Health: Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I... - FML

By Dehydrated - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Extreme late fees

Reliable

By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

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By Noname - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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By love_letter - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML

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By Brock - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

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By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By Anonymous

TFI Friday

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

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By preggers - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

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By horsefuck - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

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By Camille - United States

Today, my boyfriend hacked my facebook account and set my status to say that I was in love with my boss. Seeing the post, my boss called me into his office, and told me he loved me too... FML

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By stupid_airbag - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

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By Anonymous

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 17:00

Money hole

Today, my uncle kept his promise and left me his holiday house in his will. What he didn’t tell me was it’s been unmaintained for 14 years and is unfit for human habitation, has 2 mortgages, and now it and all its issues are now mine. Old, dead bastard. FML

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By handyman13 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 08:00

Working for the weekend

Today, I started my first 3-day weekend in over a month after asking for one. I also start the neverending diarrhea and vomit spiral because my stomach can’t handle a little spice. So much for a relaxing 3-day weekend. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2021 21:30

Sleep tight

Today, my depression caused me to sleep through my appointment to try and get more antidepressants. We love mental instability. FML

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By nobleach - United States

Red alert

Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

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By andibartle - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my family and a family I didn't know. I was about to press the number when somebody came up behind me. I thought it was my brother trying to press the number first, so I aggressivly pushed him out of the way. Turns out it was the other family's ten year old son. FML

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By jag talar - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By theblackrose23 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my grandfather died via Facebook, because apparently both my father and my aunt think posting a status about it immediately rather than calling family is the thing to do. FML

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By TodX - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By wooowmom - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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Top comments

By KittyHawkMarch | 29

#6399359 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:50

I can't stand people like that. Next time just do whatever you gotta do so that you're alright even if he gives you heck of it.

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6399361 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:51

I was in band camp last year and the same thing happened. However, thanks to me we get 10 minute water breaks now. I guess that's good? :D

COMMENTS

By KittyHawkMarch | 29

#6399359 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:50

I can't stand people like that. Next time just do whatever you gotta do so that you're alright even if he gives you heck of it.

Reply

brownapple | 22

#6399372 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:02

Never ask for someone's permission when it comes to your health! Hope you're okay.

Reply

thatoneevilfuy | 6

#6399685 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 3:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Fairyjoshy | 13

#6399768 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 5:32

You have literally no idea the kinds of punishments coaches can inflict without repercussions, do you?

Reply

Estrangement | 25

#6399815 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 7:00

53, Do you know just how badly you contradicted yourself? Dumbass..

By wdin | 10

#6399360 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:51

honestly if you are feeling light headed just get some water, if your coach isn't smart enough to let you if you're light headed quit the team

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6399361 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:51

I was in band camp last year and the same thing happened. However, thanks to me we get 10 minute water breaks now. I guess that's good? :D

Reply

danial1214 | 21

#6399489 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 22:16

Who needs 10 minutes for water ?

Reply

Alexis0927 | 22

#6399490 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 22:21

Usually at band camp you get one water break every few hours. I'm not sure how long other band camps are, but mine is 12 hours of non stop marching and playing. Plus, it's good to have a few extra minutes to sit and rest.

Reply

cynthianicole95 | 9

#6399496 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 22:40

#34 People that have to march around carryi g heavy instruments all day.

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6399505 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 22:53

"this one time, at band camp"

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6399906 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 8:16

"And then– And then– And then they shot a bear."

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6401432 - Thursday 3 September 2015 23:36

That was the first thing that came to my mind.

Reply

gqlmno | 23

#6412416 - Thursday 17 September 2015 1:05

Hahaha band camp... reminds me of American pie. "this one time at band camp I stuck my flute in my pussy" hahaha

By samthompson | 12

#6399362 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:52

this makes me mad

Reply

okaydisarray | 17

#6400161 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 18:42

because this coach is stupid enough to risk the health of his players for "five more minutes" without water. dehydration is serious.

Reply

samthompson | 12

#6402252 - Friday 4 September 2015 22:11

retweet^

By Jowisee | 29

#6399363 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:53

If you need a drink, get one. Dehydration can be serious and all it takes is a minute to have a drink. Your health comes first!

By Miss33_fml | 15

#6399364 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 18:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6399382 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:24

I hope you misread the FML because if you think listening to a coach that you are supposed to listen to even if they're being stupid is considered not thinking for yourself, then you might be not be thinking at all.

Reply

AscPhx | 9

#6402012 - Friday 4 September 2015 14:56

It's not inability to think for themself, it's showing respect and abiding by the authority your coach has.

By DogeDogeDoge | 13

#6399367 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:00

If it's a school coach you should bring it up to your principle(s), OP!

Reply

Dick_diamond | 22

#6399375 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:08

*Principal

By Shuff52 | 21

#6399368 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:00

Been there a few times, and to the hospital for it once. You won't like it when you go to throw a party after winning a game and end up being rushed to the hospital instead. Know you're own body and listen to it. No one else

Reply

rlak111 | 19

#6399427 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 20:18

Your*

Reply

Shuff52 | 21

#6399452 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 20:59

Good catch!

By TallMist | 32

#6399369 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:00

To the people above me saying YDI: For all you know the coach is a hardass that'll kick OP off of the team. And what if soccer is something OP loves doing and this is the only way he can get to play?
He wouldn't want to get kicked off of the team. Of course, this is indeed based on assumptions, but they're not impossibilities.

By BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6399374 - Tuesday 1 September 2015 19:05

Coach is right. Water you thinking?!