By munckncruncj15 - United States

Yummy

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

In my day…

By Marcus

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

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By pizzachest - Canada

Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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By fucking Karens! - 11/8/2020 14:02

Karen strikes again

Today, I got lost searching for an apartment in a huge complex. A hysterical woman started screaming that I didn’t belong there, and that she was calling the police. She stood behind my car so I couldn’t leave. I’m a pizza delivery driver, in full uniform and with the company emblem on my car. FML

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By smokin - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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By gotta love my momma - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corning

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

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By raquel - United States

Today, I babysat the Antichrist of all kids. After the 5 long hours were over, his parents came home. Instead of paying me what they agreed, they offered to let me eat some leftovers of a takeout in the fridge. I'm so afraid of confrontation that I accepted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, realizing how poor I am, I decided to steal gas. The only place I was brave enough to steal from was my parents' lawn mower. FML

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By Rach - United Kingdom

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

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By Blackshadows - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

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By CantPoop - United States - Springdale

Today, I was telling my wife how being told to drink water all day when you're not even thirsty is "such a scam". Suddenly, I felt an excruciating pain in my abdomen. The ER had to give me IV fluids because I was so constipated from dehydration. The bill was over $2000. FML

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By Venus - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By Samantha - Canada

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML

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By racist - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

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By A2 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By I hate Walmart???? - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

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By thanksdad - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

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By Bellagirl - United States

Sex talk

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get into bed. While I was unlocking my front door, the flimsy key snapped off inside the lock. A locksmith was called out, who did nothing but sadistically guffaw at my misfortune and crack sarcastic jokes as he undid the lock. FML

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By Jopes - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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By Dog_Lover - Canada - Montreal

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By R - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By lpspann87 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

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By Voice29 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By shorty4 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

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Top comments

By moonsolomon | 0

#632963 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:41

Last I checked, when people wiped their mouths, the napkin didn't come in contact with the tongue... and wouldn't you feel it on your lips before just absently licking? And then remember about the dead fly and think ICK and wipe it off again?
Just, y'know, asking.

By Peroxide | 3

#632966 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:44

Mr Miyagi would be so proud

Wax on wax off bitch

COMMENTS

By cheekytart | 0

#632954 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:28

ou're an idiot

Reply

lastichecked | 0

#632962 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:36

es she is

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#632999 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:22

ou made me laugh

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#633222 - Thursday 22 October 2009 16:48

ou gus are hilarious.

Reply

Kervik | 0

#633250 - Thursday 22 October 2009 17:11

greed.

Reply

drano | 0

#633776 - Friday 23 October 2009 0:28

econded

nd OP that's not karma that's stupidity.

Reply

gizmo_987 | 0

#633917 - Friday 23 October 2009 2:36

ies a little inside every time someone used Karma wrong on FMLs*

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#637254 - Sunday 25 October 2009 2:58

Double-amen. Btw, Alan Pirates may > Ninjas, but Zombies > Pirates.

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#927607 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 4:56

felt bad for you until you said karma. There is no karma for killing a fly.

Reply

Karma495 | 0

#1667470 - Monday 8 November 2010 17:03

xD ikr

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4969824 - Tuesday 25 September 2012 9:17

"Amazing ninja skills"...?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#632955 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:29

You're not Obama, so don't try pulling one.

PS: Pirates > Ninjas

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#632969 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:46

Amen, Twin.

Reply

_THE_MASTER_ | 0

#633225 - Thursday 22 October 2009 16:50

you can go ahead and say that pirates are better than ninjas...of course, while you're doing that, 1 ninja is silently and skillfully taking down your entire crew. oh...face....

Reply

winterharte | 0

#821356 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 10:50

But then the zombie apocalypse comes along and they somehow all procreate togeter, thusly making a Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot. (KoL references FTW! :D)

Reply

Snowstar | 0

#2174899 - Saturday 12 March 2011 3:58

DONT FORGET COWBOYS ALIENS AND ASTRONAUTS

By lastichecked | 0

#632957 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:32

Last I checked killing a fly didn't class as "Ninja" skills, just saying.

By lastichecked | 0

#632959 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:34

*posting error oops =P*

By moonsolomon | 0

#632963 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:41

Last I checked, when people wiped their mouths, the napkin didn't come in contact with the tongue... and wouldn't you feel it on your lips before just absently licking? And then remember about the dead fly and think ICK and wipe it off again?
Just, y'know, asking.

By Peroxide | 3

#632966 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:44

Mr Miyagi would be so proud

Wax on wax off bitch

By lolwatlol | 0

#632970 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:47

Lets ignore the fact that karma is bullshit, but.... do you even know what karma is?

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#632974 - Thursday 22 October 2009 12:51

They watch My Name Is Earl and think they know what they're talking about, sadly. /=

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#633006 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:37

I know what karma is: it's bullshit

Reply

rawr_iliketacos | 0

#929679 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 20:45

My cousins name is Karma, and she IS a bitch.

By OverWind | 0

#633023 - Thursday 22 October 2009 13:48

YDI for wiping your mouth after eating.

By Kempiet_fml | 0

#633038 - Thursday 22 October 2009 14:00

Thats not Karma you're just retarded

By amatayo | 0

#633050 - Thursday 22 October 2009 14:23

karma hahahhahahaaahahaah people are so stupid.