Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he...

By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28605

You deserved it

4716

Favorite

Intimacy

White line fever

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Dicks aplenty!

By thank u usa - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44941

You deserved it

3545

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18672

You deserved it

34686

Favorite

By HazzaBoo - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25551

You deserved it

2949

Favorite

By amburrr - United States

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57767

You deserved it

2642

Favorite

By RIP_Nose - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41585

You deserved it

3864

Favorite

By col - 4/9/2020 01:56

We're on a break

Today, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me we needed a break, and that we could try again at the end of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1233

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By LadyGore - Canada

Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28282

You deserved it

6515

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By Anonymous

Where is it?

Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1492

You deserved it

350

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By therewasnocurtain - United States - Lewiston

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35925

You deserved it

2523

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By Anonymous

Today, in my tidy, small-town neighborhood, I parked my car 50 metres further back from my usual spot just across from our house on a half-empty public street, because it was taken. Apparently, someone didn't appreciate this. So much so, they put a used condom under my windshield wiper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1421

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By blahbags - United Kingdom

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56704

You deserved it

17729

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By a4rk - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24700

You deserved it

4456

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned how it feels to sneeze after having major spinal surgery when the pain medication has almost completely worn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25321

You deserved it

1578

Favorite

By jobless - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11862

You deserved it

909

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19238

You deserved it

7845

Favorite

By failed_catgirl - Canada

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19350

You deserved it

38732

Favorite

By kezbabes - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49975

You deserved it

3898

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2256

You deserved it

618

Favorite

By lonergirl - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34985

You deserved it

3911

Favorite

By Ren - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41145

You deserved it

5621

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By nyebust - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30115

You deserved it

8096

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By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53055

You deserved it

4427

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By Ughh! - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38897

You deserved it

3282

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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53021

You deserved it

6918

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By notawizard - Spain

Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33245

You deserved it

94887

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By Anonymous

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6720

You deserved it

348

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By can’t sleep - 17/6/2020 17:04

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, and for the fourth time in a week, my 60-year-old neighbors have woken me up by having obnoxiously loud sex. Complete with over the top moaning and the headboard smashing against our shared wall. When I asked them nicely to quiet down, they laughed and called me jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1713

You deserved it

281

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By missmisfit - Canada - Montreal

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

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23945

You deserved it

3260

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

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25867

You deserved it

3216

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38083

You deserved it

4163

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1680

You deserved it

157

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By Anonymous

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1865

You deserved it

263

Favorite

By fishy situation

Today, my friend is furious with me because while I was watching her various fish for two weeks, I failed to feed her favorite fish and it died. The reason I didn't take care of it was because she never told me she had it, that it was in her room unlike the rest of the fish, so I never saw it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4961

You deserved it

365

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By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26542

You deserved it

2809

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By leaannec30 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6730

You deserved it

11742

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By AkaiKitsune

The Trifecta

Today, after blacking out from fever, I found out that the reason I've been feeling so sick is that I've somehow come down with pneumonia, strep, and the common cold all at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4031

You deserved it

251

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By ilovesocks - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31678

You deserved it

6392

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By Lou

I chose 2 children to buy Christmas for from the local crisis center. Delivered the gifts to the designated spot. Receive a message on fb 4 days later asking when I will be dropping off my toys. Seems they’ve been misplaced. Merry Christmas to all.

I agree, your life sucks

2193

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122

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By Username - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11918

You deserved it

59800

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

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25523

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2595

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Top comments

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

COMMENTS

By responses | 0

#889108 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:04

hahaha

bleedinginside | 0

#889182 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

bite his sandwich off

sublimaze | 6

#889209 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:28

lol. i bet your bf is greek and gives massages. see the post from 2 days ago

Darraghscoot | 0

#889225 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:33

get over it :)

snickerfudles | 0

#889260 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:43

first

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889277 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:48

fail, you're 34

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889286 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:50

i be up in the kitchen, making cockmeat sandwiches.

snickerfudles | 0

#889355 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:10

first

tofuzoo52 | 0

#889465 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:53

LMAO #20

lmfao1643 | 3

#889468 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:54

I thought that was a turn on.

