Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school... - FML

By PicklesMcRaptor - 25/3/2012 11:59 - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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Understandable

They're everywhere

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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By B - 18/12/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2012 23:47 - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

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By adad - 1/2/2010 14:34 - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

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By Cleanfreak? - 25/6/2017 00:00 - Denmark - ?lborg

Funky

Today, I got into an argument, followed by the silent treatment from my boyfriend, because I told him that he should change his underwear daily. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 12:01

Balls up

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML

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By lights on forever - 2/8/2013 20:57 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2013 05:33 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

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By fmcsl - 8/9/2019 00:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By Stacy - 21/3/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

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By LittleArtist - 18/2/2014 01:01 - United States - Bessemer

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

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By NoHappyEndings - 30/9/2017 17:15 - United States - Dundalk

Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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By Jebus - 24/1/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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By scarred for life - 21/9/2012 10:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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By areyouserious - 17/11/2014 03:46 - United States - Fresno

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

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By Velian - 9/12/2008 08:59 - France

Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. 20 minutes later, when the programme came to an end, she said "I wish you'd let me watch TV in peace!". FML

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By - 29/12/2020 18:00

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2013 14:31 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By Stinkbomber - 24/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By gnafron - 31/12/2014 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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By lil123 - 25/3/2012 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

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By jack - 28/2/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By brunnells22 - 23/6/2020 23:00

Bob the Builder

Today, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for building an Ikea shelf/dresser combo completely by myself. When going to put the last drawer together, I dropped one of the boards. The corner landed perfectly in the middle of my phone screen, shattering it. It's going to cost $230 to fix it. FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By NotSoAnon - 13/8/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By forgetful - 30/10/2015 21:16 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

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By James - 6/9/2019 02:04

Windows 2019

Today, a group of angry women stormed my boss’s office, complaining I was harassing them and peeping through their windows. I'm a window washer, and these women never buy curtains. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Denied!

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

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By Charles - 22/2/2009 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

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By Nora - 12/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By barebackingit - 4/11/2013 19:17 - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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Top comments

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

COMMENTS

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4212792 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

We all know a dog thinks the same as its master :)

Reply

burninnapalm | 5

#4212813 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:17

Guess which one is on her period

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213447 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:27

Bad doggy!!! You need to get yourself a new dog that can handle himself!

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4213541 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:43

Good conversation starter xD

Reply

micahsmommy | 13

#4213661 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:13

As long as the dog didn't mark his territory on her she's still fair game.

Reply

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4213801 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:58

I bet the girls had the hump after that.

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213875 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:30

Haha. Well, if she didn't think it was funny, she's not right for you :)

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4214119 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:19

93 - is that right? Get the fuck off FML you spamming dick.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4214134 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:30

Will the mods please delete the spamming comment of 93's?

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#4214139 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:32

The girls must have been really attractive.

Reply

lovepandorasaver | 11

#4214895 - Sunday 25 March 2012 23:16

Don't blame the dog for making the move wayy before you probably would have, could have still played it in your favor though

Reply

WOGBRO | 6

#4217838 - Monday 26 March 2012 13:45

Like a boss.
PS: lucky dog!!!!!

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4212777 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

You win this time dog.....

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213438 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:24

Nice guys finish last...

Reply

Feared | 9

#4213780 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:51

And sometimes nice guys don't get to "finish".

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4213978 - Sunday 25 March 2012 19:13

Cock blocked by man's best friend...

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4214168 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:42

At least the dog got some

Reply

TheThree | 0

#4214354 - Sunday 25 March 2012 21:02

I think I'm in love
:D

Reply

SweetlyPsycho | 4

#4214617 - Sunday 25 March 2012 22:01

107- I feel so out of place when I see your comments!!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4217636 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:29

"Stupid dog! You made me look bad!"

Reply

Rednecktified | 5

#4220881 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 6:24

Boogah Boogah Boogah!!!!

By ICATiger | 13

#4212756 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Doggy style! Look like his getting more action then you.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4213510 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:36

The dog obviously thought the girl was cute too.

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213555 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:48

It's the doggy greetings!

Reply

RavenJay | 7

#4217665 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:35

One day. One day.

Reply

ewang_ | 12

#5187046 - Monday 26 November 2012 13:37

*He's, *Than. You're welcome.

By x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4212758 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Haha that's hilarious! But still, FYL

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213561 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

I'd say he deserves it! The dog taught him the only way he'll ever get a girl is to show her your affection on the first sight! He should start taking notes!!!

Reply

br0dawg | 6

#4213892 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:37

hell fuckin' yeah!

we should all bark viciously at that one special girl and then mount her without hesitation! that'll really win her over!!!

Reply

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4213909 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:44

79, my heart is now putty in your hands from imaging what you just said.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4220010 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 3:27

89- Learn how to spell imagining, will you? (I'm a grammar nazi....)

By juicifer | 0

#4212759 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

He only did what you were thinking

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4223428 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:55

He chose his girl, you're the wingman; take the other one!

By annihil8or | 15

#4212761 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

U got a mean dog

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213466 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:29

That dog is a rapist.

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4213522 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:40

26- Oh Really? Well then. His climbin' up yo windows. Snatching yo people up!

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213544 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:45

I believe I can flyyyyyy
I believe I can touch the skyyyy
Da...da... Daaaaa....

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213880 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:32

Trololol

Reply

KaD6 | 23

#4214121 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:22

He's lucky it wasn't me walking down the street. I'd have sprayed his shithound in the face with HALT mace for dogs. And him if he complained about it. Get control of your dog or don't have one.

By Big_Chives | 7

#4212767 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:12

It's all fun and games until somebody gets mounted...

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#4213678 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:16

Right. Then it's orgasmic, beastial fun.

Reply

muFilter | 19

#4213684 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:18

The fun begins when somebody gets mounted...

Reply

mxpklx | 12

#4216726 - Monday 26 March 2012 6:58

Correction: it's all fun and games till somebody get mounted in a fursuit.

By ohmandapants | 16

#4212772 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

Your dog has picked your mate for you. I'd go with his decision if I were you.

Reply

AkshaySauce | 5

#4213564 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

The dog was just test driving for you.

Reply

golong77 | 0

#4215606 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:48

Would you wanna be picked because your bf's dog mounted you???

Reply

ohmandapants | 16

#4215721 - Monday 26 March 2012 2:12

Dude are you serious? Do you know what a joke is?

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4219806 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 2:23

121, dude, never take anyone on fml seriously.

Reply

varamor | 1

#4227825 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 15:38

Haha don't worrie I would pick u if my dog mounted you ;) ;)

By thelinlinx3 | 10

#4212783 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:14

Well, come on, there's a bright side to this: your dog only mounted on ONE of the girls. You still have one more cute girl that you can maybe impress :D

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213499 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:34

He sensed that the other girl had smelly armpits and has bits and pieces of crap on her vagaga.

Reply

thelinlinx3 | 10

#4213806 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:59

Dammit. All hope is lost.

Reply

Epikouros | 31

#4214333 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:58

@31: Yeah, because dogs are noted for being picky and hygienic...

By jumpshot32 | 11

#4212795 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

You snooze you lose!!