Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was...

By Jesusman - 08/12/2018 14:00

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 755

You deserved it 273

BO Central

Taking stock

Dementia or hate? You decide

By NotCuteEnough - 24/08/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 510

You deserved it 7 700

By Lesley - 17/02/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 917

You deserved it 6 059

By rog3rli - 13/11/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 967

You deserved it 12 668

By happiestturtle - 08/06/2016 15:21 - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 925

You deserved it 1 623

Deniers

By La theRona - 05/08/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I’m the only one in my family who's ever taken Covid seriously. This seemed to really annoy my siblings, so much so that they chased me, pulled off my mask, and dramatically coughed all over me. We’re all adults and though they found it hilarious, I’ve been having panic attacks all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 388

By cold-n-stinky - 12/01/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 758

You deserved it 9 273

By Anonymous - 02/10/2012 19:39 - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 644

You deserved it 2 945

By Stuby14 - 23/11/2015 14:31 - United States - Brookings

Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 194

You deserved it 5 746

By Brilliant... - 25/05/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 491

You deserved it 5 295

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 16:54 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 586

You deserved it 1 790

This Is Us

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 16:59

Today, I located my birth dad and asked him why I was put into care. Turns out my mom died, and since he hadn’t wanted me in the first place, he just gave me away and hoped to never see me again. He didn’t even invite me in, he threw a beer at me and threatened to call the cops unless I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 266

You deserved it 14 444

FML's OnlyFans

By Anonymous - 06/09/2020 08:01 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, I signed up for my ex’s OnlyFans. She never sent me nudes when we were dating, now she’s selling them to everyone she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 1 403

By newbffswelcome - 04/08/2013 18:07 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 755

You deserved it 4 655

By itendstonight - 09/08/2009 12:42 - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 943

You deserved it 4 364

Go anyway, see the sights

By CrazedGunMan - 02/09/2020 19:01 - Panama - Panama

Today, I could finally get a plane ticket to go see the girl I have been talking to for the past 5 months. Just as I told her the exciting news, she told me that she was no longer interested in me. Guess that's 800 dollars down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 575

By Anonymous - 06/11/2014 17:14 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 989

You deserved it 9 035

Nice girl

By Lithiac - 04/02/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 500

You deserved it 4 806

By twnty1 - 31/05/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 131

You deserved it 4 048

By Soap0015 - 16/08/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 107

You deserved it 2 790

The Times They Are a-Changin'

By Jobless - 28/03/2020 14:00

Today, I woke up early, felt very energetic, decided to run a couple of miles and bought muffins for my colleagues on my way to the office. Then my boss told me they're shutting us down. At the end of a day that started really great, I'm jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 116

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

By lazydude - 17/03/2021 11:01

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 1 461

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 15:00

Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 096

You deserved it 586

By lostmystuff - 07/07/2013 06:35 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 624

You deserved it 25 089

Thanks dad…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 561

You deserved it 2 590

By NotSteve - 18/04/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 512

You deserved it 11 150

By sarahh38 - 16/09/2009 18:23 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 139

You deserved it 105 305

By joy - 07/02/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 380

You deserved it 5 000

Put a tiger in your tank

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 08:01

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 81

By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 414

You deserved it 894

By jimmy - 19/08/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 012

You deserved it 4 511

By KittenTime - 26/05/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 028

You deserved it 7 504

Unmatched

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 235

By blah - 19/01/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 514

You deserved it 3 491

Fundies and the truth

By Kyle - 19/04/2021 20:00 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was told by both my parents that I was going to hell and had a “terrorist mentality” because I said our archdiocese deserves to go bankrupt from all their abuse cases. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 22/01/2019 22:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 099

You deserved it 232

By wish his dad had worn one - 07/06/2014 21:16 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 562

You deserved it 5 310

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I was walking through my kitchen when I discovered a weak spot in the floor. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to fix the giant hole caused when I put my foot through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 398

You deserved it 4 793

By Anonymous - 25/01/2013 05:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 825

You deserved it 6 321

It means he cares

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Roselle

Today, I found out that my boyfriend jerked off more times than he called me when I was out of town for 4 days. Me: 0; porn: 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 575

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Top comments

doomsdayaddams 6

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Saturday 8 December 2018 18:06

I gotta say, that’s one of the most creative saves I’ve ever heard.

1ninjanina 7

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Saturday 8 December 2018 15:23

I am a female with short hair, and I don’t dress very feminine most of the time. I’ve been mistaken for a male many times. I am not offended, because it’s my choice to have short hair and dress the way I do. It’s more uncomfortable for the people making the mistake. (Though long hair on guys is becoming more common, now, so I’m not sure growing my hair out would help. Lol) My point is, for me, it’s not an FML.