Miscellaneous: Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

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By llostinreality - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By KayyElOh94 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent". I got pranked by myself. FML

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By insomnitude - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

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By Louis - South Africa

Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML

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By thunderthighs644

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

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By Rusty - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

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By eyeamcool - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

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By Not really

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

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By anon - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By theultimatesalonfail - United States

Today, a girl came into my salon to permanently straighten her really long and curly hair. After several long hours, I went to the counter to charge her. She ran out faster than an Olympic runner. FML

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By kipper

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By ohhhemmgee - United States - Reno

Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

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By daddy-to-be - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

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By OhaiiKid - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

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By muffin - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By Matt - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriends house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By ruffrider - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

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By STIdiot - United States

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

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By anon - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

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By TotallyFkd - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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By monkeywrench - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By dullstuff - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

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By Sgt_Jackrum - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

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By RyanJarmanForPresident - United States

Today, I caught my teenage daughter smoking, and tried calmly explaining to her that it's quite bad for her health. She replied with, "It doesn't harm you if you're under 20." FML

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By notgoodenough - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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By InDeepBlue

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By .... - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By pod - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

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By Iamsosorry - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, at my work in a call centre, a man called up on a very quiet line to report a car accident on his father's behalf because his father was deaf. I asked him to ask his dad if he was OK after the accident. I'd misheard him and he had said "dead", not "deaf". He started crying. FML

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By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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Top comments

By WinterChild | 20

#6443468 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Should have said "Oh I'm sorry, does it remind you of that story I wasn't suppose to tell grandma about?"

By A07 | 48

#6443473 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

You should've said "Ofcourse you'd know all about them" when he said that

COMMENTS

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443462 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:02

Look on the bright side, your dark eye circles make you look like "a cheap Vegas whore" not a cheap vegas drag queen like mine do

Reply

WhoopteDo | 26

#6443479 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:05

It also wasn't a black eye. That's another bright side.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443485 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:06

get off my comment fluffy

Reply

jadenjacksonm | 14

#6443503 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:20

Discontinue this.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6443508 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:27

This is a fucking train wreck

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443557 - Saturday 24 October 2015 21:13

Thanks guys I love you all

By DemHaxBro | 20

#6443465 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:02

Try to get more sleep op

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6443527 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:43

It's probably not due to sleep. That kind is easy to conceal. As someone who has always suffered from dark circles due to genetics and sinus issues, I can attest that they are impossible to mask. I feel for you OP. I've been there.

By WinterChild | 20

#6443468 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Should have said "Oh I'm sorry, does it remind you of that story I wasn't suppose to tell grandma about?"

By HollyQuinn | 21

#6443469 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Hey, maybe a new career path for ya? Kidding, what a weenie.

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6443472 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Did you get punched in the face?
How dark can those circles be??

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6443812 - Sunday 25 October 2015 4:35

Depending on what type, the allergic shiners and genetic type can get quite dark. Mine get almost black daily.

By A07 | 48

#6443473 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

You should've said "Ofcourse you'd know all about them" when he said that

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6444389 - Sunday 25 October 2015 22:49

Regardless of your age you never disrespect grandpa...

Reply

Abhimanyu | 14

#6444839 - Monday 26 October 2015 7:36

#48 I understand what you're saying but, sometimes you must stand up and speak for yourself. Blood relations don't give someone a right to insult their family members no matter how young or old they're.

By CharlieM78 | 9

#6443474 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

Why would you be embarrassed? Just call him on it by saying thanks but it's not makeup you dick I simply have not been getting enough rest because (fill in the blank) and make him look like the asshat he is.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6443564 - Saturday 24 October 2015 21:19

Yeah I'd be more embarrassed by people thinking I look like a cheap whore than by having them know that I haven't gotten much sleep.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6443648 - Saturday 24 October 2015 23:34

I'm with 25. Isn't it less embarrassing to have dark circles? And by the way, what the fuck kind of grandfather does OP have...

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6443744 - Sunday 25 October 2015 2:21

By the sounds of it, one of the ones who always blames everything on the commies.

By Kieranr10 | 23

#6443476 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

Now u can make some extra money

By dayi_beny | 11

#6443477 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

don't worry, I used to be a bastard in my grandpa's eyes too, but he passed away :|

By tranced_ | 44

#6443478 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

typical family reunion in a nutshell. .