Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 01:32 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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Serious times

Car Wars

Capitalism kills

By Dave - 10/9/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By yanksbitethebig1 - 16/3/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I heard back from my store management interview at Target. I was offered an overnight stock clerk position. When I called HR to find out if my application was in the wrong file I was told I lack the leadership qualities necessary for Target. I graduated with honors from a military school. FML

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By uggo - 29/3/2011 17:12 - United States

Today, I walked into a room, where a guy was violently picking his nose. He kept picking. A very pretty girl walked in after me, and he immediately stopped and sat up straight. Apparently, I'm too ugly to motivate strangers to stop excavating their nasal cavities. FML

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By Courtney - 4/2/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

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By xXshitface4uXx - 25/7/2014 22:46 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, my dad asked me how I would feel about going on an all-expenses-paid, month-long holiday to the Caribbean. I was ecstatic and broke into tears of joy, saying I'd love it. He replied, "Yeah, me too. Shame it ain't happening!" then left for work, laughing his arse off. FML

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By ugh - 15/1/2016 16:08 - United States

Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML

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By APetsPet - 5/10/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 16:25 - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

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By ShanghaiSam - 17/5/2017 04:00 - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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By theshad - 10/9/2010 06:28 - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By Female - 22/1/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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By Boothater - 3/4/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to show us an example of the type of shoes we would be wearing in the show. She brings in a pair of hideous black combat boots, and I remark how ugly they are. They're her own favorite boots. I had to carpool with her after rehearsal. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2016 20:42 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

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By Username - 9/3/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

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By kekumbas - 5/5/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

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By wetqueefa - 3/2/2013 09:58 - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 08:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, I was asked for ID to purchase decorative scissors. I was buying them to make my wedding decorations. FML

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By n - 4/4/2015 18:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 12:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By comfylap - 28/5/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a cute girl I didn't know. She fell asleep on my lap by accident and I just let her for the whole train ride. This is the closest I've ever been with a woman. FML

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By unloved - 18/1/2010 05:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By Whatever01 - 10/3/2009 03:32 - United States

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By poro123 - 5/11/2012 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By mandiballz - 12/1/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By tammylauraine - 29/2/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By - 16/1/2019 20:00

Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

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By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 21:54

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By nothesisforme - 11/3/2015 14:01 - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2014 19:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after months of random vomiting with no apparent cause, I finally got some tests done. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with me and that it's all just in my head. Great. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By boinger - 3/6/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

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By fml - 22/5/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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By popemichael - 19/6/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

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By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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Top comments

By WinterChild | 20

#6443468 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Should have said "Oh I'm sorry, does it remind you of that story I wasn't suppose to tell grandma about?"

By A07 | 48

#6443473 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

You should've said "Ofcourse you'd know all about them" when he said that

COMMENTS

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443462 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:02

Look on the bright side, your dark eye circles make you look like "a cheap Vegas whore" not a cheap vegas drag queen like mine do

Reply

WhoopteDo | 26

#6443479 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:05

It also wasn't a black eye. That's another bright side.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443485 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:06

get off my comment fluffy

Reply

jadenjacksonm | 14

#6443503 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:20

Discontinue this.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6443508 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:27

This is a fucking train wreck

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6443557 - Saturday 24 October 2015 21:13

Thanks guys I love you all

By DemHaxBro | 20

#6443465 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:02

Try to get more sleep op

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6443527 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:43

It's probably not due to sleep. That kind is easy to conceal. As someone who has always suffered from dark circles due to genetics and sinus issues, I can attest that they are impossible to mask. I feel for you OP. I've been there.

By WinterChild | 20

#6443468 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Should have said "Oh I'm sorry, does it remind you of that story I wasn't suppose to tell grandma about?"

By HollyQuinn | 21

#6443469 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Hey, maybe a new career path for ya? Kidding, what a weenie.

By MagnusDeus | 24

#6443472 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:03

Did you get punched in the face?
How dark can those circles be??

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#6443812 - Sunday 25 October 2015 4:35

Depending on what type, the allergic shiners and genetic type can get quite dark. Mine get almost black daily.

By A07 | 48

#6443473 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

You should've said "Ofcourse you'd know all about them" when he said that

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6444389 - Sunday 25 October 2015 22:49

Regardless of your age you never disrespect grandpa...

Reply

Abhimanyu | 14

#6444839 - Monday 26 October 2015 7:36

#48 I understand what you're saying but, sometimes you must stand up and speak for yourself. Blood relations don't give someone a right to insult their family members no matter how young or old they're.

By CharlieM78 | 9

#6443474 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

Why would you be embarrassed? Just call him on it by saying thanks but it's not makeup you dick I simply have not been getting enough rest because (fill in the blank) and make him look like the asshat he is.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6443564 - Saturday 24 October 2015 21:19

Yeah I'd be more embarrassed by people thinking I look like a cheap whore than by having them know that I haven't gotten much sleep.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6443648 - Saturday 24 October 2015 23:34

I'm with 25. Isn't it less embarrassing to have dark circles? And by the way, what the fuck kind of grandfather does OP have...

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6443744 - Sunday 25 October 2015 2:21

By the sounds of it, one of the ones who always blames everything on the commies.

By Kieranr10 | 23

#6443476 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

Now u can make some extra money

By dayi_beny | 11

#6443477 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

don't worry, I used to be a bastard in my grandpa's eyes too, but he passed away :|

By tranced_ | 44

#6443478 - Saturday 24 October 2015 20:04

typical family reunion in a nutshell. .