Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old... - FML

By ZAS - 18/4/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

DINOSAURS!!

British Broadcasting Corporation

By polish_chik - 1/9/2009 04:00 - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

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By notarobber - 15/5/2013 07:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

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By hornyloser - 2/5/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

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By Beard - 8/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

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By communistgirl - 24/1/2012 16:42 - United States

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

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By lonely - 12/4/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Anon - 30/4/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By shutupandsmile18 - 18/4/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

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By Manstobe92 - 16/11/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By sylverster - 15/3/2011 12:37 - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - 6/4/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By NYeeerrr - 9/6/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By Noname - 18/1/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

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By Nana - 22/10/2012 15:39 - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

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By Richmond24 - 29/7/2010 19:10 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn't get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I'd get addicted. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2018 22:00

Today, I arrived at the house we rented for my sister's engagement party. I was also told that I have to sleep in the most cramped bedroom with my uncle who sounds like a mortally wounded warthog when he snores. I paid for the rental. FML

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By A. - 14/10/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

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By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

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By branwen5 - 9/10/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By DumbFace714 - 14/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

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By jackskellington - 11/2/2015 04:34 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad; he's been dead for 5 years. FML

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By FD4 - 15/9/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By Ben - 21/8/2009 21:28 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

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By Needlongerarms - 8/9/2016 12:56 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

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By LadyGore - 19/2/2012 15:30 - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

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By Notcheating - 3/12/2019 18:00

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

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By skitzobiatch69 - 13/9/2011 17:07 - Australia

Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML

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By mook05 - 21/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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By theDiva - 21/1/2009 11:22 - Malta

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

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By S. Tucker - 7/6/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By RosaMaravillosa - 27/6/2016 18:09 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

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By skidoosh - 14/7/2011 01:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By Aries_gurl - 23/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 10:29 - United States - Palmer

Today, my mom told me she wasn't an alcoholic because she doesn't get "black out drunk" daily. She only gets drunk enough to slur her words and reek of alcohol daily, so it's okay. FML

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By Oh dear - 5/7/2012 22:15 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines - Kingstown

Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML

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Top comments

By martron3000 | 5

#123056 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:39

Kid's got a great future in politics:
1- Interprets answers to his questions to his own benefit
2-Knows how to steal
3-Lies & blames it on someone else.

By Scotty_TG | 0

#123030 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:26

And that is why you try to get as much info as you can from a child about their question before you answer it.....

Comments

By MaranDoll | 0

#123002 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:18

Well, at least he did his best, right? :D

Also, I realize people are going to yell at me for this...but...

First!

Ahahahaha.

By PtMbs | 0

#123010 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:19

From the mouth of babes...

By Scotty_TG | 0

#123030 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:26

And that is why you try to get as much info as you can from a child about their question before you answer it.....

By loveisalie2 | 0

#123041 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:31

I hate kids for reasons like this and many others.
You try to be nice and this is what you get.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#4890395 - Monday 3 September 2012 5:39

That's why I hate everyone.

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#123045 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:31

Hahah oh that sneaky, sneak! Well its not like you knew what he wanted right?shoulda asked him what it was he really wanted lolx
But tricks on you. You gave him decent advice & he used it against you, ouch.
Better luck next time.

By martron3000 | 5

#123056 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:39

Kid's got a great future in politics:
1- Interprets answers to his questions to his own benefit
2-Knows how to steal
3-Lies & blames it on someone else.

Reply

qwertyuiopdead | 0

#1007317 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 1:44

total win!!

By kspy | 0

#123070 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:44

hahaha that's when you ask them what they want, then try to tell them how to get it...

By Alex_DeLarge | 0

#123089 - Saturday 18 April 2009 23:55

The correct answer is: "Well what is it that you want?"

By ShinTenshi | 0

#123105 - Sunday 19 April 2009 0:01

Wow he's good xD....

By cyberhoy | 3

#123107 - Sunday 19 April 2009 0:01

serves you right try his best to get what ever he wants you were basically telling him to steal