Jrook | 0

#889556 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:33

@38 I'd say that is sexy but it's sounds very much like you're dismembering people

babybubz | 0

#889609 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:04

LOL..
Harold and Kumar ftw..

Enoch134 | 0

#889808 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:49

38 merry me

vrock | 0

#889856 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:59

no brydd she was giving HIM head which mean a bj dumbass

elchiclebubalu | 2

#889938 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:32

Harold and kumar.
lol best movie ever

Boygenius50 | 8

#890025 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:31

How merry are you? It's marry you dumbass

yoourface | 0

#890208 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:21

so did you eat it ?

marc33 | 0

#890236 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:39

so is OP guy or girl..? could be either one.. but didn't say..! :?)

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890370 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:44

way does ftw mean?

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890376 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:45

I mean wat

Ayre | 0

#890402 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:55

lol was just about to say that

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#890624 - Thursday 25 February 2010 7:43

extra mayo, bitch

brianred5 | 0

#891550 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:28

lol @ 74

brianred5 | 0

#891556 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:30

71 not 74

dude247 | 0

#892413 - Thursday 25 February 2010 22:12

@ does not mean and or number

retarted ppl

papichulo1411 | 0

#893369 - Friday 26 February 2010 6:35

can you give me one???

cjHidalgo | 0

#898379 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:09

yur eyes are closed

papichulo1411 | 0

#899721 - Sunday 28 February 2010 7:23

"ring my bell" let's hook up!

rennobeinna | 0

#901654 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:32

definately!!

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#907161 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 10:15

"Eat that spicy taco!" XD

fizzymonsterman | 0

#982979 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 7:56

in soviet russia cockmeat sandwich eat you!

fuzzywazzy012 | 0

#1066195 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 3:52

Your hot

ZTB13 | 4

#1075575 - Friday 9 July 2010 20:48

Is his name Big Bob?

Draeven_fml | 0

#1402090 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 4:44

please don't let it be big bob

alexturntwo | 0

#3144764 - Saturday 20 August 2011 7:24

haha

By oregonshitty | 4

#889112 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:05

haha gross

kniickles | 0

#889377 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:18

totes!!!

13lack | 0

#890057 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:46

his favorite drink is steak.

By MegMM | 0

#889115 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:06

ewwww nasty!

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

blake10w | 0

#889197 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:25

great movie lol

jellybean120 | 10

#889236 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:36

Oh! I love that movie. the part where kumar's fuckin the bag of weed's hilarious!

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889770 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:36

@26 yes! hahaha

BATjr | 0

#890495 - Thursday 25 February 2010 5:51

lmaaaooo!

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

Colin466 | 0

#889338 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:06

something like ... lick those beef curtains!

bobsaten | 0

#890525 - Thursday 25 February 2010 6:21

^ This

beer01 | 0

#890665 - Thursday 25 February 2010 8:26

hahhaha! I think that would just make me laugh. 

CooLbEAnS1096 | 0

#899641 - Sunday 28 February 2010 6:35

Eat that bean taco!

By vincespektor | 0

#889133 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

that's hott

Joey7361 | 0

#889255 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:42

no 26 is hot

gDwane | 0

#2131102 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:35

yur mustache is hott

Sydni_1022 | 8

#5744631 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 19:14

That's nasty!

By blaaaaakely | 0

#889139 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:12

what a gentleman

nickforthewin | 0

#889179 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

I agree

perdix | 29

#889983 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:57

No, blaaaakely, if he were a gentleman, he would have said, "Eat my cockmeat sandwich, please" or even better, "Would you kindly do me the pleasure of eating my cockmeat sandwich, if you please?"

You can learn these things at the Junior League. Btw, I love the downshirt photo ;)