Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked... - FML

By Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III - United States - Jersey Shore

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

Expanding universe

By Rye - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Thief

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - High Springs

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

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By manicmandy - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By charlie - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By khannnn - United States

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

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By Savviecat97

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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By icarlymom - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

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By Faktafem

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML

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By rhplb - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I arrived to work at exactly 8 so I could leave at exactly 5, without overtime. I found out later that my brother took my keys with him somewhere and now I can't enter the house until he gets back at 11. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally had the courage to break up with the father of my child. When I got to my parents' house, they were happy, but after explaining that I was going to spend more time with them, they called and told him that they don’t accept devolutions. FML

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By Habit - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By phoenixditch - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By Liam. - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By nabru

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By summerbabe77 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

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By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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By not crazy enough - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By UghCats - United States

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By Eli123 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By wheatsnake - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By why me?? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Marie - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. As we were about to exchange gifts, he got a call and said he had to go home immediately. What was the emergency? His guild leader couldn't find another healer to finish a raid and promised my boyfriend gear if he would step up. FML

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By ThatsNotGrass - Canada

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

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By Needlongerarms - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

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By Megz - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

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By grandpa porn

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By minnie - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

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By boostedsaab - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

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By Username

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

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Top comments

By amanda182 | 19

#6320789 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Wow, she is good.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6320799 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

I'm both impressed and concerned. mostly impressed though.

COMMENTS

By amanda182 | 19

#6320789 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Wow, she is good.

Reply

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6321032 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:53

She's good, but it pisses me off that she would use that. Totally disrespectful.

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6321042 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:59

ain't no rest for the wicked, #60

Reply

mds9986 | 24

#6321075 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:52

If this was me I wouldn't even be mad, that's amazing.

Reply

Drosophila82 | 18

#6321082 - Monday 15 June 2015 6:03

True dat

Reply

amanda182 | 19

#6321376 - Monday 15 June 2015 14:33

#60 i agree that it's disrespectful, I am married to a soldier, and he laughed and this as well but said its fucked up. Some people are just desperate.. And assholes.

Reply

Joseph24689 | 14

#6345467 - Thursday 9 July 2015 15:47

Money don't grow on trees

By linnysy | 14

#6320790 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

I'm sorry OP! Report it to the cops!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6321079 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:59

I agree op needs to report it. Then they may be able to look at surveillance tapes and have an idea of what she looks like. She may already be in their databases or on their radar.

By Honest_Guy | 10

#6320791 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:04

Sucks to be you, I hope you somehow got it back...

Reply

bl865ood | 17

#6321062 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:30

there's a button for that

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6322300 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 11:49

#66, There's no button for OP to get their wallet back. I checked.

Reply

razoray9 | 21

#6323248 - Wednesday 17 June 2015 18:30

Are you sure #96 because according to Jake from State Farm it pays to double check.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6320792 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:06

Well Op, I bet that's the last time you let that happen.

Reply

Marshmallowjello | 22

#6322069 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 4:37

Although I do hope that something like this does not happen to op again, I also hope that op continues to make an attempt to be kind and helpful towards others. What op did was amazing, and I'm sincerely sorry that it was just a hoax.

By gunzerker | 8

#6320796 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

I thought op was going to say she conned him into paying for her groceries.

Reply

achoo123 | 13

#6320909 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:06

Well in a way she kind of did.

Reply

Sam_Dchi | 23

#6320947 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:42

you still remember that one?

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6321110 - Monday 15 June 2015 6:48

#40 - I do, I do!~

By muarif | 19

#6320797 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Dswank620 | 18

#6321072 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:49

I don't think he deserved this at all, he was just trying to be kind, bad things like this happens to good people all too often

By hellnosucka | 27

#6320799 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

I'm both impressed and concerned. mostly impressed though.

Reply

brookiee527 | 13

#6320996 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:22

Your profile picture makes me happy

Reply

gracehi | 31

#6321007 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:36

It also goes perfectly with the comment. I can totally hear Ron Swanson saying that.

By Dick_diamond | 22

#6320804 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:09

Makes you lose faith in humanity, doesn't it? People suck.. That's why I prefer animals

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#6320872 - Monday 15 June 2015 1:09

But that's illegal....

Reply

daisylokes | 16

#6320900 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:00

#23 nasty.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6321046 - Monday 15 June 2015 5:02

Remember. Humans are social animals

By itsalanis | 24

#6320805 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:10

I find it a little upsetting that people use emotions of those sorts to commit crimes. Humans nowadays... :c

By TheSgLeader | 21

#6320808 - Monday 15 June 2015 0:11

You have to watch out for people like that. Some people have the nerve to pawn people like that. I hope Karma gets you back for being thoughtful enough to let her hug you. Good luck, OP

Reply

deathshead | 19

#6321037 - Monday 15 June 2015 4:57

I'm leaning more to karma getting her for being a bitch