Money: Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked... - FML

By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

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Proactive

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

By AZN656 - Australia

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

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By Clogged Nose

Smells like teen spirit of America

Today, I had to train a new guy whose body odor was killing me. After he'd left, I had to run two industry size fans to blow the stench out of my office. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By emkaycutie - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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By Abendigo77 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, my vegan boyfriend told me that if he were forced to kill either his cat or me, he'd kill me because he "would never kill an animal." FML

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By qhu - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By wastedtime - 13/9/2020 10:57 - United States

Time to run

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my crew was called out to do some house maintenance. We were nearly done, when someone had the goddamned fucking brilliant idea of washing plaster off their hands in the kitchen sink, which clogged the pipes. Instead of getting paid, we now owe for damages. FML

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By sunshine19217 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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By Lola - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By Angie - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

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By Immaculatedream - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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By Anonymousse - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML

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By probablydeadbymidnight - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

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By TheComputerGuy96 - Italy

Today, I was locked out of my house. After hours of trying to break the door, I found out I accidentally left a window open. The door, however, still needs to be replaced. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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By Broly171 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. Then he smiled and said "Your eyes are two different colors right now. One's blue, one's green..." I was so happy he still noticed the little things. Then he finished his sentence with "...ya know, like a dog." FML

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By Screwed Up - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By brileyyyy - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Proper banter

Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By usarmywife

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

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By not drunk - 21/7/2020 08:01

And I oop

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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By You'veHadTwoWeeksToTellMe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

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By Valedict-oops

Today, I walked at my graduation ceremony, proudly wearing my valedictorian cords. It turns out that, after some confusion on behalf of the student services office, I was neither valedictorian nor salutatorian (by 0.2 points). I'm dating the actual valedictorian. FML

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By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - Australia - Belconnen

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

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By KayIsKiwi99 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

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By notanidiot - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By LukeyBoy - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the road when a twat on a quad-bike smashed into my leg. It seems that I should've been "walking on the right side of the pavement." FML

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By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

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Top comments

By amanda182 | 19

#6320789 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Wow, she is good.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6320799 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

I'm both impressed and concerned. mostly impressed though.

COMMENTS

By amanda182 | 19

#6320789 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Wow, she is good.

Reply

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6321032 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:53

She's good, but it pisses me off that she would use that. Totally disrespectful.

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6321042 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:59

ain't no rest for the wicked, #60

Reply

mds9986 | 24

#6321075 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:52

If this was me I wouldn't even be mad, that's amazing.

Reply

Drosophila82 | 18

#6321082 - Monday 15 June 2015 6:03

True dat

Reply

amanda182 | 19

#6321376 - Monday 15 June 2015 14:33

#60 i agree that it's disrespectful, I am married to a soldier, and he laughed and this as well but said its fucked up. Some people are just desperate.. And assholes.

Reply

Joseph24689 | 14

#6345467 - Thursday 9 July 2015 15:47

Money don't grow on trees

By linnysy | 14

#6320790 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

I'm sorry OP! Report it to the cops!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6321079 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:59

I agree op needs to report it. Then they may be able to look at surveillance tapes and have an idea of what she looks like. She may already be in their databases or on their radar.

By Honest_Guy | 10

#6320791 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Sucks to be you, I hope you somehow got it back...

Reply

bl865ood | 17

#6321062 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:30

there's a button for that

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6322300 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 11:49

#66, There's no button for OP to get their wallet back. I checked.

Reply

razoray9 | 22

#6323248 - Wednesday 17 June 2015 18:30

Are you sure #96 because according to Jake from State Farm it pays to double check.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6320792 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:06

Well Op, I bet that's the last time you let that happen.

Reply

Marshmallowjello | 22

#6322069 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 4:37

Although I do hope that something like this does not happen to op again, I also hope that op continues to make an attempt to be kind and helpful towards others. What op did was amazing, and I'm sincerely sorry that it was just a hoax.

By gunzerker | 8

#6320796 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

I thought op was going to say she conned him into paying for her groceries.

Reply

achoo123 | 13

#6320909 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:06

Well in a way she kind of did.

Reply

Sam_Dchi | 23

#6320947 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:42

you still remember that one?

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6321110 - Monday 15 June 2015 6:48

#40 - I do, I do!~

By muarif | 19

#6320797 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Dswank620 | 18

#6321072 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:49

I don't think he deserved this at all, he was just trying to be kind, bad things like this happens to good people all too often

By hellnosucka | 27

#6320799 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

I'm both impressed and concerned. mostly impressed though.

Reply

brookiee527 | 13

#6320996 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:22

Your profile picture makes me happy

Reply

gracehi | 31

#6321007 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:36

It also goes perfectly with the comment. I can totally hear Ron Swanson saying that.

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6320804 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:09

Makes you lose faith in humanity, doesn't it? People suck.. That's why I prefer animals

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#6320872 - Monday 15 June 2015 1:09

But that's illegal....

Reply

daisylokes | 16

#6320900 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:00

#23 nasty.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6321046 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:02

Remember. Humans are social animals

By itsalanis | 24

#6320805 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:10

I find it a little upsetting that people use emotions of those sorts to commit crimes. Humans nowadays... :c

By TheSgLeader | 21

#6320808 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:11

You have to watch out for people like that. Some people have the nerve to pawn people like that. I hope Karma gets you back for being thoughtful enough to let her hug you. Good luck, OP

Reply

deathshead | 19

#6321037 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:57

I'm leaning more to karma getting her for being a bitch