Kids: Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old... - FML

By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Empathy lives

Property law

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. At the end of the night I got a cab ride home. I must have passed out because when I woke up I wasn’t at my place, but my parent’s house, which is the address on my license…120 miles away. The fare was $220. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By ana9 - France

Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML

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By ponyboy - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

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By sarahh38 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By steve - United States

Today, I ran full speed into a brick wall because I saw a tiger. On the other side of a zoo cage. FML

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By wallamanut - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By Zippermania9 - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

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By fyreangel - United States - Warren

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

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By howembarrasing - United States

Today, I went to the sandcastle contest at my local beach. While waiting in line for my hotdog, a man cut in front of me and demanded a cup of water. I called him a jack ass and was saying how people like him give us a bad reputation on the beach. I then see him running to his choking daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By rugs - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By maddie - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By jenA - United States

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By banarama - 5/2/2021 07:54

Dealbreaker

Today, I found out that the person I'm seeing is a terrible kisser. I really like them, but it's awful. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

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By TukTuk - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

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By weddingcrashed - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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By low_expectations - 18/10/2020 02:08 - United States - New York

Parental guilt

Today, my mother tried guilt-tripping me about coming home for the holidays by explaining that, “according to average life expectancy,” she and my father could be dead in the next 10-25 years. I’m already coming home for the holidays. She knows this. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2021 14:01

His house, his asshole

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

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By caryl101698 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By unlucky_vee_13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

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By smarie09 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

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By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By goodbyeGPA

Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By single not ready to mingle - 27/10/2020 18:02 - United States

Fuck the patriarchy

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that we could keep dating, but he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m not a good submissive woman like his mother. His mother who’s been married four times for cheating on all her husbands. Yeah, good woman indeed. FML

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By Hotsauce887 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

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Top comments

By martron3000 | 5

#123056 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:39

Kid's got a great future in politics:
1- Interprets answers to his questions to his own benefit
2-Knows how to steal
3-Lies & blames it on someone else.

By Scotty_TG | 0

#123030 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:26

And that is why you try to get as much info as you can from a child about their question before you answer it.....

COMMENTS

By MaranDoll | 0

#123002 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:18

Well, at least he did his best, right? :D

Also, I realize people are going to yell at me for this...but...

First!

Ahahahaha.

By PtMbs | 0

#123010 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:19

From the mouth of babes...

By Scotty_TG | 0

#123030 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:26

And that is why you try to get as much info as you can from a child about their question before you answer it.....

By loveisalie2 | 0

#123041 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:31

I hate kids for reasons like this and many others.
You try to be nice and this is what you get.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#4890395 - Monday 3 September 2012 5:39

That's why I hate everyone.

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#123045 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:31

Hahah oh that sneaky, sneak! Well its not like you knew what he wanted right?shoulda asked him what it was he really wanted lolx
But tricks on you. You gave him decent advice & he used it against you, ouch.
Better luck next time.

By martron3000 | 5

#123056 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:39

Kid's got a great future in politics:
1- Interprets answers to his questions to his own benefit
2-Knows how to steal
3-Lies & blames it on someone else.

Reply

qwertyuiopdead | 0

#1007317 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 1:44

total win!!

By kspy | 0

#123070 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:44

hahaha that's when you ask them what they want, then try to tell them how to get it...

By Alex_DeLarge | 0

#123089 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:55

The correct answer is: "Well what is it that you want?"

By ShinTenshi | 0

#123105 - Sunday 19 April 2009 0:01

Wow he's good xD....

By cyberhoy | 3

#123107 - Sunday 19 April 2009 0:01

serves you right try his best to get what ever he wants you were basically telling him to steal