Health: Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out,... - FML

By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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Mother of the year

Messed up

BO Central

By herdopera

Today, my parents announced they are adding a sister-wife to our very conservative Christian family. FML

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By Application - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

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By Harry - United States - Seattle

Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

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By walkingdead_1029 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

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By stupidboys - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

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By das_shizzle - 5/5/2020 23:00

Wake up call

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By pixiegirl - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By stupid_airbag - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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By svunimportant - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By Lisa - 24/4/2020 05:00

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By Sleepdeprived - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

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By cbolig

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

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By skidoosh - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

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By Foreveralone

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By masterofblues - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You're gonna make me feel bad." FML

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By silly_billy - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

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By Radgirl - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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By Wilson

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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By Apcn - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well: for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By Myriam - United States

Today, my friend asked me if she could borrow my laptop and I can pick it up later and I said ok. I stop by her house later and no one answers. The next-door neighbor says that she left to go live with her mom. She lives in Detroit. I live in Maine. FML

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By ihatepokemon - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By pizza girl - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

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By unlucky dudebag - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML

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By Weter - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

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By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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Top comments

By sthrr | 6

#2152076 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:14

I don't think you wanna know.

By perdix | 29

#2152187 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:24

Pussy juice -- she was masturbating in there. She must be a squirter.

COMMENTS

By sthrr | 6

#2152076 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:14

I don't think you wanna know.

Reply

EmoGiana | 0

#2152173 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:38

Last time I went to the bathroom, I didn't dip my hands in poo water. :3

Reply

badintentions | 0

#2152667 - Saturday 5 March 2011 20:47

I wonder if she is related to R. Kelly? "I wanna pee on youuuuu. Drip, drip, drip,...drip, drip drip. I wanna piss on youuuuu."

Reply

florecitabetch | 0

#2153652 - Sunday 6 March 2011 4:17

agree with #30

Reply

JokerJohn7 | 0

#2153848 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:45

it's vagina juice

Reply

kinghashem | 5

#2153879 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:52

that's cute ;)

By WhipMyHair | 0

#2152078 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:25

Eww gross!

By jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2152094 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:37

Well... seimen...

Reply

CodySpraker | 0

#2423583 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:50

that doesn't make any sense

By that_is_Nathy | 9

#2152096 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:34

Do yourself a favor and don't think about it

By YourWetDream | 0

#2152104 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:38

Pee...or love juice

Reply

sgenfkshe | 5

#2152775 - Saturday 5 March 2011 21:55

both. lmao.:)

Reply

thsredraider54 | 4

#2161799 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 13:12

hi

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3914243 - Friday 20 January 2012 15:34

Howdy.

See? Pointless.

By obxgal13 | 0

#2152113 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:40

soap?

Reply

lemonlift | 6

#2153605 - Sunday 6 March 2011 3:59

probably not, if she asked her friend for hand sanitizer

Reply

tournamentdecide | 33

#6039958 - Sunday 17 August 2014 0:05

maybe she puts soap before water

By perdix | 29

#2152130 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:51

She just finished masturbating and she's a squirter. What's that fluid called? Wherever it is, you got a faceful of it.

By yuggi1 | 11

#2152135 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:51

Possible answers: Urine, watery diarrhea, soap, water...
Hey, just because the sink is 'broken' doesn't mean it can't produce a little trinkle of water.

By yuggi1 | 11

#2152141 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:55

trickle* Darn autocorrect

By atomicbaboon | 0

#2152153 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:15

she probably just washed her hands in the toilet. no biggie.