Intimacy: Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he...

By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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Intimacy

Great guy

People are strange

Slasher

By Anonymous - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

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34898

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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12286

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22181

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By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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26317

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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687

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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48653

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By Anonymous

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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2738

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By car_FAILure - New Zealand

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

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By niquey62307 - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

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By - France

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine, it wasn't and someone had put out their cigarette in it. FML

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27431

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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30925

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By QuickieGirl - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

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33244

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By wtf3456 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

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31787

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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2098

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242

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By David3000 - Australia

Today, I finally finished my 500 page manuscript and so went out to buy some paper to print it off. I get back home and find out my dad has infected my computer with a virus and the only way to save it was to wipe the hard drive, which he did. That script took me a year and I have no backup. FML

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42758

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By Fantastic - United States

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

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12086

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By FinanciallyF*ked

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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3093

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181

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By nikaea - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

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47778

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3536

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By :( - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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20182

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1969

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By Dunnie

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

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2432

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By welp - United States - Grass Lake

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

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20433

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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29914

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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50978

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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27926

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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22539

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By BIZZMAL - United States

Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

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10262

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By ramis182 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

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27453

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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42524

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By A. - United States

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

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42197

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By thisshtissad

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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1063

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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46132

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

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31710

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By Anonymous

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

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8699

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By thefuckman - United States

Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise, fresh coffee, and a bleached lawn. My neighbors on both sides have constantly fought with each other since before I even moved in, which I guess explains the note taped to my window saying, "Pick a side." FML

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23455

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By Aldoch

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

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35935

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By pissedandpoor - United States - Meadville

Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML

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18918

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By why me

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

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22714

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By QuestionMyLife - United States

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

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By Dave - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

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Top comments

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

COMMENTS

By responses | 0

#889108 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:04

hahaha

bleedinginside | 0

#889182 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

bite his sandwich off

sublimaze | 6

#889209 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:28

lol. i bet your bf is greek and gives massages. see the post from 2 days ago

Darraghscoot | 0

#889225 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:33

get over it :)

snickerfudles | 0

#889260 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:43

first

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889277 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:48

fail, you're 34

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889286 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:50

i be up in the kitchen, making cockmeat sandwiches.

snickerfudles | 0

#889355 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:10

first

tofuzoo52 | 0

#889465 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:53

LMAO #20

lmfao1643 | 3

#889468 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:54

I thought that was a turn on.

Jrook | 0

#889556 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:33

@38 I'd say that is sexy but it's sounds very much like you're dismembering people

babybubz | 0

#889609 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:04

LOL..
Harold and Kumar ftw..

Enoch134 | 0

#889808 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:49

38 merry me

vrock | 0

#889856 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:59

no brydd she was giving HIM head which mean a bj dumbass

elchiclebubalu | 2

#889938 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:32

Harold and kumar.
lol best movie ever

Boygenius50 | 8

#890025 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:31

How merry are you? It's marry you dumbass

yoourface | 0

#890208 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:21

so did you eat it ?

marc33 | 0

#890236 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:39

so is OP guy or girl..? could be either one.. but didn't say..! :?)

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890370 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:44

way does ftw mean?

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890376 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:45

I mean wat

Ayre | 0

#890402 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:55

lol was just about to say that

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#890624 - Thursday 25 February 2010 7:43

extra mayo, bitch

brianred5 | 0

#891550 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:28

lol @ 74

brianred5 | 0

#891556 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:30

71 not 74

dude247 | 0

#892413 - Thursday 25 February 2010 22:12

@ does not mean and or number

retarted ppl

papichulo1411 | 0

#893369 - Friday 26 February 2010 6:35

can you give me one???

cjHidalgo | 0

#898379 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:09

yur eyes are closed

papichulo1411 | 0

#899721 - Sunday 28 February 2010 7:23

"ring my bell" let's hook up!

rennobeinna | 0

#901654 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:32

definately!!

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#907161 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 10:15

"Eat that spicy taco!" XD

fizzymonsterman | 0

#982979 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 7:56

in soviet russia cockmeat sandwich eat you!

fuzzywazzy012 | 0

#1066195 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 3:52

Your hot

ZTB13 | 4

#1075575 - Friday 9 July 2010 20:48

Is his name Big Bob?

Draeven_fml | 0

#1402090 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 4:44

please don't let it be big bob

alexturntwo | 0

#3144764 - Saturday 20 August 2011 7:24

haha

By oregonshitty | 4

#889112 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:05

haha gross

kniickles | 0

#889377 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:18

totes!!!

13lack | 0

#890057 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:46

his favorite drink is steak.

By MegMM | 0

#889115 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:06

ewwww nasty!

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

blake10w | 0

#889197 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:25

great movie lol

jellybean120 | 10

#889236 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:36

Oh! I love that movie. the part where kumar's fuckin the bag of weed's hilarious!

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889770 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:36

@26 yes! hahaha

BATjr | 0

#890495 - Thursday 25 February 2010 5:51

lmaaaooo!

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

Colin466 | 0

#889338 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:06

something like ... lick those beef curtains!

bobsaten | 0

#890525 - Thursday 25 February 2010 6:21

^ This

beer01 | 0

#890665 - Thursday 25 February 2010 8:26

hahhaha! I think that would just make me laugh. 

CooLbEAnS1096 | 0

#899641 - Sunday 28 February 2010 6:35

Eat that bean taco!

By vincespektor | 0

#889133 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

that's hott

Joey7361 | 0

#889255 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:42

no 26 is hot

gDwane | 0

#2131102 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:35

yur mustache is hott

Sydni_1022 | 8

#5744631 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 19:14

That's nasty!

By blaaaaakely | 0

#889139 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:12

what a gentleman

nickforthewin | 0

#889179 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

I agree

perdix | 29

#889983 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:57

No, blaaaakely, if he were a gentleman, he would have said, "Eat my cockmeat sandwich, please" or even better, "Would you kindly do me the pleasure of eating my cockmeat sandwich, if you please?"

You can learn these things at the Junior League. Btw, I love the downshirt photo ;)