Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine.... - FML

By Tygastyle - 23/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10487

You deserved it

63095

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Incognito browsing

Breaking Badly

By Amy (grossed out) - 27/4/2014 13:43 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my long-distance boyfriend got extremely drunk and insisted that we ran the Skype call all night so it was like I was there with him. I woke up to the sound of him vomiting loudly at 3am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43482

You deserved it

6008

Tweet

Share

By That_Indian_Guy - 15/11/2014 13:25 - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33825

You deserved it

9402

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Paranoid much?

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1523

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 07:38 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42812

You deserved it

6273

Tweet

Share

By Rotarius - 23/8/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19850

You deserved it

36718

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/5/2018 15:00

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3672

You deserved it

475

Tweet

Share

By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34046

You deserved it

2301

Tweet

Share

By qwerty6 - 30/9/2009 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39233

You deserved it

5493

Tweet

Share

By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35782

You deserved it

3558

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49972

You deserved it

6386

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1780

You deserved it

78

Tweet

Share

By riptoofie - 16/1/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37879

You deserved it

4920

Tweet

Share

By Spadiethestar - 31/7/2009 08:36 - France

Today, I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73695

You deserved it

7048

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29283

You deserved it

5346

Tweet

Share

By frenchpie - 17/5/2009 12:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, the guy I liked came over for dinner with some friends. One of them asked him if we were dating, he became so distraught he started to choke on the food I had made, in his haste to tell them that in no uncertain terms, were we together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48371

You deserved it

4141

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 22:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42225

You deserved it

4962

Tweet

Share

By Courtney - 28/6/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39809

You deserved it

5087

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13630

You deserved it

1165

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13200

You deserved it

89359

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44720

You deserved it

8570

Tweet

Share

By MrDanito - 28/4/2016 06:21 - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16394

You deserved it

1635

Tweet

Share

By trippybmth - 23/12/2014 00:54 - United States

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31566

You deserved it

6873

Tweet

Share

By BlazefireSaber - 7/7/2015 03:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32376

You deserved it

2963

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/3/2012 11:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33994

You deserved it

3699

Tweet

Share

By ILoveFML - 29/8/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready..." He then looked at me and said, "maybe you should." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34798

You deserved it

7693

Tweet

Share

By screewit - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

101458

You deserved it

4938

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64334

You deserved it

4021

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 22:51 - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27384

You deserved it

1673

Tweet

Share

By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5531

You deserved it

633

Tweet

Share

By justin_99 - 3/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27929

You deserved it

3043

Tweet

Share

By Evan Chong - 13/7/2011 14:48 - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44147

You deserved it

4356

Tweet

Share

By apparently inexperienced - 11/9/2012 16:54 - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33570

You deserved it

6449

Tweet

Share

By JMG - 19/8/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, at the water park, my grandmother's boob slipped out. Every time I close my eyes, I see her dangling breast in my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33185

You deserved it

2878

Tweet

Share

By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40291

You deserved it

4201

Tweet

Share

By BadBoyfriend - 3/6/2013 04:31 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64263

You deserved it

7290

Tweet

Share

By - 31/12/2009 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6084

You deserved it

47917

Tweet

Share

By experience_to_get_experience - 21/9/2015 19:09 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24289

You deserved it

2916

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/5/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17526

You deserved it

46918

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46892

You deserved it

8600

Tweet

Share

By Uwrongfodat - 9/5/2013 10:11 - United States - Denton

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61667

You deserved it

4253

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shananigans | 0

#334391 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:06

*Facepalm*

Although I do love when kids make adults look stupid (No offense OP I just mean in general) I mean you have to admit it's hilarious, unless it's happening to you.

By PositiveChillout | 0

#334361 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 22:59

Wow...

COMMENTS

By PositiveChillout | 0

#334361 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 22:59

Wow...

Reply

easylazy | 0

#334649 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 0:47

I agree with #1
And this is really sad I wonder how you start your car in the morning or make your coffee! I find it really said that an adult doesn't know how to work and ATM. How do you normally withdraw money? How to you SURVIVE?
(And I agree with #25 also)

Reply

nazooer | 11

#334761 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 1:31

Um its sad that you can't read, the OP was not at an atm, it was a coffee machine

Reply

Arturo7531 | 3

#334893 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 2:35

Its amazing how some people get unfocused so easily.... A START button? Really?

Reply

Naveh | 0

#2074824 - Saturday 12 February 2011 17:31

#26 It was a mistake. It happens a lot. Lol. :U

By Roxas_fml | 0

#334370 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:02

Sounds like a knock off FML of the person who had a little boy come open his bathroom stall for him because he didn't realize he was doing it wrong.

By bees_08505 | 0

#334372 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:02

Fail...
epic fail

By t6a6m6m6y | 0

#334379 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:03

it happens you had a brain fart !!! thank God for kids to make us feel complete stupid !!!!

By shananigans | 0

#334391 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:06

*Facepalm*

Although I do love when kids make adults look stupid (No offense OP I just mean in general) I mean you have to admit it's hilarious, unless it's happening to you.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#334941 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 2:59

I don't mine offending... when a person comes here to FML to declare their retardation, they can expect to be insulted and ridiculed... what else do they want... positive affirmations?

By fxdxhk90 | 0

#334404 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:11

Gotta love it when people come to this site to complain about the fact that they are morons.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#334934 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 2:58

LOL.

Yeah, what IS more pathetic... that you can't figure out a coffee machine, or that you come here to brazenly and proudly proclaim that you are a stupid idiot?

By too_much_fun | 0

#334422 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:17

You went to the bank to get some coffee? Starbucks my friend, no assembly required ;)

Reply

ohthatsucks | 0

#334433 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:20

doubt that someone would go to the bank just to get coffee. The OP was probably there to deposit something or whatever and wanted some coffee while they were there.

Reply

Mozart24 | 0

#334534 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:54

Dont take her IKEA shopping then, either...

Reply

Shawty101 | 0

#1208550 - Sunday 8 August 2010 19:13

umm just the coffee at hiz work dumbass

By guitar43 | 0

#334423 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:18

haha awww we all have our moments but thats really cute

By NGM_47 | 0

#334427 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:19

If you had trouble with a coffee machine, I wonder how long it took for you to log onto this site....?

Reply

crystal_clear | 0

#334614 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 0:29

Ah, but you don't have to log into the site to post an FML. Plus, the coffee may have stimulated the brain enough to use some logic. =P

By Evilbeagle | 0

#334434 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:20

Brainfarts happen to everyone. It's just twice as funny when they happen like this.