Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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Proactive

Dangling modifier

Property law

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 22:05 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By GDBeast - 9/1/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

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By karebear - 9/9/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 13:45 - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

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By imnotcool - 16/4/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 16:20 - United States

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 02:12

Grand Old Irony

Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML

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By chris - 14/6/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Mortified - 24/2/2017 20:00 - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

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By Bellucy27 - 27/10/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By gerbilmaster - 9/7/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By an anon - 27/3/2015 05:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2014 20:23 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

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By paprikarulz - 1/7/2009 10:31 - Australia

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

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By MarsMayFall - 12/9/2016 09:56 - United States

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

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By unappreciated husband - 28/3/2014 21:43 - United States - Pullman

Today, my wife got her period. Every single time, she ends up asking me to go buy her some midol after a few days of trying to tough it out, so I decided to buy her some ahead of time. She reacted by yelling at me for treating her like a child and implying that she couldn't go buy it herself. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:57 - United States - Helena

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 23:32 - Ireland

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

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By DeannaMarie - 26/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By Nightbird827 - 2/12/2015 14:34

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By pops up - 1/12/2011 22:25 - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

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By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2012 04:18 - United States - Burnsville

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 18:38 - Ireland

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

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By disturbedgd - 3/4/2017 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

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By ldrik1 - 11/6/2014 20:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By heartbroken - 30/3/2011 00:15 - United States

Today, I managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy, and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move. It worked. And yet as it turns out, I'm not her crush after all. FML

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By SpikeStanley - 20/10/2011 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

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By Phoenix2115 - 26/2/2018 17:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 23:14 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2014 02:58 - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By iheartnjdevils - 12/1/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

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Top comments

By c8750 | 2

#1814053 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

OP, don't worry about your aunt. You know the truth & that's all that matters so just be happy with your new husband

By theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1814051 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

shouldn't have even invited her. why should you have to convince somebody that you are what you are? ridiculous.

COMMENTS

By Tasanasanta | 0

#1814035 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

c8750 | 2

#1814042 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:06

Not grandma, aunt

Reply

Tasanasanta | 0

#1814056 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

Eye kan weed gud XD

Reply

Sazzers | 0

#1814062 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:09

Way to read no-read!

Reply

c8750 | 2

#1814075 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:09

What about weed? LOL 

Reply

swimmerstud | 7

#1814133 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:15

and it's not crashing if she wasnt invited

Reply

xShannonxSammyx | 7

#1814300 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:49

Wait, if she wasn't invited, doesn't that mean she WAS crashing?

Reply

spanelli | 16

#1814311 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:51

Apparently she was invited if the OP didn't kick her out. Then again, he's probably nicer than I am.

Reply

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1814512 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:34

Lol, grandma...

Reply

zkchild | 0

#1814588 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:54

What a bitch but she's probably right.

By theFMLiest1ofThe | 0

#1814051 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

shouldn't have even invited her. why should you have to convince somebody that you are what you are? ridiculous.

Reply

Somemadbloke1 | 1

#1814543 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 17:42

agreed

Reply

kikibisweet | 0

#1814669 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:31

Auntie knows best

Reply

breberry304 | 27

#5352892 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:47

I'm guessing he invited her because she's family and it's not like her thinking that he's gay is a reason to hate her...

By c8750 | 2

#1814053 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:08

OP, don't worry about your aunt. You know the truth & that's all that matters so just be happy with your new husband

Reply

TkAfinator | 0

#1814111 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:13

^ win

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#1818152 - Thursday 9 December 2010 7:57

hahaha, 4 = ^win

By c8750 | 2

#1814150 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:17

WTF???

By machiko_fml | 0

#1814187 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:26

If she didn't believe you in the first place then why did you invite her? She still doesn't believe you.

Reply

xShannonxSammyx | 7

#1814319 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:52

Because she's family. You need to invite family to your wedding.

Reply

coderedz | 0

#1814342 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:56

not always

Reply

machiko_fml | 0

#1814941 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 19:04

Who cares if she's family?

Reply

BloodyHeel | 8

#1815418 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 21:00

Apparently it is compulsory to invite your family. According to Shannon. And Shannon knows everything.

Reply

amazinggbaby | 2

#1816366 - Thursday 9 December 2010 1:46

Well since she's family and she and OP didn't seem to be on bad terms until the wedding, she would have probably been offended if she wasn't invited. She probably did believe he was straight until she got drunk and took his joke seriously.

By yumsugarr | 8

#1814197 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:26

awww, man. hopefully everyone noticed she was drunk!?

Reply

CaptSkippy | 9

#1815631 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 22:04

edit your info or some creeper will stalk you

Reply

Garytt | 0

#1817926 - Thursday 9 December 2010 6:30

too late

By amerwin | 3

#1814221 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:31

She needs to be put in her place. Plant one of your big floppy dildos in her purse, and then run around shaking it in front of everyone saying, "hey look, auntie can fit 12 inches! That's 3 more than me!"

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#1814286 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:48

You're married, have fun. 

By mintcar | 9

#1814297 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:49

Ugh, drunk people.
Why would you go to a wedding and get completely intoxicated? It makes you look incredibly foolish.

I'm sorry your aunt acted the way she did.

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#1814304 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 16:50

My cousin had open bar it went really bad.

Reply

love0128 | 5

#1818979 - Thursday 9 December 2010 14:05

This isn't about you. Just saying...

Reply

Bubbelz | 24

#5401339 - Monday 11 March 2013 18:58

Well, I once bought a crab salad and it tasted great, very much like fish salad.