Animals: Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school... - FML

By PicklesMcRaptor - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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Season finale

Minefield

Forever the bridesmaid

By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By inder - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By nick - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

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By RjsBabe - United States - Tulare

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancé is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been 2 months. FML

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By RedWaters - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 21:27 - India - Bangalore

Jack of all trades…

Today, I'm a generalist with moderate knowledge of multiple domains, but since I'm not a specialist in any, I'm not getting a job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By creeper - United States

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. When the show was over I got the chance to meet them. When I met the guitarist and told him my name, he recognized me. To my disappointment it was as the facebook creeper. FML

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By hottytodday - United States - Oxford

Courtesy visit

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By ... - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By Fatty - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

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By AlphaKappa

Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML

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By Micawber - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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By damn - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

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By oohrahgal - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By asnolt - United States

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By loverpants - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By Doublescrewed

Today, I showed up for my first shift in my new night job; I now work at an apartment complex in the day and a gas station at night. It turns out that our biggest problem tenant in the former happens to be my boss in the latter. FML

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By WellFineThen - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

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By Llaurin - United Kingdom

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

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By omen - 2/9/2020 10:01 - Indonesia - Majalengka

The future

Today, I have to take care of my abusive grandpa. He's smearing poop all over the wall and peeing on the bed again. It's still morning and I'm bracing myself for doing this five times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

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By Ves - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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Top comments

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

COMMENTS

By beaglegun2009 | 4

#4212751 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Good doggy!!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4212792 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

We all know a dog thinks the same as its master :)

Reply

burninnapalm | 5

#4212813 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:17

Guess which one is on her period

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213447 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:27

Bad doggy!!! You need to get yourself a new dog that can handle himself!

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4213541 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:43

Good conversation starter xD

Reply

micahsmommy | 13

#4213661 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:13

As long as the dog didn't mark his territory on her she's still fair game.

Reply

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4213801 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:58

I bet the girls had the hump after that.

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213875 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:30

Haha. Well, if she didn't think it was funny, she's not right for you :)

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4214119 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:19

93 - is that right? Get the fuck off FML you spamming dick.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4214134 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:30

Will the mods please delete the spamming comment of 93's?

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#4214139 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:32

The girls must have been really attractive.

Reply

lovepandorasaver | 11

#4214895 - Sunday 25 March 2012 23:16

Don't blame the dog for making the move wayy before you probably would have, could have still played it in your favor though

Reply

WOGBRO | 6

#4217838 - Monday 26 March 2012 13:45

Like a boss.
PS: lucky dog!!!!!

By ElricMustang | 23

#4212754 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:10

Damn; the dog beat you to it. FYL

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4212777 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

You win this time dog.....

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213438 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:24

Nice guys finish last...

Reply

Feared | 9

#4213780 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:51

And sometimes nice guys don't get to "finish".

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4213978 - Sunday 25 March 2012 19:13

Cock blocked by man's best friend...

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4214168 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:42

At least the dog got some

Reply

TheThree | 0

#4214354 - Sunday 25 March 2012 21:02

I think I'm in love
:D

Reply

SweetlyPsycho | 4

#4214617 - Sunday 25 March 2012 22:01

107- I feel so out of place when I see your comments!!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4217636 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:29

"Stupid dog! You made me look bad!"

Reply

Rednecktified | 5

#4220881 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 6:24

Boogah Boogah Boogah!!!!

By ICATiger | 13

#4212756 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Doggy style! Look like his getting more action then you.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4213510 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:36

The dog obviously thought the girl was cute too.

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213555 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:48

It's the doggy greetings!

Reply

RavenJay | 7

#4217665 - Monday 26 March 2012 12:35

One day. One day.

Reply

ewang_ | 12

#5187046 - Monday 26 November 2012 13:37

*He's, *Than. You're welcome.

By x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4212758 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

Haha that's hilarious! But still, FYL

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213561 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

I'd say he deserves it! The dog taught him the only way he'll ever get a girl is to show her your affection on the first sight! He should start taking notes!!!

Reply

br0dawg | 6

#4213892 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:37

hell fuckin' yeah!

we should all bark viciously at that one special girl and then mount her without hesitation! that'll really win her over!!!

Reply

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4213909 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:44

79, my heart is now putty in your hands from imaging what you just said.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4220010 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 3:27

89- Learn how to spell imagining, will you? (I'm a grammar nazi....)

By juicifer | 0

#4212759 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

He only did what you were thinking

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4223428 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 19:55

He chose his girl, you're the wingman; take the other one!

By annihil8or | 15

#4212761 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:11

U got a mean dog

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213466 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:29

That dog is a rapist.

Reply

ICATiger | 13

#4213522 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:40

26- Oh Really? Well then. His climbin' up yo windows. Snatching yo people up!

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213544 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:45

I believe I can flyyyyyy
I believe I can touch the skyyyy
Da...da... Daaaaa....

Reply

Maddidaddi | 0

#4213880 - Sunday 25 March 2012 18:32

Trololol

By Big_Chives | 7

#4212767 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:12

It's all fun and games until somebody gets mounted...

Reply

2ndSucks | 15

#4213678 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:16

Right. Then it's orgasmic, beastial fun.

Reply

muFilter | 19

#4213684 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:18

The fun begins when somebody gets mounted...

Reply

mxpklx | 12

#4216726 - Monday 26 March 2012 6:58

Correction: it's all fun and games till somebody get mounted in a fursuit.

By ohmandapants | 16

#4212772 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:13

Your dog has picked your mate for you. I'd go with his decision if I were you.

Reply

AkshaySauce | 5

#4213564 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:50

The dog was just test driving for you.

Reply

golong77 | 0

#4215606 - Monday 26 March 2012 1:48

Would you wanna be picked because your bf's dog mounted you???

Reply

ohmandapants | 16

#4215721 - Monday 26 March 2012 2:12

Dude are you serious? Do you know what a joke is?

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#4219806 - Tuesday 27 March 2012 2:23

121, dude, never take anyone on fml seriously.

Reply

varamor | 1

#4227825 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 15:38

Haha don't worrie I would pick u if my dog mounted you ;) ;)

By thelinlinx3 | 10

#4212783 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:14

Well, come on, there's a bright side to this: your dog only mounted on ONE of the girls. You still have one more cute girl that you can maybe impress :D

Reply

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4213499 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:34

He sensed that the other girl had smelly armpits and has bits and pieces of crap on her vagaga.

Reply

thelinlinx3 | 10

#4213806 - Sunday 25 March 2012 17:59

Dammit. All hope is lost.

Reply

Epikouros | 31

#4214333 - Sunday 25 March 2012 20:58

@31: Yeah, because dogs are noted for being picky and hygienic...

By jumpshot32 | 11

#4212795 - Sunday 25 March 2012 16:15

You snooze you lose!!