Work: Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously... - FML

By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Time for the ER

By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 20:02

Clumsy

Today, I was making Cup Noodles for breakfast. After microwaving it for 3 minutes, I carefully grabbed the cup to pour some water out, but my hand gave out and some water spilled on it. Now I have a burned hand and no noodles. FML

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By firehurts - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Jules - 12/1/2021 23:07

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By mcdman - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By "Tick"

Today, after not dating for 2 years, I went out on 2 dates. I got stood up both times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By GingerJ - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

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By 6boss - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

The Three Bears Conundrum

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By Tal - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By TwiceDaily,Kids - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By Embarrassed - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

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By Emily - 5/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Greenville

Not you, her

Today, I told the guy I liked about my feelings, and he says, "Sorry I don’t like you, but can I get your sister's number?" FML

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By polish_chik - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

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By Kerry - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By HorrorByrd - Canada

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By twilight zone - 9/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Backwards

Today, I was actually criticized for giving my kids scientific answers to their questions, instead of dumb downed fairytales. Gotta love the public school system, right? FML

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By hopelesss88 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

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By tsunami

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By nickcedola40 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By -_- - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By thesitter - United States

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By UnknownOperation - United States - Washington

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was pouring boiling water into a cup, and I accidentally spilled it all over my hand. My mother responded by slapping me for getting water everywhere. My hand is scorched red, but thanks, I love you too, mother. FML

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By rhiannakirwan - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

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By TheJuggla17 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6282370 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:28

The balls on some people, how dare you?!

By pratikp03 | 22

#6282371 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:28

did u call the cops again?

COMMENTS

By MrConcise | 34

#6282370 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:28

The balls on some people, how dare you?!

By pratikp03 | 22

#6282371 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:28

did u call the cops again?

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6282386 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:39

Why? To correct the statement to say he is 55 not 60?

Reply

JustinJK | 21

#6282495 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 19:59

So that the police come and accost him?

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6282509 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 20:11

#2 and #23; The man most likely knew about his reported age in the police report because he has been arrested for the stealing of fuel mentioned here.

OP is talking about an incident that happened a while ago; not earlier that day.

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6282373 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:30

These are the type of people who's heads I'd love to be in. Like, what decision making processes must they go through?

By magickiss87 | 22

#6282374 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:32

Typical asshole behavior. I would have told him you have thirty seconds to buy something or leave before I contact the police again. You did the right thing, he was just mad he got caught. lol.

By Emmamazing | 26

#6282375 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:33

Call the cops again and say he looks closer to 70 upon closer inspection

By victorvldv | 8

#6282376 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:33

What a dillhole

By Nicolasaur726 | 21

#6282377 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:34

Maybe he's getting dementia. Older people start to get it in about their 60s. Oh, sorry, 55s.

By erin55378 | 17

#6282379 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:36

Mid-life crisis...?

By superwhovian | 16

#6282380 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:37

Sorry if he comes in again call the cops

By KitchKraft | 21

#6282381 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 18:37

He's likely just trying to find some way to blame it on you. Don't take it personally, op.