned for it. You hear that mods? Come and get some!!

sherivengeance 3

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:03

hahaha, booya!

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:19

FAQ "Q"? What does the extra Q stand for? For a moment, I thought RPS was talking to me. And look! I made DocBastard's like list too.(: (I did love your rules also. I wouldn't mind scrolling down to see it if you had it on the bottom.) Marinus, I like that phase "new funky craze".

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:46

sourgirl- say "FAQ Q" out loud three times fast. Get it now ;) The rules are not dead, just on vacation. They have been replaced by the new Unofficial FML FAQ. Oh, and I really love Justin Bieber.

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Friday 12 November 2010 16:48

I got it. Funny!

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Friday 12 November 2010 19:34

Now the only question I have is, will the mod responsible for changing my comment to "I love Justin Bieber" admit to it? :)

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Friday 12 November 2010 12:15

yes. fyl.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 162

You deserved it 49

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 508