Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he...

By Username - 24/2/2010 15:06 - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

DINOSAURS!!

In my day…

By derve - 7/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By missPiggy - 26/10/2015 08:27 - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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By got to be kidding me - 2/5/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By WhoNose - 6/11/2016 23:52

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

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By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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By supapimpin - 25/9/2012 15:09 - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

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By disappointed dad - 19/5/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By Augh. - 9/10/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

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By Erik Aleckson - 5/5/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

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By dadoftheyear - 7/5/2015 03:27 - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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By Alicia - 13/5/2010 22:49 - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By rice_cake - 22/5/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

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By Lovers lost... - 24/3/2018 19:00

Today, my crush won the bet that I made with him yesterday. The bet? That he couldn't land a date by the end of the day. Not only am I down $10, but a possible boyfriend too. FML

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By in_side_out - 14/1/2010 11:26 - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

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By briscoe - 29/9/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

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By smellyhouse - 27/11/2011 10:19 - Canada

Today, my brother decided deodorant causes cancer. He goes to the gym every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 08:38

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

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By bitter cherry - 29/9/2010 21:29 - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By JadedBaker - 8/7/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

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By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

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By getting real crafty.. - 5/7/2015 15:51 - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

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By karebear - 9/9/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By Whoops - 2/11/2018 14:00

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By deserted - 1/9/2010 07:05 - France

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2012 13:49 - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By flatchested Sam - 1/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By ex-wife - 25/5/2018 09:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old ex-husband and the 20-year-old skank he cheated on me with are buying the house next door to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 04:17 - Canada

Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML

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By NeverGonnaGetIt - 27/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Wayne

Today, I went on my 56th job interview since graduating from college 3 months ago. I am 31 years old and I spent 11 years in college. I only graduated with a Bachelor's Degree after all those years, but I am still not qualified for anything due to how long it took me to complete my degree. FML

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By bunny - 16/8/2009 13:58 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML

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By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Anon - 31/10/2009 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By single&alone - 6/3/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By Lookalike - 12/5/2014 14:38 - United States - Nitro

Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML

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By unloved - 14/10/2010 22:10 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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Top comments

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

COMMENTS

By responses | 0

#889108 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:04

hahaha

bleedinginside | 0

#889182 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

bite his sandwich off

sublimaze | 6

#889209 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:28

lol. i bet your bf is greek and gives massages. see the post from 2 days ago

Darraghscoot | 0

#889225 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:33

get over it :)

snickerfudles | 0

#889260 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:43

first

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889277 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:48

fail, you're 34

ringmybell_fml | 0

#889286 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:50

i be up in the kitchen, making cockmeat sandwiches.

snickerfudles | 0

#889355 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:10

first

tofuzoo52 | 0

#889465 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:53

LMAO #20

lmfao1643 | 3

#889468 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:54

I thought that was a turn on.

Jrook | 0

#889556 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 22:33

@38 I'd say that is sexy but it's sounds very much like you're dismembering people

babybubz | 0

#889609 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:04

LOL..
Harold and Kumar ftw..

Enoch134 | 0

#889808 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:49

38 merry me

vrock | 0

#889856 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:59

no brydd she was giving HIM head which mean a bj dumbass

elchiclebubalu | 2

#889938 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:32

Harold and kumar.
lol best movie ever

Boygenius50 | 8

#890025 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:31

How merry are you? It's marry you dumbass

yoourface | 0

#890208 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:21

so did you eat it ?

marc33 | 0

#890236 - Thursday 25 February 2010 3:39

so is OP guy or girl..? could be either one.. but didn't say..! :?)

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890370 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:44

way does ftw mean?

shadaboo2014 | 0

#890376 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:45

I mean wat

Ayre | 0

#890402 - Thursday 25 February 2010 4:55

lol was just about to say that

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#890624 - Thursday 25 February 2010 7:43

extra mayo, bitch

brianred5 | 0

#891550 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:28

lol @ 74

brianred5 | 0

#891556 - Thursday 25 February 2010 16:30

71 not 74

dude247 | 0

#892413 - Thursday 25 February 2010 22:12

@ does not mean and or number

retarted ppl

papichulo1411 | 0

#893369 - Friday 26 February 2010 6:35

can you give me one???

cjHidalgo | 0

#898379 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:09

yur eyes are closed

papichulo1411 | 0

#899721 - Sunday 28 February 2010 7:23

"ring my bell" let's hook up!

rennobeinna | 0

#901654 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:32

definately!!

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#907161 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 10:15

"Eat that spicy taco!" XD

fizzymonsterman | 0

#982979 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 7:56

in soviet russia cockmeat sandwich eat you!

fuzzywazzy012 | 0

#1066195 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 3:52

Your hot

ZTB13 | 4

#1075575 - Friday 9 July 2010 20:48

Is his name Big Bob?

Draeven_fml | 0

#1402090 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 4:44

please don't let it be big bob

alexturntwo | 0

#3144764 - Saturday 20 August 2011 7:24

haha

By oregonshitty | 4

#889112 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:05

haha gross

kniickles | 0

#889377 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:18

totes!!!

13lack | 0

#890057 - Thursday 25 February 2010 1:46

his favorite drink is steak.

By MegMM | 0

#889115 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:06

ewwww nasty!

By sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889116 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:07

lmfao! Harold and Kumar quotes! ahahahah

blake10w | 0

#889197 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:25

great movie lol

jellybean120 | 10

#889236 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:36

Oh! I love that movie. the part where kumar's fuckin the bag of weed's hilarious!

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#889770 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 23:36

@26 yes! hahaha

BATjr | 0

#890495 - Thursday 25 February 2010 5:51

lmaaaooo!

By deathartisan | 0

#889130 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

hahaha. fyl op. but he is a funny guy. you should find a better quote to pull on him if you make him go down on you

Colin466 | 0

#889338 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 21:06

something like ... lick those beef curtains!

bobsaten | 0

#890525 - Thursday 25 February 2010 6:21

^ This

beer01 | 0

#890665 - Thursday 25 February 2010 8:26

hahhaha! I think that would just make me laugh. 

CooLbEAnS1096 | 0

#899641 - Sunday 28 February 2010 6:35

Eat that bean taco!

By vincespektor | 0

#889133 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:10

that's hott

Joey7361 | 0

#889255 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:42

no 26 is hot

gDwane | 0

#2131102 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:35

yur mustache is hott

Sydni_1022 | 8

#5744631 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 19:14

That's nasty!

By blaaaaakely | 0

#889139 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:12

what a gentleman

nickforthewin | 0

#889179 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 20:20

I agree

perdix | 29

#889983 - Thursday 25 February 2010 0:57

No, blaaaakely, if he were a gentleman, he would have said, "Eat my cockmeat sandwich, please" or even better, "Would you kindly do me the pleasure of eating my cockmeat sandwich, if you please?"

You can learn these things at the Junior League. Btw, I love the downshirt photo ;)