Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 05:42 - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Fairytale ending

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Ashley - 3/5/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

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By hobo - 17/5/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 05:00

Bad encounter

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a called street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature and we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay and he made my kids cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 22:52 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

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By redneckfamily - 24/5/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

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By frozen solid - 6/1/2014 02:04 - United States - Allentown

Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

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By thanks a lot - 26/5/2020 08:00

Stay alert!

Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

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By Darling_Cherry - 2/1/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

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By ashleyyyy - 28/10/2011 15:59 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By RENThead - 13/9/2015 19:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

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By l0stnwundrland - 24/1/2011 08:01 - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor. For the past three days every time I wear my glasses I become nauseous, get migraines, and have that "fish-eye view" where everything is rounded. Turns out they placed my lenses on the wrong sides. FML

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By Angel - 25/10/2016 20:54

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

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By Sad nerd - 5/1/2013 17:09 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By Boo - 8/8/2019 08:01 - Australia

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was an accident. FML

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By fmldr - 3/12/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By violetbcracecar - 14/12/2016 03:48 - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2015 15:26 - United States

Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML

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By dumbfounded - 8/5/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By pmony - 2/2/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By what... - 15/9/2013 18:47 - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Noname - 22/2/2009 06:14 - Australia

Today, I did my work, the work of my co-worker who called in sick and the work of my boss who has no idea what the hell is going on all at the same time. I didn't get a promotion because I don't work hard enough. FML

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By Kiki - 8/3/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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By socks - 21/9/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

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By pignose - 5/9/2019 02:01

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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By Meg - 15/7/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - 6/12/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By UncleMonkey - 6/3/2015 06:18 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML

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By Single - 7/8/2010 11:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

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By yeaokay - 29/10/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By rozsrredd - 8/7/2014 05:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

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By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By tinytitty - 23/3/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

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By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

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Top comments

By BoredOne | 0

#52528 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

She must have giggled because she was so impressed by your ability to squeal.

By Fuck34 | 0

#52524 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

Bad things happen when you show off. I'm surprised that's all that happened...it could have been worse.

COMMENTS

By emorockerownage | 9

#52518 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1179147 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 2:13

well he should NOT have picked up heavy weights unless he was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that he could lift them.

Reply

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3420512 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 5:55

lol, you say "own" a lot

Reply

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3505265 - Friday 28 October 2011 22:27

at least she knows that you're a funny guy...

By Fuck34 | 0

#52524 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

Bad things happen when you show off. I'm surprised that's all that happened...it could have been worse.

By Mr_Serious | 6

#52526 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

dont try and show off unless you know you can handle it, serves you right

By Jaywin | 3

#52527 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

At least she was looking at you? I don't know, I'm just trying to find some positives in this situation for you.

Reply

plum_lovin | 28

#5558283 - Saturday 29 June 2013 21:21

At least he got her to giggle..

By BoredOne | 0

#52528 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:13

She must have giggled because she was so impressed by your ability to squeal.

By Jimboom | 11

#52558 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:21

You never just drop heavy weights on the ground. Even if your trying to not look like the clumsy ass you are. What if somebodies foot had been there? Or they had bounces and rolled onto someone's hand?

Still. This FML did make me smile. Karma is and always will be a byatch!

By Jimboom | 11

#52566 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:24

Oh yea and I almost forgot. Squeeaall piggy squeal!

By Jokermon | 0

#52567 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:24

"I squealed, she giggled", lmao

By balexandre | 2

#52573 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:25

at least you got her attention, witch, by the sum of it, was what you wanted ;-)

By Jokermon | 0

#52575 - Monday 23 March 2009 16:26

"I squealed, she giggled", lmao.