Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare,...

By LifeSucks - 29/10/2008 11:57 - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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Kids

Fear factor

Honesty is the best policy

Compassion

By 2classicNot2 - 9/4/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By Dontsitsitandyoudie - 2/5/2017 14:00 - Iceland - Reykjav?k

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

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By sozzy - 7/7/2012 07:26 - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2016 15:53 - United States - Franklin

Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:58 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

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By Daniel_rules - 17/4/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - 4/8/2016 18:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By Satver7 - 10/3/2017 22:00

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By etahrabayraa - 27/6/2020 08:08

Instadrama

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

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By I did them anyway - 20/7/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

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By jlee0000785 - 17/9/2012 14:15 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 07:06 - Australia - Subiaco

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

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By BobsBabe2 - 24/10/2012 05:15 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 23:14 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By desperate905 - 21/2/2012 08:10 - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, it was my two-and-a-half year anniversary with my girlfriend, a small but noble occasion. She surprised me with an invention of hers, a plate of triple-chocolate double-mint cookies topped with Andes mints. I surprised her by crashing her new Mustang into a cement divider. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By life// - 8/1/2013 23:56 - Canada - Fort Mcmurray

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

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By wantontsu - 11/9/2010 18:59

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By f - 9/11/2013 23:30 - United States - Hubert

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

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By alix - 24/8/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By Oh-Shit! - 10/8/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By Odnel - 27/7/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By bchorror - 22/4/2020 02:00

One ring to…

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

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By trash80 - 21/2/2018 19:00

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

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By DamnDogs - 5/3/2012 10:28 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

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By ElevatorThug - 25/8/2009 09:17 - Singapore

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

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By lolk - 10/3/2013 07:41 - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By textraped - 16/3/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 20:00

Breaking Badly

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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Top comments

By Light_Ty | 0

#189894 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 1:36

Only God knows what goes through the mind of a toddler... I watched some videos of me as a kiddy and, when people spoke to me... All I did was stare at them for like, 5 minutes o.o

By TheOptimist | 0

#1100082 - Saturday 17 July 2010 3:07

When this site first started out, instead of putting 'Comment Moderated' over unnacceptable comments, they would delete the post altogether and all the previous comments would move up numbers. He wasn't number seven when he posted that.

Comments

By dang_fml | 0

#9128 - Saturday 28 February 2009 6:17

agree with #7 lol

authorkid | 2

#1046418 - Sunday 27 June 2010 23:04

u r #7...

TheOptimist | 0

#1100082 - Saturday 17 July 2010 3:07

By Playtimeismine | 0

#54349 - Tuesday 24 March 2009 4:00

I don't get it??

By xMooMoox | 0

#72849 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 20:15

Lol at #1. Maybe you guys need to have other people call you mommy/daddy etc. I have 2 younger brothers and an older sister so everyone in the house calls Mom the name Mom lol. My youngest brother (hes 2) calls all women mama (including me) and all men dada but he doesn't talk that much so he doesn't know many other words. Just a thought.

By Fayeanne | 0

#101541 - Saturday 11 April 2009 7:56

yeah..to your wife

By BayArea | 1

#118510 - Friday 17 April 2009 6:46

aww shit...have a talk wit dat beezy wife of yours.

By ah_poo | 0

#154857 - Wednesday 29 April 2009 23:22

uh oh!! somebodys in trouble!! i bet ur wife is cheatin on u.

By 24788 | 6

#170882 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 13:14

Lol at #1.

By Light_Ty | 0

#189894 - Tuesday 12 May 2009 1:36

Only God knows what goes through the mind of a toddler... I watched some videos of me as a kiddy and, when people spoke to me... All I did was stare at them for like, 5 minutes o.o

By KristelDreams | 0

#205240 - Sunday 17 May 2009 5:39

It's time to go on Maury

blko | 0

#1685669 - Friday 12 November 2010 6:05

Lmao agreed!

By butch_babe | 0

#239683 - Thursday 28 May 2009 18:10

haha # 16