Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2018 15:00

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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By Nora - 12/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By superhero1043 - 14/5/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Innocent - 18/8/2016 23:03 - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By can you read? - 8/4/2016 19:55 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

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By Hayls5 - 4/7/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I was driving with a friend when we saw a wallet in the middle of his neighborhood road. When we picked it up, we saw it was loaded with cash. We drove to the mans house to return the wallet, and when we handed it to him he told us "I would give you a reward but I don't have any cash." FML

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By Boyufd - 22/4/2020 23:00

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By moweezy9 - 21/2/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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By RedEye - 11/7/2017 17:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my contact ripped in half in my eye. One half fell out, but the other half got stuck too far under my eyelid. An hour and $100 later, Urgent Care finally got it. FML

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By oh lord - 27/5/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - 3/9/2010 08:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:01 - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

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By Man vs. Spider - 28/2/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By someone - 2/9/2009 11:00 - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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By DemonicDummy - 5/1/2017 05:06

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

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By TheVagabond_SRG - 2/8/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

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By brokenhome - 25/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

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By who_cares - 9/7/2015 11:20 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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By marisacb - 13/3/2013 18:52 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By PCJJacket - 5/5/2014 17:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

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By Nobody - 27/11/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By Ohnowhy - 9/9/2018 18:30

Awkward...

Today, I moved in with my friend and her husband so we can be roommates during school. Today is also the day they decided to get a divorce. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By SickSmick - 9/2/2010 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By kirrby - 12/11/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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By Andrew - 24/9/2010 10:22 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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By parentof5 - 23/4/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By sandra22 - 22/1/2011 08:49 - France

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML

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By Emptyspace - 25/6/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

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By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

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By pansypup - 3/9/2015 02:30 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

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By purple - 29/1/2010 11:22 - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

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By surprise - 11/12/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go to a surprise party I'd planned for my best friend. All was going well on the discretion part until I logged onto Facebook. I saw that my sister had set her status to, "At Natalie's surprise party! BBL!" Natalie had liked it. FML

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By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By Ava K - 1/10/2019 16:02 - United States - San Diego

Unnecessary

Today, my mom and I were looking at dresses for me at the mall. The cashier pointed out a dress, and my mom said, "She's definitely not going to fit into that. She's too flat-chested." FML

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By mystupidson - 31/8/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640689 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 15:30

Thanks to his yanking, you’ll probably get a whole week off!

It’s good to have accomplices!

By Spiritbird | 17

#7640698 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 15:54

Tell him you've also arranged a 'day-off' for him in the coming days. And the good part is it's gonna be a total surprise so he better be ready.

COMMENTS

By Howard Davidson III | 11

#7640685 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 15:20

I honestly don’t want you to believe cuz the idea of someone being that stupid does not sit well with me. Get well soon OP.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#7641651 - Thursday 31 May 2018 15:47

I'm more concerned about the idea of someone impaling their leg on a metal rod.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7640689 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 15:30

Thanks to his yanking, you’ll probably get a whole week off!

It’s good to have accomplices!

By Spiritbird | 17

#7640698 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 15:54

Tell him you've also arranged a 'day-off' for him in the coming days. And the good part is it's gonna be a total surprise so he better be ready.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7640710 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 16:35

He thought you were yanking his leg so he returned the favor. Sounds about right.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7640830 - Tuesday 29 May 2018 21:50

Get well soon OP, that's horrible!

By supertacowaffle | 41

#7640913 - Wednesday 30 May 2018 3:51

I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt. Get well soon OP!

By drancergdl | 10

#7640919 - Wednesday 30 May 2018 4:15

And then is when you know pranks ain’t funny anymore, not taking side with the moron but some pranks there gone way too far that makes people thinking that an accident now can just be an asshole that needs visits for social media this is sad

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7641044 - Wednesday 30 May 2018 9:32

His intentions were misunderstood, he wanted to know more to see if it's a viable option for himself.

By Davros | 12

#7641066 - Wednesday 30 May 2018 10:45

I'd be pissed to if some guy grabbed my rod

By tanman230 | 10

#7641293 - Wednesday 30 May 2018 20:32

these people are dangerous. if you're at least somewhat intelligent you would much rather have a working leg than a day off