Kids: Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls,...

By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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Kids

Serious times

And today, on Dr Phil…

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beachwood

Today, I saw my long-distance boyfriend for the first time in 8 months. He dumped me on the spot because I was "uglier" than he remembered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

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By Broke as hell - 7/4/2020 23:00

Hangry

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

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By fuckbio - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

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By Loner - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By Ugh... - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

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By WTFLY - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

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By wtf - United States

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 20:03 - United States - Herndon

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Today, I learned that my best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for 2 months. This is the same person who, 2 months ago, wanted to break our friendship off because he thought we "got too close" and felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend by spending too much time with me. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By furbys69 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By dreefsa - United States

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Trust

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

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By "Jam2019"

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By Busted - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

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By handygirl - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By lbelle - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

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By elena02 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By Can't Win - United States - Palatine

Today, my car keys decided to play hide and seek. Good news: I found them under my bed. Bad news: it was after my job interview was scheduled to start. FML

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By Sam - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By Sandra - 21/1/2021 11:01

Proud dad

Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML

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By FFS

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

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By kerripjones - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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Top comments

By sp00derman | 23

#6563443 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:06

well... she's right

By B0RN_kRAZY | 16

#6563445 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:07

She got that from the Charmin Ultra Plush toilet paper commercials... DUH

COMMENTS

By sp00derman | 23

#6563443 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:06

well... she's right

Elban | 20

#6563565 - Monday 21 March 2016 2:24

I'd do the same thing. Can't wait to go shopping with the girlfriend

By B0RN_kRAZY | 16

#6563445 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:07

She got that from the Charmin Ultra Plush toilet paper commercials... DUH

FlutterLoud | 29

#6563466 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:14

That's what I was thinking :) lol. Kids say the darnedest things

andrmac | 25

#6563620 - Monday 21 March 2016 3:42

Can't be the Charming Ultra that leaves dingle berries.

By ragingtom123 | 11

#6563448 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:07

Just some friendly advice.

By waleedma | 17

#6563449 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:09

Smart kid!!!!!

By pancakebob15 | 7

#6563452 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:10

I screamed this out in the store with my mom she never will know where I got it from

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6563460 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:12

As far as FMLs go, this one is pretty adorable and a great story to tell at a 21st!

By Crawyz | 11

#6563461 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:12

Well she's not wrong

By kowsee | 22

#6563462 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:12

Legit.

By mm12344 | 8

#6563489 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:26

Does she have older siblings?

By Redmond64 | 16

#6563501 - Monday 21 March 2016 0:36

That's pretty correct