Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out,... - FML

By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

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Dangling modifier

Broken bum

On the beat

By car_FAILure - New Zealand

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By lovely-sweet - France

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

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By limping - Canada

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By baldygirl - United States

Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By onlyme123

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Whatever479 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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By cuntingbitchofawhore - United States - Bloomington

Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML

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By Donewithit - United States - San Francisco

Today, my class was called to the auditorium. We were told that some asshat proctor took a picture of our testing room during out test and posted it on Facebook. Someone noticed that according to the rules, we were sitting too close to each other, so now we have to retake the whole test. FML

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By UghNo - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By memoryloss - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no he said "I figured." and giggled. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

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By mortenp - United States

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 14:00

Spreading it around

Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

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By happiestturtle - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

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By Hayley

Bad Luck Brian

Today, my doctor told me that my lungs are as bad as a 60-year-old heavy smoker's. I'm 19 and I've never touched a cigarette in my life. FML

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By hopeless - United States

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she remarked how she couldn't believe we hadn't seen each other in a year. Except not only did I attend her baby shower a few weeks ago, I spent hundreds of dollars on a unique gift. FML

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By soomeone - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

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By Likian5 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By taiannalynn5

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

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By sexyfail - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

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By unemployable - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

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By temp

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

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By Saraitkddh

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

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By zetuga - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

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By lyfisdyno - United Kingdom - Malvern

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

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By jackass - United States

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Battleford

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 14:00

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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Top comments

By sthrr | 6

#2152076 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:14

I don't think you wanna know.

By perdix | 29

#2152187 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:24

Pussy juice -- she was masturbating in there. She must be a squirter.

COMMENTS

By sthrr | 6

#2152076 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:14

I don't think you wanna know.

Reply

EmoGiana | 0

#2152173 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:38

Last time I went to the bathroom, I didn't dip my hands in poo water. :3

Reply

badintentions | 0

#2152667 - Saturday 5 March 2011 20:47

I wonder if she is related to R. Kelly? "I wanna pee on youuuuu. Drip, drip, drip,...drip, drip drip. I wanna piss on youuuuu."

Reply

florecitabetch | 0

#2153652 - Sunday 6 March 2011 4:17

agree with #30

Reply

JokerJohn7 | 0

#2153848 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:45

it's vagina juice

Reply

kinghashem | 5

#2153879 - Sunday 6 March 2011 5:52

that's cute ;)

By WhipMyHair | 0

#2152078 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:25

Eww gross!

By jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2152094 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:37

Well... seimen...

Reply

CodySpraker | 0

#2423583 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:50

that doesn't make any sense

By that_is_Nathy | 9

#2152096 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:34

Do yourself a favor and don't think about it

By YourWetDream | 0

#2152104 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:38

Pee...or love juice

Reply

sgenfkshe | 5

#2152775 - Saturday 5 March 2011 21:55

both. lmao.:)

Reply

thsredraider54 | 4

#2161799 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 13:12

hi

Reply

silentbutfunny | 0

#3914243 - Friday 20 January 2012 15:34

Howdy.

See? Pointless.

By obxgal13 | 0

#2152113 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:40

soap?

Reply

lemonlift | 6

#2153605 - Sunday 6 March 2011 3:59

probably not, if she asked her friend for hand sanitizer

Reply

tournamentdecide | 33

#6039958 - Sunday 17 August 2014 0:05

maybe she puts soap before water

By perdix | 29

#2152130 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:51

She just finished masturbating and she's a squirter. What's that fluid called? Wherever it is, you got a faceful of it.

By yuggi1 | 11

#2152135 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:51

Possible answers: Urine, watery diarrhea, soap, water...
Hey, just because the sink is 'broken' doesn't mean it can't produce a little trinkle of water.

By yuggi1 | 11

#2152141 - Saturday 5 March 2011 16:55

trickle* Darn autocorrect

By atomicbaboon | 0

#2152153 - Saturday 5 March 2011 17:15

she probably just washed her hands in the toilet. no biggie.