Animals: Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school... - FML

By PicklesMcRaptor - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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Late term

The Summoner

Backwards world

By Cam - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

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By nonymous human subject - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By sirengamer - United States

Today, I was at my job where we buy precious metals. A man came in and said, "Here, I have something special for you." He then pulled a tooth out of his mouth that had dental gold on it and placed in it my bare hand. Yeah, special indeed. FML

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By wait..what - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

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By Teste - Spain

Today, I passed by a cute girl who was staring intensely at me. When I glanced in her direction, she smiled. Taking this as a positive sign, I approached her. Before I could say anything, she handed me a flyer explaining the benefits of STD testing. Apparently, I look like I need it. FML

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By NewMommy29 - 2/7/2021 00:01

Due date

Today, my sister refused to come to the hospital with the rest of my family to visit my new baby. Apparently, I’m an "attention hogging slutbag" because I "chose to go into labor" on her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

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By whippingpost

Drunken lout

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By "Keira McArthur"

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

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By Anonymous

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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By kel - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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By dentedmercedes - United States - Berkley

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

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By Lola - France

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

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By sue

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

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By Mike - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

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By Arcanin3Boss - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By downer - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

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By badbride - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

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By mississpissi - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By IbetIgotAIDS - United States

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

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By GroosedOut - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By Who1s269 - United States

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

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By helosthisshit - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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By MyLife

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By starboi - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By not a photographer

Mom gets some

Today, my mom asked me to take a picture of her and a friend before they went out to dinner. I was getting ready to take the picture when I noticed the box showing the most recent picture. It was a nude. Of my mom. FML

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Top comments

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

COMMENTS

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4212792 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

We all know a dog thinks the same as its master :)

Reply

burninnapalm | 5

#4212813 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:17

Guess which one is on her period

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213447 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:27

Bad doggy!!! You need to get yourself a new dog that can handle himself!

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4213541 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:43

Good conversation starter xD

Reply

micahsmommy | 13

#4213661 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:13

As long as the dog didn't mark his territory on her she's still fair game.

Reply

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4213801 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:58

I bet the girls had the hump after that.

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213875 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:30

Haha. Well, if she didn't think it was funny, she's not right for you :)

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4214119 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:19

93 - is that right? Get the fuck off FML you spamming dick.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4214134 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:30

Will the mods please delete the spamming comment of 93's?

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#4214139 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:32

The girls must have been really attractive.

Reply

lovepandorasaver | 11

#4214895 - Sunday 25 March 2012 23:16

Don't blame the dog for making the move wayy before you probably would have, could have still played it in your favor though

Reply

WOGBRO | 6

#4217838 - Monday 26 March 2012 13:45

Like a boss.
PS: lucky dog!!!!!

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4212777 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

You win this time dog.....

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213438 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:24

Nice guys finish last...

Reply

Feared | 9

#4213780 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:51

And sometimes nice guys don't get to "finish".

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4213978 - Sunday 25 March 2012 19:13

Cock blocked by man's best friend...

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4214168 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:42

At least the dog got some

Reply

TheThree | 0

#4214354 - Sunday 25 March 2012 21:02

I think I'm in love
:D

Reply

SweetlyPsycho | 4

#4214617 - Sunday 25 March 2012 22:01

107- I feel so out of place when I see your comments!!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4217636 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:29

"Stupid dog! You made me look bad!"

Reply

Rednecktified | 5

#4220881 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 6:24

Boogah Boogah Boogah!!!!

By ICATiger | 13

#4212756 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Doggy style! Look like his getting more action then you.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4213510 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:36

The dog obviously thought the girl was cute too.

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213555 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:48

It's the doggy greetings!

Reply

RavenJay | 7

#4217665 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:35

One day. One day.

Reply

ewang_ | 12

#5187046 - Monday 26 November 2012 13:37

*He's, *Than. You're welcome.

By x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4212758 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Haha that's hilarious! But still, FYL

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213561 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

I'd say he deserves it! The dog taught him the only way he'll ever get a girl is to show her your affection on the first sight! He should start taking notes!!!

Reply

br0dawg | 6

#4213892 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:37

hell fuckin' yeah!

we should all bark viciously at that one special girl and then mount her without hesitation! that'll really win her over!!!

Reply

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4213909 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:44

79, my heart is now putty in your hands from imaging what you just said.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4220010 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 3:27

89- Learn how to spell imagining, will you? (I'm a grammar nazi....)

By juicifer | 0

#4212759 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

He only did what you were thinking

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4223428 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:55

He chose his girl, you're the wingman; take the other one!

By annihil8or | 15

#4212761 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

U got a mean dog

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213466 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:29

That dog is a rapist.

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4213522 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:40

26- Oh Really? Well then. His climbin' up yo windows. Snatching yo people up!

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213544 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:45

I believe I can flyyyyyy
I believe I can touch the skyyyy
Da...da... Daaaaa....

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213880 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:32

Trololol

By Big_Chives | 7

#4212767 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:12

It's all fun and games until somebody gets mounted...

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#4213678 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:16

Right. Then it's orgasmic, beastial fun.

Reply

muFilter | 19

#4213684 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:18

The fun begins when somebody gets mounted...

Reply

mxpklx | 12

#4216726 - Monday 26 March 2012 6:58

Correction: it's all fun and games till somebody get mounted in a fursuit.

By ohmandapants | 16

#4212772 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

Your dog has picked your mate for you. I'd go with his decision if I were you.

Reply

AkshaySauce | 5

#4213564 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

The dog was just test driving for you.

Reply

golong77 | 0

#4215606 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:48

Would you wanna be picked because your bf's dog mounted you???

Reply

ohmandapants | 16

#4215721 - Monday 26 March 2012 2:12

Dude are you serious? Do you know what a joke is?

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4219806 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 2:23

121, dude, never take anyone on fml seriously.

Reply

varamor | 1

#4227825 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 15:38

Haha don't worrie I would pick u if my dog mounted you ;) ;)

By thelinlinx3 | 10

#4212783 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:14

Well, come on, there's a bright side to this: your dog only mounted on ONE of the girls. You still have one more cute girl that you can maybe impress :D

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213499 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:34

He sensed that the other girl had smelly armpits and has bits and pieces of crap on her vagaga.

Reply

thelinlinx3 | 10

#4213806 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:59

Dammit. All hope is lost.

Reply

Epikouros | 31

#4214333 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:58

@31: Yeah, because dogs are noted for being picky and hygienic...

By jumpshot32 | 11

#4212795 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

You snooze you lose!!