Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend...

By CRH - 3/5/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

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Health

Family values

Breaking Badly

Stubborn

By noname - 13/12/2008 05:48 - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

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By Andy - 27/2/2019 02:00

Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

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By Grandson - 1/1/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 16:09

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, I was walking towards the bus. The bus was scheduled to leave at 3:20, and it was 3:19 so I decided to run for it. As the doors were closing, I managed to just slip my hand into the door, so it didn't fully close. The bus driver saw this, looked at my face, and then drove away. FML

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

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By Damn - 6/5/2012 13:53 - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

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By chlorinesmells - 30/5/2012 13:51 - United States

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

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By aviators - 7/4/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

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By Darling_Cherry - 2/1/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

You go Glenn Coco!

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

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By scaredscreenless - 16/8/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

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By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

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By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By wasteoftime - 7/6/2017 20:00

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By box bulge - 21/10/2011 01:24 - China

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - 15/7/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By Donezoo - 8/1/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By erin - 4/2/2010 14:51 - France

Today, I met a guy online, and I realized the cyber sex I had with him was better than the sex I get from my boyfriend. FML

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By whatarethisss - 29/1/2016 16:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By JordanVilleneuve - 28/1/2011 03:35 - Canada

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

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By seriously? - 5/8/2013 05:11 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

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By zzz - 22/11/2012 07:25 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was nicknamed "Sandman." Not after the bad-ass Spider Man villain but rather because my personality is so boring it puts people to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was prescribed two different medications. I was also informed that they will both give me diarrhea for the next two weeks. FML

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By pain - 20/5/2016 04:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

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By fuck YOLO - 3/4/2013 05:20 - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

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By stuff2710 - 5/3/2012 00:27 - United States

Today, my friend and I walked 3 miles to a Starbucks. We went inside, paid for our coffees and walked the 3 miles back to my house. We forgot to pick up our coffees. FML

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By Painfulfaceforme - 14/3/2010 02:30 - Canada

Today, I followed an acne treatment. It was only after I'd finished the treatment that I read the bottom line, stating "Do not scrub your face". I only had one pimple to start with, now it looks like I sandpapered my face. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2019 18:00

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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By shrutisoma - 12/5/2016 04:54 - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By Tp - 30/6/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML

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By Janitoro - 23/11/2012 01:19 - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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Top comments

By CanuckPopcicle | 2

#2453172 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:54

I get it, you're excited for baby. One thing you'll find becoming a mom is you'll lose some friends and gain other friends.

By DocBastard | 38

#2453269 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:10

Pregnant women talk about being pregnant. So do the fathers (assuming they're proud fathers).

I'm sure I annoyed the living fuck out of everyone around me when my wife was pregnant (both times). And now that the baby is a month old, all those people who were annoyed just want to see the baby pictures.

You should just tell your "friend" to be happy for you and share in your excitement.

COMMENTS

By m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#2453157 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

sterlingarcher | 1

#2453196 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:58

she was excited.. don't be so harsh..

johncarterer93 | 0

#2453205 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:58

She sounds happy!

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2453296 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:15

1 your an asshole and if your friend can't share the joy with you and be supportive then you need to find another friend you deserve better than that! Go share the joy with your man after all he is the father

TroII | 0

#2453384 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:33

whats wrong with pro-life? *let the huge paragraphs and debates begin*

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2453699 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 21:03

ops friend must be jealous, that or she's just a bitch or both

Randuhh_17 | 4

#2453702 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 21:04

I don't see what's so bad about sounding pro-life?! would you rather her say, " jeez, I hope my baby don't scratch my vagina as its being aborted?!" so she could sound like a pro-choice bumper sticker? she is gonna be a mom, so I would hope she is excited...chick, your friend needs to get in check..

By danbui | 0

#2453158 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:51

how is this an fml?? it's not that bad!!

danbui | 0

#2453166 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:52

why was I moderated? all I said was how is this an fml? it's not that bad.

By ceddyz17 | 10

#2453164 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:52

ummm good for you?

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2453318 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:23

she wants you to shut up because she doesn't care.

adrianblackett | 0

#2453530 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:09

oh well

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2453632 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:39

All 3 f these comments y'all are bitches for that if you don't care don't say anything! Jesus if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all!!!

By Horrified86 | 0

#2453170 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2453218 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:00

to the pregnant person it does. but to everyone else thats just useless info... but congratulations on being pregnant

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2453495 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:01

I called everybody in my phone book the first time my sons dinga ling showed up on a sonogram, and everybody was pumped....If your best friend's not that interested in you going thru your pregnancy, then that's not a friend but more like an aquiatance....

daybowbow | 0

#2453544 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:13

A peen is exciting news though. Fingernails...eh.

By CanuckPopcicle | 2

#2453172 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:54

I get it, you're excited for baby. One thing you'll find becoming a mom is you'll lose some friends and gain other friends.

By Haiden_fml | 0

#2453174 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:54

Hmmmm I think we all know someone like that...

i_love_grrr | 0

#2453512 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:03

i hate babies!!! lol im that person

WallyTheWombat | 0

#2453600 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 20:31

I never had a problem with kids/babies till I got a job in retail. Screaming babies all the damn time. >=(

Randuhh_17 | 4

#2453712 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 21:07

remember, y'all were once that annoying baby you hate so much...I'm sure you had people wanting to throw something at you a time or two.

By bittersweet1 | 0

#2453175 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:55

Shes just hating. stay happy and excited. its a wonderful thing and i can't wait to one day experience it myself.

By johncarterer93 | 0

#2453179 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:55

Congratulations! You should be excited about your baby's development!!

By khaya | 9

#2453186 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:56

You should have said, "I'm getting an abortion, now who's pro life?"

danbui | 0

#2453208 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:59

lol! that would've been funny!!

FarSide | 22

#2453254 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:06

Not.

EverybodyHatesCh | 0

#2453298 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:16

me!!! in pro!!

By Garytt | 0

#2453202 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:58

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

thebestof1984 | 0

#2453233 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:01

wtf, umm yes they do.... Educate yourself before you make such a stupid comment!

thatonename | 7

#2453289 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:15

really? it was a question. dude didnt realize fetuses start without them. calm down and lay off.

pandaboo | 3

#2453322 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:23

You didn't realize sperm and egg don't fuse together to form a single-celled entity with fingernails?

thatonename | 7

#2453365 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:31

you'd be surprised what stupid people don't realize. besides, not everyone on this site had the same education you did. for all you know, dude never had sex Ed yet.

I'm not sayin it wasn't a stupid comment, but people are way to quick to get pissed because someone else had a brainfart.

thebestof1984 | 0

#2453406 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:39

How was that a question? Oh, I get it, it has a question mark at the end.... Shit, the question would be... babies have fingernails? Once again educate yourself!

thebestof1984 | 0

#2453418 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 19:42

I'll correct myself. the proper question would of been, Do babies have fingernails?

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5928230 - Monday 28 April 2014 5:14

Late.. but would HAVE been..

KrazyKatz333 | 15

#6719041 - Sunday 4 December 2016 16:08

Are you confused because you thought the friend was implying OP was wrong and that babies are born without finger nails?